Uncertain……..
Yesterday I went to the mountains; roads climbing through
the gray clouds, heavy with rains. It was wet and cold and gray. I went with
family and we prayed for better weather and gradually the drops lessened, the
roads cleared but the low lying gray clouds remained, along with a surprisingly
cold, cutting through the fabric of my coat and leaving me shivering in the
cold.
The day, filled with memories of watching grandchildren
joy in new adventures was a happy one for me. I did not join in the activities
but remained an observer just enjoying the chance to join in their happiness.
As the day continued I found a bench near an outside fire
and remained there for several hours. From that vantage point I could see the
expanse of mountain slopes in front of me and watch as my family rode up the
mountain on the chair lifts and then catching glimpses of their exciting rides
down the alpine slides. Such excitement for two small boys exploring an
exciting new series of adventures.
Also fascinating to me was to watch the fit, strong
mountain bikers hitch their bikes to the chair lifts, go higher, higher and
higher and then ride furiously down the ski slopes, flying into the air as they
fearlessly tackled jumps. There was a time in my life I would have followed
suit, certainly not as strong as they, but still filled with the wonder of
trails high on the alpine slopes. Briefly I am filled with the desire to ride the ski-lift up to the top
of the mountain and breathe in the mountain vistas and cool, sweet high
mountain air.
My family however, is wearing down, after five hours of
active fun and I realize them waiting the hour or so for me to ride the
ski-lift up the mountain would be an added burden for them. My daughter is
willing but I am not, it has been wonderful to see their day of adventures.
I have a smaller request though, one I think the two
small boys will enjoy. “Can we visit the Mountain? “ I ask tentatively. I had
heard that Mt. Hood was just a few miles up the road. “We can touch the snow, “
I counter, hoping to generate some enthusiasm in the tired, tired family
members.
“Snow!” the boys cry.
The parents tired, smile and load
their small children up in their car seats, “Ok, let’s go.” They answer and
start up the road towards Mt. Hood. The road winds higher and higher. No traces
of snow, just thin forests springing from grey barren soils. We continue up and
up and up and I watch for the first glimpse of the peak out the right side
window of the jeep.
“Mom,” my daughter gently tells me, “Look there’s the
mountain.” And out the front window of the car the beautiful peak appears
dressed with golden sunshine, and glistening fields of white snow. I sigh, it
is so beautiful and I had so wanted to see it, to have a chance to stand on the
slopes and touch the last remnants of snow greeting the late spring afternoon.
We park and slowly hike up one of the trails to the
nearest snow field. I am understandably the last up the hill. I watch as two
grandchildren delight in the joy of the treat of the large patch of snow and
slip, slide and snow ball themselves, their parents and me. I drink in the views
and hike to a ridge where I can look down upon the Mt. Hood Lodge nestled below
on a slope behind where we are.
My eyes
watch for the patches of the alpine flowers turning their yellow, blue and
violet faces to the high mountain sunshine. In the distance, other snow-capped mountain peaks touch
the sky. I stay for a few moments more drinking in the mountain air, the
expansive vistas, and the quiet.
On the way home, my daughter and I sing innumerable
lyrics of songs. I am amazed at how many songs she knows, “How is it,” I ask
myself, “That I never realized how musical she was when she was growing up?” I
guess it was part of being always so busy, trying to raise a family by myself
and take care of the unending challenges of earning a living, maintaining a home
and taking care of the children.
And now, my home is empty and the future stretches ahead
with a vast unknowingness about it. “What now God?” I ask. “What does the
future hold for me?”
Of this one thing I am sure, I am uncertain. I am
uncertain with a certainty that surprises me; I am sure that I don’t know, what
I don’t know.
So what do I do? Well, experience has taught me, making
choices just to “do something” doesn’t
always make things better. So, until I get more insight, more guidance, I will
continue to do I what I can to maintain
the status quo of my life. To work, to clean, to pay the bills I am
able. To hike the trails when I am able; to sit on the ocean shore when I can.
Sometimes
you cannot fathom
The
twists and turns of life
Somethings
you hadn’t planned on
Happen-
bringing strife.
You
pray and ask for guidance
And
wait until you hear
A
word, a sense of knowing
“This
way, God’s made it clear.”
Looking
for God’s purpose
And
trying to find His plan
Doesn’t
come with blueprints
Or footsteps
in the sand.
It’s
part a mix of praying
and part
a mix of faith.
It’s
two parts still believing
And one
part, divine grace.
His
word has promised waiting
Will
someday end in peace
So
wait, when you’re uncertain
And tell
your worry, “cease.”
May God grant you His compassionate care and peace while
you wait for solutions to the mountains in your own life.
Somehow, sometime, He
will make a way - where there is no way.
‘Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the
morning. “
Goodbye and be blessed.