January 11, 2015- Missing my mother
It’s still dark outside, the sounds of a few cars
echoing up the valley. My early morning routine finds me drinking coffee,
reading my Bible. This morning, in particular I am missing my mother. Reading
her Bible, this morning Colossians Chapter 3, I see her familiar handwriting on
the bottom of the page, “I love this book. This is one of my favorite books.”
1/25/03.
I would so like to be able to hear her voice again.
To be able to sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee and to listen to her views on
God, the world and sports would be such a delight. She lived until 91 and with
that long life the impression came that she would always be there, because in
my life, she always had been there. However, one of the challenges of this life
is the inevitable death of those we love. We can’t escape death, it is there,
and nothing we can do can make it go away.
And so those of us left behind carry on. Parents who have lost children are faced with
this path of sorrow more than I can ever know. Along with that sorrow must be
anguished questions of, “Why God?” I do not know why, any more than I
understand how some people can find the love of their love and I was unable to
ever find mine. I am resolved to this single state of mine but it doesn’t make
the difficulties go away.
This morning I made a list of the breaking things in
my house, electrical, plumbing, roof, and broken things. I’m trying to wrap my
mind around a solution. I feel in some senses like some homeless person living
in an abandoned house where as things fall apart they edge further into the
structure to escape the destruction. In
my life, I have come up with so many projects, plans and ventures it seems
impossible to think that now when I really, really need to figure things out I
am coming to a dead stop. Like Gideon, challenged by God to lead the Israelite s to a victory, I am unsure of what to do. Gideon utilized a fleece to test God’s
direction in his life. Like myself, he was timid to move forward in any
direction. He was unsure, and scared. In fact, he was so convoluted about
taking action he used the fleece test twice, just to be sure.
Well, apparently I can’t think up a “fleece test”. I
am in the list making phase of taking action. I literally don’t know what to do. So, I continue to do what I am sure of. I keep
working at my job; I read my Bible and I pray. Those things I know I must do. I
emailed the white House in response to their emailing me. “Help!” I asked and
spelled out my housing issues. No answer yet and it’s been a while. I continue
to attend church, and eat healthier. I pay the utility bills and the mortgage.
And so, as I journey through my Bible reading, I
read and re-read trying to become more like Jesus by immersing myself in
scripture. I am still alive on this wet, January morning. I will continue to do
the best I can with God’s help. And, I will pray for specific direction of what
to do about this house I’m living in, (the real wooden one) and the literal,
physical one of my own self.
I know that some of you reading this maybe facing
seemingly insurmountable obstacles in your own life. I am going to share my
beginning list of promises here for you.
Create in me a clean heart oh God and
renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 55:22
Cast your burden on the Lord and He
will sustain you. He will never permit the righteous to be moved. Psalm 56:3-4
Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in
you. In God I will praise His Word. In God I have put my trust; I will not
fear. What can flesh (or circumstances) do to me? Psalm 60:11-12
Give us help from trouble for the help of man is useless. Through god we do valiantly for it is He who shall tread down our enemies. (or circumstances). Psalm 61:2
When
my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 62:8
Trust
in Him at all times you people; our out your heart before him. God is a refuge
for us. Psalm 71:9
Do
not cast me off in time of old age. Do not forsake me when my strength fails.
Psalm 71:10
Now
also, when I am old and gray-headed O God do not forsake me. Psalm 86:7
In
the day of my trouble I will call upon you. For you will answer me. Psalm 94:19
In
the multitude of my anxieties within me your comforts delight my soul. Psalm
103:6
The
Lord executes righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed. Psalm 103:10
The
mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him.
Psalm 107:29
He
calms the storm so that its waves are still. Then they are glad because they
are quiet so He guides them to their desired harbor. Psalm 119:28
My
soul melts from heaviness. Strengthen me according to your word. Psalm 119:165
Great
peace have those who love your law and nothing causes them to stumble. Isaiah
54:4
Do
not fear, for you will not be ashamed, neither will you be disgraced for you
will not be put to shame. Isaiah 55:12
For
you shall go out with joy and be led out with peace; the mountains and the
hills shall break forth into singing before you. Isaiah 51:12
I
even I am He who comforts you. Who are you that you should be afraid of a
person, (or circumstances)? Isaiah 52:12
Well, my day continues and I will do the things I
can. May each of you be blessed as you live your own lives and seek the face of
the one who loves us all. Keep looking up!
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