Waiting

May 17, 2015

“Waiting”

     It is Sunday morning here in my corner of the world, high in the Oregon hills nestled along the banks of the Columbia River. I cannot see the River from my home, but I know it’s there; the sound of the fog horns through the fog of the large ships making their way to and from the ocean let me know the River is there silently making it’s way to the sea. My bedroom window is open, the birds calling hello to the morning in the forest that reaches to touch my home with large boughs of the cedar and fir trees edging the cliff close to my home.

     In some ways, my waiting times have ended. After six long weeks of not being able to drive, medical test results flood my mailbox and phone. “You are cleared to drive, heart monitor shows no significant abnormalities.” “Lab results show no abnormalities.” “X-rays reveal no abnormalities.” “Bloodwork shows no abnormalities.” “Biopsies show no abnormalities.” The list goes on. I have been tested for many things and I am “o.k.”

     I drove to work Friday and it felt strange to not take the little rural bus and greet the regular riders and drivers. I had gotten to know them, their names, their family’s names, their joys, sorrows and challenges. I will miss them. They were what I call, ‘regular people’ without the artifice, guile and sophistication that masks many of the other people with whom I am acquainted. The ‘bus people’ were real and shared openly from their hearts not worrying about political correctness, but just real, open. I found them refreshing and also amazingly kind and considerate of me and my struggles of being tied to a heart monitor and waiting to see what in the world was wrong with me. So, after thousands of dollars worth of dozens of exams and tests, I am “ok”.

     Yesterday, Saturday I realized I could drive anywhere I wanted. I had money, vehicles, time. I did some chores, got in my rig and headed for the coast. Zooming along Hwy 30 it felt weird, the rich, lush hills and valleys, the glimpses of the Columbia River slowly edging towards the Ocean. Winding through the hills towards Astoria I flipped a mental coin, “Should I go North to Washington or head to the Northern Oregon Coast?” North it was and I drove across the mouth of the Columbia on the long expanse of bridge. The seagulls, catching the air streams of the cars zoomed low above my car, paralleling the miles of bridge across the water. As a child, ferry boats took us across this River. I can remember the excitement  brought by the building of the new bridge and how huge it appeared to my young eyes. Now, aging, it still seems a miracle of sorts as I see the eddying waters surge underneath it’s broad expanse.     

     Finally, on the Washington side I drive along the banks of the Columbia towards the ocean. Choices present themselves every few miles or so; “Should I stop and explore this historic site or this one?” “No!”  I tell myself,  ”Not today.”  I’ve been to all these sites many times in the past, they are wonderful, historic, interesting.  They offer outstanding panoramic views of ocean and River. But, I don’t feel like seeing them today. I am just driving today experiencing my freedom and coming to terms with the fact that although certainly like everyone else, I will die, it apparently is not going to be as quickly as I had thought for these last six weeks.

          I continued to drive and went to Iwaco, quaint old fishing town. Nothing beckoned me here to stop. I continued driving. I went to Long Beach and drove through the old cement archway that has proclaimed as long as I can remember, Long Beach, Washington. “The World’s Longest Beach.” I drove down and parked where I could see the surf and observe a kite club and they’re colorful kites waving proudly in the sky. I watched for a long while but did not get out to hike the beach which I normally would do, “not today” I told myself, “not today.” I tired ot watching the kites, people and waves and drove and parked near the downtown shopping. I got out and walked, watching people, looking into store and restaurant windows. I realized I could buy anything I wanted but nothing appealed to me. I walked on. I entered and went through Marsh’s free museum, picked up a trinket of two, left the store without buying anything. I didn’t need or want anything. I walked the length of shopping one way, crossed the street and walked back on the other side. A shop or two looked interesting and I browsed. I wanted nothing. Near where I parked, I went into a candy store and looked around, cases upon cases of rich, fun treats. I left with a small bag of carmel corn, enough days left to sample other treats if I wanted them.

     I decided to drive back to Oregon and visited a second hand store where I purchased a $5 turqoise vase and a T-square to replace the one someone borrowed and did not return. I  stopped at Home Depot and looked at all their plants, nothing I wanted. I went through Ross, nothing I wanted except a new dog leash to replace the four a grandson had taken for his new dog. Driving home, I looked forward to just watching TV and enjoying the quite. Six weeks of down time has turned me into a more sedentary person. Maybe tomorrow I will work on chaning that, but not today.

      During the six weeks of medical testing, I realized I was ready to die. I had reconciled myself to the fact that my body was worn out and I was facing the beginnings of disease and decay. I had started sorting out things mentally and physically to ease the burden on my family upon my decease. It’s anticlimactic in a way to say, “I’m going to live.” And in a sense, more challenging because now, given these weeks to look at my life, my work, my family, my goals, I have to answer the question, “now what?”

     Friday,   driving to work after getting the call that my heart was ok and I could drive, I came home from work and watched a Joyce Meyers special on the homeless children of Madagascar. It was a heartbreaking special with photos and stories of incomprehensible travesties of degradation and horror. The special documented the Joyce Meyers ministries partnering with others to build a ‘safe house’ were hundreds of the homeless children can come at night to escape the constant threat of rape, death or torture from the many who prey on them relentlessly. I forced myself to watch these images and asked myself the inevitable question, “What in the world am I doing to ease the pain of the millions of suffering children in the world?”The answer, painfully, is, “Not much.”   Oh I try with all my might to help the teenagers and adults I encounter in the drug and alcohol center where I work, but in many cases I can’t see that I’ve really “helped” them. I try to help my extended family whenever I can, but in most cases I can’t see that I’ve really “helped” them either. And so, now that I’m ‘going to live’ as it were for a while I’m asking myself the tough question of what in the world am I here for?

     I continue to read my Bible and pray. I am very aware that in the past, I’ve answered the question of “What am I here for?” with plans that have not worked out all that well. I’ve started huge gardens for the homeless. I’ve started a free inspirational newspaper to encourage struggling adult singles. I’ve worked in a Singles ministry trying to connect people with resources and ministries to rediscover their lives. I got training to become a drug and alcohol counselor and worked with hundreds of people struggling with addiction. I’ve raised seven children and tried to support them in school, in church in education to pursue happy and fulfilling lives. I am not sure how many of the people I tried to “help” perceive what I did as helpful to them in the long run.

     But, now at this point of my life, although so much of me wants to change some significant factors in my life, (job, home, location) I am waiting upon God. It’s surprisingly not easy for me. I am a person who has found more comfort in making to-do lists, of creating plans and objectives.  Recently a verse from Psalms has come into my mind again and again, “A person’s mind plans their way, but the Lord directs their steps.”

     I am however praying for an open door. It’s as if, facing death, being grounded as it were for six weeks has freed me from thinking I need to be tied to any conventional format. It has also cleared my mind to objectively see that not everyone in my life is all that “nice” to me. Some people are not. I also have had to accept that no amount of talking to these people is going to help these situations. For whatever reasons, they have their own agendas.  And so, I continue to pray. I’m not wild about suffering, but I continue to claim the promises of God that it is for a purpose, for my good and eventually it will end.

     This morning, my Bible opened to Isaiah to two familiar passages I love. I am going to put them here in their entirety for you to read.

Isaiah 40: 28-31

“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall. But those who wait on the Lord, shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”

Isaiah 41: 10-13

“Fear not, for I am with you; Bfe not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Behold all those who were incensed against you shall be ashamed and disgraced. They shall be as nothing. And those who strive with you shall perish. You shall seek them and not find them. . Those who contended with you, those who war against you shall be as nothing as a nonexistent thing. For I, the Lord your God will hold your right hand. Saying to you, Fear not, I will help you.”

     Ok I don’t want you reading this to think I’m hoping the people who are hurting me will die. That’s not the case. I pray for them by name that God will help them. I don’t know what is going on their lives, I know they are struggling and the fact they are creating situations that are uncomfortable and painful for me I am accepting. I need to learn something, my character needs refining. Do I like this? No, I don’t but I am not going to run away, I am not going to fight. I am going to pray and wait.

     The day will come when things will change. These six, long, yes, very long weeks have helped me understand that the changes that come may look far different than I would have planned. The changes are unknown, but the God who holds my future if faithful and not one moment of unpleasant circumstance will be wasted in creating a willingness in my part to become available for the this next stage of my life and work.

This morning in one of the daily devotionals I read, Streams in the Desert, this poem was presented.

Waiting! Yes patiently waiting!

Till next steps made plain shall be;

To hear with inner hearing,

The Voice that will call for me.

Waiting! Yes hopefully waiting!

With hope that need not grow dim;

The Maker is pledged to guide me,

And my eyes are unto Him.

Waiting! Expectantly waiting!

Perhaps it may be today

The Maker will quickly open

The gate to my future way.

Waiting! Yes waiting! Still waiting!

I know, though I waited long,

That, while He withholds His purpose,

His waiting cannot be wrong.

Waiting, Yes, waiting! Still waiting!

The Master will not be late:

He knoweth that I am waiting

For Him to unlatch the gate.

J. Danson Smith

 

          To those of you reading this who are going through trials in your own lives, take hope, God is faithful, He will help you. Remember, prayer changes things, weeping may endure for a night, but joy will come in the morning!!! He has promised!!!

Take care and be blessed. Robin