I am not there. We have food, we have a home, we have heat. I also have the tiredness. Much like "the emptiness" in the Never-Ending Story, the "Tiredness" keeps me chained with aching back, dark circles under my eyes, and sighs upon sighs as visions of Christmas's past taunt me with elusive memories.
Living in the now requires I regroup. It might be reflective of the kind of work I do. I'm not sure. I only know that I keep praying, I keep reading my Bible and I keep trying to keep my chin up and keep on doing what I have to do.
This year is perhaps the last year of 42 years of being a mother with a child in the home. My child is 18 and already reading want ads for jobs and apartments. The empty nest syndrome is upon me with all its vicissitudes and force. Me, caught in the spiral of could of beens, would have beens, and never again will be agains.
I will have a number of days off these next few holiday weeks. Days to rest, rethink and hopefully refuel. I have a few more miles before I sleep.....................
To all those who struggle with finding Christmas cheer in the middle of being oh so tired, Merry Christmas. To those who will never read these words, who might be suffering from lack of food, lack of heat, lack of safety. I wish I could have reached out more, I never knew how short life would be and believed there would always be time to help the helpless. I'm sorry, not of much value if you have children crying for lack of food, or you are cowering, hiding.
Perhaps next year, I will look back on times when I was able to reach out and touch a life, (or lives) of someone who so desperately needed me to be one of those who helped lighten the load of poverty and despair.
I'm not exactly at the point of Bah Humbug, but I'm kind of at the point of emotional and physical detachment where for me holidays were the time where my own children were little......
