Learning to live a happy life in an imperfect world in an imperfect me

January 2, 2015

This morning a thick, grey cloud is blocking out the sun. The cloud hangs forbiddingly on the horizon threatening snow, or icy rain. For me, at this moment, that cloud symbolizes the hurt feelings and misunderstanding that can take the joy out of what should be happy memory-making times.

I could wish I had the ability to overlook things easily; the fact of the matter is, I've always been an easy target. The same genes that gave me musical and artistic ability also gave me a “sensitive spirit”.  Now what does all that mumbo-jumbo mean? Well, it means that to the same degree that I can care about others, want to help them, want them to succeed, to that same degree it matters to me what they say to me, about me, or don’t say to me. It is a double-edged sword.

As a child my temperament created problems for my parents and I grew up being compared to my sunny-dispositioned sister Candy. “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” my mother would ask as I sulked yet again in my room. It didn't matter to mom, or dad that yes, things had been said that were unkind, or provoking, the whole fact it mattered so much to me, and I couldn't  let it go bugged them. I was labeled ‘moody’, ‘sensitive’, ‘unforgiving’, ‘temperamental’, ‘artistic’ and ‘difficult’. I was also blessed with what was known in those days, (the ‘50’s) as a high IQ. I was in the ‘gifted’ classes. I acquired a new label, I was now also an “egghead”.

That heritage of labeling me for better or worse still is in the back of my mind. As hard as I try, if someone doesn't thank me, it bugs me. If someone complains, or puts something down I've tried to do, it hurts. And, on occasion, if I’m tired, or just plain weary, or hungry,  it makes me mad.

Why am I sharing all of this? Well, as I get to know other people, I am discovering that I’m not all that different. Everyone I know is struggling to one degree or another of how to deal with the fact none of us, Christians included, are perfect, and we all bring our own load of personality issues to every situation and relationship. The fact of the matter is; loving others is painful work. And, I’m not good at it.

So, should I run away to the mountains and hike the rest of my life away? Well, that is more tempting then you can know. Only;   1. It’s really, really cold outside. 2. I don’t have unlimited time off, I have to work.  3. That’s not what I feel God wants me to do.

So, how do I try to fix these awkward, painful, annoying places in my relationships with others? That’s the million dollar question. For me, I’m in the process of trying different things because what I have been doing just hasn't been working out. I was under the delusion that no matter how serious the relationship discord, talking out your feelings would dispel the bad feelings and repair the breach.

 In practice, there’s application for this theory within a structured counseling setting. However, what I’m discovering is that in real life people have opinions, strong opinions about who did or said what to whom, and when that created the problem, and trying to discuss these differing opinions only creates more anger and frustrations. If you add the multi-faceted dynamic of “family” to this mix it gets even more convoluted. People take sides; they get passionate about being right, defending the truth, yada yada, and it gets worse.

Another approach I've used fairly unsuccessfully is to avoid those people whose inability to ‘respect me’ drives me up an emotional wall looking for a window to climb out of. The fact of the matter is if you avoid everyone who bugs you working in a job, being a member of a family, church, club, community is going to be well-nigh unto impossible. It just creates too much strain and stress and down right, awkwardness.

Recently, I've had someone get pretty angry at me and instead of trying to “talk it out “or “avoid them” I didn't say anything to them about their behavior but gave them space and grace. We didn't talk about the blow up, the next time I saw them I was pleasant. They, cheerful and now rested, responded well and the relationship was healed. The rough spot in the road was covered.

But, unfortunately, I’m not always rested myself, and sometimes, certain people seem to know how to ‘get my goat’, (we used to call it) and I respond. It takes every effort of my will, and inward prayers to not call them out on their stuff then and there. To hold back the retorts that surprisingly are so ready to be said. And, some things come out anyway that can’t be called back. So, instead of over-looking their disparaging remarks and chalking it up to their tiredness or their frustrations I find myself feeling hurt that they are so insensitive to how I’m feeling and the relationships deteriorate further. “Ouch”, a big “ouch” all the way around.

Another approach I’m trying is just telling the other person simply, “I’m sorry things went badly.” Not getting into the he said, she said debate but just saying, “I’m sorry.” Not sure how that’s going to work yet, but it’s an attempt on my part to own that things went poorly and not engage in a war of words which I’ve discovered usually only makes things worse.

I realize right now I’m shivering and the grey clouds are descending even lower looking more like snow. Need to take a break to warm up; I’ll be back. Ah, more quilts and I am ready to ward off the cold. Now, let’s get back to the discussion. I am continually looking for direction and insight into what the Bible says about ‘getting along’ with others I find the following;

“Be angry and sin not. Don’t let the sun go down upon your wrath.” Ephesians 4:26

 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; loves does not parade itself; is not puffed up; does not behave rudely; does not seek it's own; is not provoked; thinks no evil; does not rejoice in evil; rejoices in truth; bears all things; believes all things; hopes all things; endures all things.  I Corinthians 13: 4-7

“Be ye kind, one to another, tender-hearted,  forgiving one another.” Ephesians 4:32

 ^" Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye." Colossians 3:13

“Human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” James 1:20.

“Harsh words stir up anger but gentle words turn away wrath.” Proverbs 15:1

Whoa, and that’s only a few of the verses. In practice what I’m discovering more and more is that I have to remain as much as possible in an attitude of constant prayer. I apparently am kicking ‘tooth and nails’ to mellowing in my old age. I have to pray for the people who have hurt me, sometimes for weeks, months and years. Just recently, it was so cool for me to discover that someone I've been praying for, for months, I was truly able to forgive from my heart. It didn't matter that that person had said and done a lot of truly mean things to me. It didn't matter that the person continued to be less than cordial to me, the “feeling”, the “anger” the ‘resentment’ on my part was gone.  What a freeing experience!!!

Now I wish that I say that wonderful experience somehow translated over automatically into other relationships, just like that. No, it just doesn't happen like that. Each relationship and every problem I have, I need to pray about. The whole changing my disposition is a challenging on-going work the only God can truly enact. I like the verse, “He who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it.” Philippians 1:6 I know that as I remain in fellowship with God that He will take my fumbling efforts to love others, with the bumps, bruises and mistakes, and somehow work things out, (in spite of me).

I am so thankful for God’s grace and mercy that allows me to continue to see my own inadequacies and still have the courage to keep trying, to never, never give up in spite of set-backs and failures.

In my blog, I have mentioned before a saying that a radio program host closed his show with, I love it and I will share it here;

Little is much when God is in it.

  I believe that and claim that and am so happy it is true. It gives me hope that I can live a happy life in the middle of an imperfect world............................................................................ and an imperfect me.