Dreams are such funny things. Mixing up bits and pieces of our lives with outlandish scenarios with such an immediacy of experience they seem real. I’ve had dreams that have woken me up sobbing with grief. I’ve had dreams where the sheer terror of what was happening woke me up. I’ve had dreams of flying, dreams of falling, dreams of meeting the man of my dreams. Sometimes, the dreams seem to echo a warning about someone, or something and it’s difficult to shake the feelings of impending danger.

Like most other things in life, some people take things to an extreme and spend a lot of time trying to understand the dreams and the important of their meanings. I’m somewhere in the middle for sure. I know in the Bible there were a number of times dreams had significance. Joseph dreams first annoyed his brothers than became true in time. Additionally Joseph interpreted dreams for his co-prisoners, the Pharaoh and helped to gain a position of power to avert the starving of thousands of people in time of famine including his own tribe of Israel.

In the New Testament, that Joseph had several dreams in which he was warned about impending harm to the baby Jesus and after those dreams he moved his family to safety.

But me? Here I am in small town Oregon dreaming of impending plumbing floods and having my home slip down the hill. Is that a warning? Well it could be since I live on a cliff, the plumbing is already breaking and landslides happen all the time. But in a more real sense it’s reality mixed in with worry all coming muddled up in a Technicolor dreamscape. At the present, I can do nothing about the plumbing. There are literally thousands of dollars of repairs needed and as of yet, that big pot of money at the end of the rainbow hasn’t appeared at my door.

So, what am I doing? I’m praying about it. I need wisdom and I need direction. The roof is leaking, the plumbing is breaking down and heaters are stopping room by room. I know as I lean on God He will answer and hopefully I won’t wake up slip-sliding away crashing down the cliff as the house decides to let loose of its foundations and enjoy an exhilarating mudslide towards the creek.

A lot of my life I’m praying about it. Living alone has it’s challenges. I have relatives but for the most part they have busy lives, busy schedules and the last thing they want to do is try to help me shut the garage door that right now is catty-wompas, open at a crazy angle now that the automatic door function is broken as a cable snapped a few weeks ago.

Does it anger me that here I am left alone in an aging and breaking house? No, because I can remember being their ages, busy with life, career, and family. It’s not that I’m forgotten, it’s only that there’s just so much time and my to-do list just keeps getting bigger the older both I and the house get and they have their own lives.

I’m fortunate. The upstairs bathroom stills works, the heater in the family room and my bedroom work and I work around the plumbing issues the kitchen has. I am grateful I have some hot water, light and heat. I think of all the homeless people around the world and I realize I am one of the lucky ones. I have food, I’m not sick. I have clothes, and blankets, and sooooooooooo many luxuries it would take me a long time to count.

So, as the New Year begins what do I do? Well I continue on with those things I know I need to do, Bible study being one of them. If I quit reading my Bible, things and circumstances start to become overwhelming and fear and worry grow. For me, that’s not a good place to be and so I continue to anchor my soul as much as possible in God. Today, I’m reading the 2^nd chapter of Philippians. Having read it through a second time, it strikes me that Paul is calling the Philippians to a higher form of love and relationship then the normal, day to day “love”.

For me, learning to love God’s way is a process involving death to self, (or selfishness), immersing myself in God-thoughts and prayer. There’s a well known phrase, “Let go and let God”. Well, there’s certainly application for that phrase in life, but in practice, the whole learning to love God’s way involves some personal work.

2:1 “If there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy,  Fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.

2:3 Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than themselves.”

Wow, that’s a mouthful. What I’m learning is that without a supernatural, spiritual inward change because of Christ Jesus, this just isnt’ happening any time soon. This goes contrary to human nature. People disagree on just about everything. All you have to do is sit down for lunch or a class and the opinions start to fly. Everybody I know in their own way believes they have a special insight on how life is. We live in a culture where being ambitious is a virtue; where trying to achieve excellence is a standard for school and business. These values, although good, run in a counter-intuitive course against what I think Paul is talking about here.

Paul is talking about the yielding of our hearts, spirits and lives to the Spirit of Christ who when allowed will infill our lives with a different nature, a different attitude.

2:5 “let this mind be in your which was also in Christ Jesus.”

 Well for me thinking in analogies helps me understand things better. There was a time in my life when I was a much better gardener than I am now. I wanted to get the weeds out of my lawns and flower beds and would spend a lot of time and effort trying to dig the weed roots out. I knew if I didn’t get every piece out I would come back in a day or week or two and there the weed would be, fat and flourishing. I could put beautiful new soil around my plants, use rich, nourishing fertilizers, water carefully, but if I didn’t get the weeds out; Bam! They would chokes out my plants in a heartbeat.

My mind and body are filled with my Self, an entity of it’s own that in many respects tenaciously hangs upon to it’s right to, “Do what I want.” Much like a toddler, who wants it own way, my Self, fights against the Spirit of God and even though I discipline myself to read the Word, go to church and pray, that Self is like the dandelion with it’s roots deep down, entrenched that have to be ferreted out and removed.

And did I mention pain? Well I should have, because I am stubborn and it usually takes a painful process for me to acknowledge there’s another facet of my life, (Self) that needs to be worked on. Usually I will learn about something, gently. Often there are gentle reminders from others, pastors, teachers, friends, even enemies. As I ignore these gentle reminders, God in His love for me allows situations to occur that by their very nature force me into confronting the ‘weediness’ (if you will) in my soul. All this involves pain and soul-searching and growth.

So “I press on, forgetting those things which are behind and pressing for the high mark and calling of Jesus Christ.”  Maybe, just maybe as I continue, and have  a teachable spirit, as my mom used to call it, I’ll become a kinder, gentler me. (thank you Richard Nixon). At least that’s my hope.

There’s a lot more in this second chapter of Philippians but I appear to be somewhat verbose. But I have to believe that God uses each of us in His own way and for me, right now, I’m a ‘word-nerd’. The time will come and silence will be all I know until the trump sounds and the dead in Christ rise first to be with Christ in the air,  but for now, in the hopes that what I am saying will help, encourage someone else on their own journey I will continue to use my voice.

Well, time to be up and about getting ready for church. Take care and remember, God loves you and has a plan for your life, and Self. Instead of Elf on the shelf, perhaps this will be the year where I learn to put Self on the shelf.

That’s one for my dumb joke book. (Tomorrow I’ll try to remember to share more about that.)

Goodbye, and take care.

Note: at church this morning the pastor said, “Today we want to look at Philippians Chapter 2. Cool, not a coincident but a God- Incident! He shared a lot of the same insights I had gained and also more; including an emphasis on being willing to change what’s not working to what God wants to work into our lives.

Learning to love more intelligently

I pray that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and all discernment. That you may approve the things that are excellent that you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ. Philippians 1:9

It’s dark here, the sun still low on the horizon and the cold continues to blanket the earth with it’s unwelcome chill.  I am enjoying my gifting of delicious coffee, fragrant, warm and comforting. I’ve decided this year for me is going to be one of change and I am embracing options for my life that will break the patterns of the past. Oh that’s not to say I don’t have some good habits, but only that at this stage of life I am willing to let go of routines and try something new.

I normally watch some TV in my down time. The shows I usually watch are about travel, the outdoors, art, history or home improvement. Watching these shows relaxes me and allows my mind to rest from institutional drama I am exposed to in my work. I also, on occasion watch some religious programming.

 I enjoy, In Touch, with Charles Stanley, Enjoying Every Day Life with Joyce Meyers and now and then Creflo Dollar. These speakers use the Bible as their template for discussion and offer practical, everyday advice about how to live the Christian life.

Yesterday, a day of rest for me, I caught a Joyce Meyers broadcast. In this program she was discussing 30 in 30. She explained that she was challenging viewers to study 30 minutes in their Bibles daily for 30 days. “Whoa,” I thought, “I’ve got that. I study that much and more everyday as it is.” As Joyce went on to explain ‘study’ I realized my ‘study’ fell more into the category of reading. I read so much Bible daily. Joyce outlined one method of study she uses. She prays, reads and then writes down the principles or truths that her reading brings to her mind. She thinks about these things during her days, and subsequently uses them in her teachings.

Ok, that’s a bit more than I’ve been doing this last  year. I have read from beginning, Genesis, just about to the end of the New Testament. I read and re-read certain passages in Psalms, Proverbs and Isaiah as the need arose. I gained a lot of knowledge but did I study? I guess the answer would be no.

One of the hallmarks or fingerprints of being a quasi-hippie in the 60’s was a live and let live philosophy that promulgated a  type of acceptance of all people, all beliefs systems and all values. Years later I am no longer that hippie chic, but I think for myself and many other Christians, the feel good, warm-fuzzy mentality of love somehow got filtered into the Christian concept of loving others. This kind of mushy, sappy, hug on your neck Christianity translated into practice of being non-discriminatory in who you loved, how you loved and what that love looked like. I’m not talking so much about immorality, but more of a sentimentality that doesn’t engage the brain or spirit in a higher level functioning.

In terms of Christian service, per se, a hug, a warm handshake, a friendly hello on Sunday morning began to translate into less actual hands on ministry. Pastors used to make house calls, (to be fair some still do). There used to be barn-raisings, and social events where community helped each other. The official church in much of small town America has ceased from the position of help your neighbor - to attend church on Sunday and the work the rest of the week and well, the rest of weekends are for ‘family’. Many hurting needy people need more contact/outreach from the body of Christ than the once a week how-de-do greeting.

Today, reading and studying the first chapter of Philippians, one verse caught my eye. Vs 9

 “ I pray that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and all discernment. That you may approve the things that are excellent that you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ. “

          It struck me that yes, Paul is talking about more abounding love, but more specifically he was talking about love abounding more and more in knowledge and all discernment.

In knowledge and all discernment? What is this talking about? I decided to dig a little deeper into these words and see if I could gain a better perspective.  I decided to explore synonyms for these words.

Discernment- judgment, acumen, discrimination, perspicacity, taste, shrewdness, sensitivity, selectivity.

Perspicacity- discernment, perceptiveness, astuteness, shrewdness, clear-sightedness, cleverness, intelligence, sharpness, acuity, insightfulness, wisdom

Shrewdness- discernment, wisdom, discrimination, prudence, intelligence, judiciousness, perceptiveness, acumen, good sense.

Acumen- shrewdness, insight, penetration, judgment, intelligence, wisdom, expertise, perspicacity, perspicuity, sharpness, good judgment.

Knowledge- wisdom, learning, education intelligence, erudition

Wisdom- understanding, knowledge, sense, insight, perception, astuteness, intelligence, acumen, prudence, sagacity, good judgment

Perspicuity-articulacy, articulateness, eloquence, self-expression, fluency, clarity, lucidity

                The sum total of these words seems to mean to my way of thinking a serious, well-thought application of actions towards others that demonstrate a meaningful expression of love. More than a handshake for sure.

                The awkward part of this for me is to analyze how I am expressing ‘love’ towards the people I know and realize that most of what I”ve done comprises giving things/money and stuff, helping with practical things like moving, cleaning, babysitting, and continuing to pray.  There must be a whole lot more things, attitudes and actions that I could be doing if I prayerfully spent time thinking of who I should help and what that help should look like.

                I used to volunteer more; family, school, Head Start and church. I donated time and effort towards various projects. I felt good about what I helped accomplish but I wore out. I think over time the ‘vision’ for the efforts faded.  This makes me wonder, what in the world do you do to keep active in helping others without the accompanying  burnout? Most of the people I know who work in the social service field experience this burn out on a regular basis. When I worked in a large church, many of the church staff experienced burn out also.

                I guess it comes down to the judgment part of the love formula. Keeping balance in your own life so that you don’t get involved in a passionate endeavor, with all the greatest intentions in the world only to discover part-way to the finish line you’re sick of the project. Balance; translated into not allowing the needs of others to so encompass you that you neglect your own health, fitness, economics, emotional well-being, and spiritual well-fare. I believe that this is easier said then done. Much of the Scripture is a call to arms to help and given our American work-ethic, and drive for success, more is better; bigger is better and numbers matter. We approach loving others much like we approach a work project; we set goals, we set deadlines we measure our performances.

                It’s possible to make the whole business of loving another business and the warmth, the humanness the spontaneity evaporates and the people we’re “helping’ start feeling like we don’t really care about them.

                Tomorrow, God willing I want to keep going in Philippians and see if I can gain any additional direction. As it stands, I am now more acquainted with the problem, we need more love, but less sure of how to proceed in the intelligent, meaningful way we discussed today.  I know a lot of people. Many of them are lonely and hurting. Many people need money. Many people need encouragement. Many need a helping hand. Physically, emotionally, financially I am not the person to meet all those needs. I care about the people and their needs but I only have so many resources of time, money and energy. Add to this that in the past, I have been easily manipulated by others to do more than was wise or prudent.  Wisdom appears to be a necessary part of the whole love in action process,

                Where to begin? Well for today, I am working on having a willing heart, and being willing to make a commitment to get more serious about this issue. Who to love, how to love and when to love. And when, sometimes, to walk away and allow consequences to bring people to the point of realizing that they need to step up, put forth more effort and learn to help themselves or to learn how to call on God to help them become more self-sufficient.

                Well, it’s still really cold and I’m going to take a short drive to our little community library so I can post this to my blog. If you have thoughts about this topic, please share. I will write you back. Take care…………………… and may your love abound more and more.

Learning to live a happy life in an imperfect world in an imperfect me

January 2, 2015

This morning a thick, grey cloud is blocking out the sun. The cloud hangs forbiddingly on the horizon threatening snow, or icy rain. For me, at this moment, that cloud symbolizes the hurt feelings and misunderstanding that can take the joy out of what should be happy memory-making times.

I could wish I had the ability to overlook things easily; the fact of the matter is, I've always been an easy target. The same genes that gave me musical and artistic ability also gave me a “sensitive spirit”.  Now what does all that mumbo-jumbo mean? Well, it means that to the same degree that I can care about others, want to help them, want them to succeed, to that same degree it matters to me what they say to me, about me, or don’t say to me. It is a double-edged sword.

As a child my temperament created problems for my parents and I grew up being compared to my sunny-dispositioned sister Candy. “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” my mother would ask as I sulked yet again in my room. It didn't matter to mom, or dad that yes, things had been said that were unkind, or provoking, the whole fact it mattered so much to me, and I couldn't  let it go bugged them. I was labeled ‘moody’, ‘sensitive’, ‘unforgiving’, ‘temperamental’, ‘artistic’ and ‘difficult’. I was also blessed with what was known in those days, (the ‘50’s) as a high IQ. I was in the ‘gifted’ classes. I acquired a new label, I was now also an “egghead”.

That heritage of labeling me for better or worse still is in the back of my mind. As hard as I try, if someone doesn't thank me, it bugs me. If someone complains, or puts something down I've tried to do, it hurts. And, on occasion, if I’m tired, or just plain weary, or hungry,  it makes me mad.

Why am I sharing all of this? Well, as I get to know other people, I am discovering that I’m not all that different. Everyone I know is struggling to one degree or another of how to deal with the fact none of us, Christians included, are perfect, and we all bring our own load of personality issues to every situation and relationship. The fact of the matter is; loving others is painful work. And, I’m not good at it.

So, should I run away to the mountains and hike the rest of my life away? Well, that is more tempting then you can know. Only;   1. It’s really, really cold outside. 2. I don’t have unlimited time off, I have to work.  3. That’s not what I feel God wants me to do.

So, how do I try to fix these awkward, painful, annoying places in my relationships with others? That’s the million dollar question. For me, I’m in the process of trying different things because what I have been doing just hasn't been working out. I was under the delusion that no matter how serious the relationship discord, talking out your feelings would dispel the bad feelings and repair the breach.

 In practice, there’s application for this theory within a structured counseling setting. However, what I’m discovering is that in real life people have opinions, strong opinions about who did or said what to whom, and when that created the problem, and trying to discuss these differing opinions only creates more anger and frustrations. If you add the multi-faceted dynamic of “family” to this mix it gets even more convoluted. People take sides; they get passionate about being right, defending the truth, yada yada, and it gets worse.

Another approach I've used fairly unsuccessfully is to avoid those people whose inability to ‘respect me’ drives me up an emotional wall looking for a window to climb out of. The fact of the matter is if you avoid everyone who bugs you working in a job, being a member of a family, church, club, community is going to be well-nigh unto impossible. It just creates too much strain and stress and down right, awkwardness.

Recently, I've had someone get pretty angry at me and instead of trying to “talk it out “or “avoid them” I didn't say anything to them about their behavior but gave them space and grace. We didn't talk about the blow up, the next time I saw them I was pleasant. They, cheerful and now rested, responded well and the relationship was healed. The rough spot in the road was covered.

But, unfortunately, I’m not always rested myself, and sometimes, certain people seem to know how to ‘get my goat’, (we used to call it) and I respond. It takes every effort of my will, and inward prayers to not call them out on their stuff then and there. To hold back the retorts that surprisingly are so ready to be said. And, some things come out anyway that can’t be called back. So, instead of over-looking their disparaging remarks and chalking it up to their tiredness or their frustrations I find myself feeling hurt that they are so insensitive to how I’m feeling and the relationships deteriorate further. “Ouch”, a big “ouch” all the way around.

Another approach I’m trying is just telling the other person simply, “I’m sorry things went badly.” Not getting into the he said, she said debate but just saying, “I’m sorry.” Not sure how that’s going to work yet, but it’s an attempt on my part to own that things went poorly and not engage in a war of words which I’ve discovered usually only makes things worse.

I realize right now I’m shivering and the grey clouds are descending even lower looking more like snow. Need to take a break to warm up; I’ll be back. Ah, more quilts and I am ready to ward off the cold. Now, let’s get back to the discussion. I am continually looking for direction and insight into what the Bible says about ‘getting along’ with others I find the following;

“Be angry and sin not. Don’t let the sun go down upon your wrath.” Ephesians 4:26

 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; loves does not parade itself; is not puffed up; does not behave rudely; does not seek it's own; is not provoked; thinks no evil; does not rejoice in evil; rejoices in truth; bears all things; believes all things; hopes all things; endures all things.  I Corinthians 13: 4-7

“Be ye kind, one to another, tender-hearted,  forgiving one another.” Ephesians 4:32

 ^" Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye." Colossians 3:13

“Human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” James 1:20.

“Harsh words stir up anger but gentle words turn away wrath.” Proverbs 15:1

Whoa, and that’s only a few of the verses. In practice what I’m discovering more and more is that I have to remain as much as possible in an attitude of constant prayer. I apparently am kicking ‘tooth and nails’ to mellowing in my old age. I have to pray for the people who have hurt me, sometimes for weeks, months and years. Just recently, it was so cool for me to discover that someone I've been praying for, for months, I was truly able to forgive from my heart. It didn't matter that that person had said and done a lot of truly mean things to me. It didn't matter that the person continued to be less than cordial to me, the “feeling”, the “anger” the ‘resentment’ on my part was gone.  What a freeing experience!!!

Now I wish that I say that wonderful experience somehow translated over automatically into other relationships, just like that. No, it just doesn't happen like that. Each relationship and every problem I have, I need to pray about. The whole changing my disposition is a challenging on-going work the only God can truly enact. I like the verse, “He who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it.” Philippians 1:6 I know that as I remain in fellowship with God that He will take my fumbling efforts to love others, with the bumps, bruises and mistakes, and somehow work things out, (in spite of me).

I am so thankful for God’s grace and mercy that allows me to continue to see my own inadequacies and still have the courage to keep trying, to never, never give up in spite of set-backs and failures.

In my blog, I have mentioned before a saying that a radio program host closed his show with, I love it and I will share it here;

Little is much when God is in it.

  I believe that and claim that and am so happy it is true. It gives me hope that I can live a happy life in the middle of an imperfect world............................................................................ and an imperfect me.

Joy in the New Year's Morning

January 1, 2015

The sun shines bright on the chill New Year’s day. Ice-crystals sparkle on the frost-covered houses, roads and lawns. I am at home, wrapped in a new, soft blanket, coffee brewing and candles flickering their golden warmth near-by. I feel happy. The Seattle office where I’ve worked part-time for the last six months had a going away lunch for me yesterday. It was a surprise to me and I was touched by their thoughtfulness. The staff there have embraced me with their kindness, warmth and spirit of positive regard. I will miss them, but it was so nice to have such a nice good-bye closure. My life experience has been that so much of the time, there is no closure only a brokenness that somehow takes longer to heal.

New Year’s for me traditionally has been a time of reflection, acceptance and renewal of goals. This year, New Year’s Eve found me leaving Seattle late afternoon, enjoying the brilliant rays of sun reflecting off the peaks of Mt. Rainier. I grew up seeing the mountain every day of my childhood and seeing it there, majestic, and pure surrounds me with the warmth of nostalgia. Three hours of traffic gave me time to reflect and unwind. I grew hungry on the drive and knew I could stop at any restaurant and buy anything I wanted for dinner. Somehow, grateful for the wealth that is mine, I chose instead to buy a steak at Safeway, splurge on sour cream and enjoy a dinner relaxed at home. For the first time in many years I did not see the New Year in. Instead I retired to my room, opened the window for the refreshing, ice-tinged air and snuggled into layers of quilts sleeping peacefully into the New Year.

This morning, sleeping well past my usual waking hour, I greeted God and the year with a spirit of thankfulness. I wake hearing the creek, now ice-covered still pushed through the ice to make it’s way through the ravine, to the Clatskanie River and ultimately into the Columbia edging towards the sea. ”I’m still alive,” I tell myself and discard the nagging reminders of pains here and there as my aging body protests the call to rise. I can still walk, I can still see, I can see eat, and talk and think. I am slower, yes, but still so many blessings I enjoy that others, of many ages, covet in their lack.  “Well God,” I ask, “What do you want me to do with today? With my life?”

I don’t have an audible response but turn to my Bible, continuing my reading in Ephesians. My prayer continues to be that God will open the eyes of my understanding because so much of what I read seems to bounce off the surface of my soul instead of resonating in the depths of my being which I think it’s supposed to do. In spite of what seems to be my own natural resistance I persist, ‘little by little, line upon line, precept (or truth) upon precept’.

Wanting the comfort of scripture more easily understood by me I turn to Isaiah and read a well-loved passage:

          Isaiah 40:28-31

          “Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, The Lord, The Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary, His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”

These words are ones that have sustained me when I’ve felt so tired and discouraged I just wondered how I could keep going. These words have encouraged my heart to keep going even when the obstacles of prejudice, ill-will and hatred made me want to run away, to seek refuge somewhere where I didn’t have to suffer, but could just peacefully exist without conflict. God has strengthened me and given me courage this last year, time and time again. I am so grateful.

And so today, stretching out before me, untouched by the hands of time invites me to another new beginning. I don’t know how many days I will have of this year, but the invitation is there to value and treasure the days and live each one with purpose; my own purpose and plans enfolded with hopefully God’s design for these later moments of my life.

So, I will write down my New Year’s resolutions; one tradition I will keep.

1.    

1. Commit my family unto God and stop worrying about them, (pray for them yes, worry about them no.) 

2.   Create opportunities to have family time with each member on a monthly basis.  (Be open to looking a new ways to spend time together. Shopping, lunches out, getting nails done, going to movies, plays, events, parks, beaches etc.)

3.     Be willing to change my career if another doorway opens. (with God’s leading).

4.     Keep working on my fitness goals

5.     Seriously work harder on being kind to everyone.

6.     Maintain my devotional time with God each morning.

7.     Write a daily blog.

Not that long of list really, just pared down from year’s past. More to the basics of what’s really, eternally important, and what my time might be used for the most good.

The last two years I have written about finding Joy in the Morning. This morning, this New Year’s Day I have have joy. And I have peace. It is a blessing and a comfort.

May each of you reading this find comfort in this moment, learning to trust that what God has said is true. That if we turn to Him, invite Him into our life that he will be the repairer of the broken places, the restorer of the ‘years the locust, (or sorrow) has eaten’.

Remember, God is the healer of the broken-hearted.