January 2, 2015
This
morning a thick, grey cloud is blocking out the sun. The cloud hangs forbiddingly on the horizon threatening snow, or icy rain. For me, at this
moment, that cloud symbolizes the hurt feelings and misunderstanding that can
take the joy out of what should be happy memory-making times.
I
could wish I had the ability to overlook things easily; the fact of the matter
is, I've always been an easy target. The same genes that gave me musical and
artistic ability also gave me a “sensitive spirit”. Now what does all that mumbo-jumbo mean?
Well, it means that to the same degree that I can care about others, want to
help them, want them to succeed, to that same degree it matters to me what they
say to me, about me, or don’t say to me. It is a double-edged sword.
As
a child my temperament created problems for my parents and I grew up being
compared to my sunny-dispositioned sister Candy. “Why can’t you be more like
your sister?” my mother would ask as I sulked yet again in my room. It didn't matter to mom, or dad that yes, things had been said that were unkind, or
provoking, the whole fact it mattered so much to me, and I couldn't let it go
bugged them. I was labeled ‘moody’, ‘sensitive’, ‘unforgiving’,
‘temperamental’, ‘artistic’ and ‘difficult’. I was also blessed with what was
known in those days, (the ‘50’s) as a high IQ. I was in the ‘gifted’ classes. I
acquired a new label, I was now also an “egghead”.
That
heritage of labeling me for better or worse still is in the back of my mind. As
hard as I try, if someone doesn't thank me, it bugs me. If someone complains,
or puts something down I've tried to do, it hurts. And, on occasion, if I’m
tired, or just plain weary, or hungry, it makes me mad.
Why
am I sharing all of this? Well, as I get to know other people, I am discovering
that I’m not all that different. Everyone I know is struggling to one degree or
another of how to deal with the fact none of us, Christians included, are
perfect, and we all bring our own load of personality issues to every situation
and relationship. The fact of the matter is; loving others is painful work. And,
I’m not good at it.
So,
should I run away to the mountains and hike the rest of my life away? Well,
that is more tempting then you can know. Only; 1. It’s
really, really cold outside. 2. I don’t have unlimited time off, I have to
work. 3. That’s not what I feel God
wants me to do.
So,
how do I try to fix these awkward, painful, annoying places in my relationships
with others? That’s the million dollar question. For me, I’m in the process of
trying different things because what I have been doing just hasn't been working
out. I was under the delusion that no matter how serious the relationship
discord, talking out your feelings would dispel the bad feelings and repair the
breach.
In practice, there’s application for this theory within a structured
counseling setting. However, what I’m discovering is that in real life people
have opinions, strong opinions about who did or said what to whom, and when
that created the problem, and trying to discuss these differing opinions only
creates more anger and frustrations. If you add the multi-faceted dynamic of
“family” to this mix it gets even more convoluted. People take sides; they get
passionate about being right, defending the truth, yada yada, and it gets
worse.
Another
approach I've used fairly unsuccessfully is to avoid those people whose inability to ‘respect me’ drives me up an emotional wall looking for a window
to climb out of. The fact of the matter is if you avoid everyone who bugs you
working in a job, being a member of a family, church, club, community is going
to be well-nigh unto impossible. It just creates too much strain and stress and
down right, awkwardness.
Recently, I've had someone get pretty angry at me and instead of trying to “talk it out
“or “avoid them” I didn't say anything to them about their behavior but gave
them space and grace. We didn't talk about the blow up, the next time I saw
them I was pleasant. They, cheerful and now rested, responded well and the
relationship was healed. The rough spot in the road was covered.
But,
unfortunately, I’m not always rested myself, and sometimes, certain people seem
to know how to ‘get my goat’, (we used to call it) and I respond. It takes
every effort of my will, and inward prayers to not call them out on their stuff
then and there. To hold back the retorts that surprisingly are so ready to be
said. And, some things come out anyway that can’t be called back. So, instead
of over-looking their disparaging remarks and chalking it up to their tiredness
or their frustrations I find myself feeling hurt that they are so insensitive
to how I’m feeling and the relationships deteriorate further. “Ouch”, a big
“ouch” all the way around.
Another
approach I’m trying is just telling the other person simply, “I’m sorry things
went badly.” Not getting into the he said, she said debate but just saying, “I’m
sorry.” Not sure how that’s going to work yet, but it’s an attempt on my part
to own that things went poorly and not engage in a war of words which I’ve
discovered usually only makes things worse.
I
realize right now I’m shivering and the grey clouds are descending even lower
looking more like snow. Need to take a break to warm up; I’ll be back. Ah, more
quilts and I am ready to ward off the cold. Now, let’s get back to the
discussion. I am continually looking for direction and insight into what the
Bible says about ‘getting along’ with others I find the following;
“Be angry and sin not.
Don’t let the sun go down upon your wrath.” Ephesians 4:26
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; loves does not parade itself; is not puffed up; does not behave rudely; does not seek it's own; is not provoked; thinks no evil; does not rejoice in evil; rejoices in truth; bears all things; believes all things; hopes all things; endures all things. I Corinthians 13: 4-7
“Be ye kind, one to
another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another.” Ephesians 4:32
" Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another,
if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do
ye." Colossians 3:13
“Human anger does not produce the
righteousness that God desires.” James 1:20.
“Harsh words stir up anger but gentle words turn away wrath.”
Proverbs 15:1
Whoa,
and that’s only a few of the verses. In practice what I’m discovering more and
more is that I have to remain as much as possible in an attitude of constant
prayer. I apparently am kicking ‘tooth and nails’ to mellowing in my old age. I
have to pray for the people who have hurt me, sometimes for weeks, months and
years. Just recently, it was so cool for me to discover that someone I've been
praying for, for months, I was truly able to forgive from my heart. It didn't matter that that person had said and done a lot of truly mean things to me. It didn't matter that the person continued to be less than cordial to me, the
“feeling”, the “anger” the ‘resentment’ on my part was gone. What a freeing experience!!!
Now
I wish that I say that wonderful experience somehow translated over automatically
into other relationships, just like that. No, it just doesn't happen like that.
Each relationship and every problem I have, I need to pray about. The whole
changing my disposition is a challenging on-going work the only God can truly
enact. I like the verse, “He who began a good work in you is faithful to
complete it.” Philippians 1:6 I know that as I remain in fellowship with God
that He will take my fumbling efforts to love others, with the bumps, bruises
and mistakes, and somehow work things out, (in spite of me).
I
am so thankful for God’s grace and mercy that allows me to continue to see my
own inadequacies and still have the courage to keep trying, to never, never
give up in spite of set-backs and failures.
In
my blog, I have mentioned before a saying that a radio program host closed his
show with, I love it and I will share it here;
Little
is much when God is in it.
I
believe that and claim that and am so happy it is true. It gives me hope that I
can live a happy life in the middle of an imperfect world............................................................................ and an imperfect me.
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