Day 16 of 40 days of renewal

   It’s dark here, early, before dawn. I awoke at 4 am, wide awake, ready to start my day. Coffee started, devotions read, I made two large pans of brownies, cherry jello, washed dishes and clothes.

       This week has been somewhat different for me. I am venturing out in new areas and it’s a little daunting. Who knew that so many emotions could be evoked?  It is as if a sea of emotions is floating around inside me waiting to be tapped by this experience or that. As I begin to look more seriously at how these emotions impact my eating I’m realizing more and more that many times when I’m eating I’m not all that hungry, but experiencing some emotion I don’t like.  Maybe I’m frustrated, tired, angry, upset, feeling rejected, betrayed, used, rejected, unliked, unloved, annoyed, and the list goes on and so I eat.

         Part of my commitment to renewal is to involve myself more with people. To be willing to get involved, even though it’s can be sticky with their feelings, their emotions, their reactions etc. I’m having more meetings with people; I’m joining more groups to work on “stuff”, I’m starting a group to work on life. I’m spending more time with family, even though that means opening myself up to their issues with me. Learning to not always say what I think, to allow them to be who they are (even though at times it’s very painful) is all  part of my commitment to be who God wants me to be.

       If I didn’t sense God in my life, being there, with compassion and care for me I know I couldn’t do some of these things without “speaking my mind.” In the past, “speaking my mind” hasn’t contributed much to enabling others to work through their own ‘seas of emotions.’'

         I’ve been blessed, God has given me so much time with Him to pray, think, read my Bible. Some of that time, the 4 year 2.5 hour daily commute, was my wilderness experience. Oh I don’t think I’ve metaphorically have arrived at the ‘Promised Land’ so to speak but for me I’m light years away from the me I used to be. The journey was painful, it was long, it was lonely but in that wilderness journey God has been near to strengthen me and comfort me and to temper my emotions.

      I’m not as tossed by the emotions as I once was. Oh now and then, something will come up and startle me, a squall of discovering that it’s important to me that I really do need to belong somewhere. I really do need to be loved and respected and appreciated.   Well at 63 I’m not willing to return to the pitfall of looking for “love in all the wrong places” and so I’m engaging in positive alternative solutions

     I’m not (I repeat, son-in-law of mine) I’m not seeking a romantic relationship, I’m seeking a fellowship with other like-minded believers where Jesus Christ is the central focus of our lives. Where meaning and purpose is defined by who we are as children of God. Not in some kind of a cultish, weird kind of kool-aid drinking frenzy. But in a real, daily, step by step of living life as a Christian who loves the Lord and wants their life to be a testimony of His love, His grace, His gifts.

    So, I am joining and creating groups with this view in mind, to minister and be ministered to. To be part of the Body of Christ where diverse people have unique gifting’s of love, peace, humor, wisdom, kindness, humility, purpose and passion.

         And so the brownies, not for me, to feed my emotional needs, but to share along with Taco Salad after church at a planning meeting for the group I’m trying to start. Oh yes, some little annoying fears come in that I’ll be eating that Taco salad for dinner all week because no one will come. But then, I’ve prayed, if no one comes then that’s ok. The group wasn’t meant to be. I will look elsewhere to find Christian people who want to join together to have fun, fellowship and go places and do things.

      If some people do come, I will pray that God’s love will shine through me and I can be a kind, considerate, compassion “hostess” to help facilitate this grouping of like-minded souls who would like to be together. I’ll let you know how it turns out.

        Also this week I’ll be going to a weekend training up in the woods near Randall, Washington. We’ll be staying in a dorm and having classes about unifying body, mind and spirit. Now I have to admit that it sounds a little Existentialish. But I’m willing to go, to meet a lot of different counselors from all over the State who will be there. I am willing to see what I can learn to help the kids I work with. And maybe, just maybe, I can enjoy the beautiful setting, the mess-hall meals and getting to know the two younger women who are also going from our agency. It will be an Adventure.

       Oh and that reminds me, I named the group I’m trying to start, FUN, (Fellowship, Understanding and finding New adventures.) And oh yes, if it gets off the ground, so to speak, I’ll be driving the fun bus, (aka the church van) taking people here and there, zoo, beach, train rides, shopping, hay rides, pumpkin patch………. We’ll see.   

       I love the train at Disney World, especially when the conductor loudly calls, “Allllll   a Board!!!!!!!”  Maybe I’ll do that if the fun bus gets rolling…..maybe. LOL.

      God is good and prayer changes things.

 One thing with God,  life is not boring.

    Love you all, may your days be blessed with the knowledge that God is there, He hears, He cares and wants to hold your right hand through your valleys of weeping until, someday you will find your own,

                Joy in the Morning.

Update: well 10 singles; 1 kid and 2 couples attended the dinner. We were able to visit, eat and plan. The church van is going to be fitted with a ramp, hopefully, so walker-bound folks can get in and out without risking their necks.

Lots of ideas for things to do and see. Train rides, parks, museums, dinners, game nights, pumpkin patch trips, fall leaves rides up the Gorge, Christmas lights, zoo.  One lady, Judy, had a list almost identical to my own. Input, feedback, and a short to the coast trip planned for the last Saturday of September. Goal is to have a take-along lunch planned. Camp stoves, pans, and hot cocoa fixings. Maybe, weather permitting a campfire at Fort Stevens and some S’mores.  We’ll see. Encouraging to see that there are others like me wanting to go places as a group and just have some fellowship and fun. The visiting couples did ALL the clean up, wow, I figured I’d be there a couple hours. All and all a good time.

I have to spend some time writing the objectives for the group; its mission statement, design a logo, (visions of T-shirts dancing in my head and it’s not even Christmas,) set out some guidelines for medical emergencies, emotional crisis etc.  All stuff I love to do, as I joke at work, “I’m getting my Nerd on.” (You’d have to be there, it’s funnier in person.) 

Two little grandson’s are playing Play Dough, eating, watching TV and generally just being adorable. Time for me to kick back a little and rest. Up since 4 I’m a little tired………………. Happy week to you all.

  

Day 5 of my 40 day renewal.

Well the better part of a week has come and gone. Early evening Labor Day I drove to the Columbia River. A county park, nearly deserted.  except for a silent fisherman, gave access to the banks of the River, moving, flowing, free to the Ocean. The broad expanse of sky seemed to stretch forever as unfettered views revealed vistas of mountains, hills, and river.

I love the shores of that River.  I have spent hours on its banks, enjoying the healing sound of its gentle waves lapping the shores; drinking in the fresh, sea-tinged air as waves of wind wash over me. That day was a special day. An awareness that the River had moved its course and now several miles of walking had been released. Barefoot I trudged along the sandy shores. Here and there; a small shell catching my attention; pumice, rough, round whitened orbs lying scattered along the banks.

Weathered, old pilings stretched out into the depths of the River, reminiscent of times gone by when perhaps fishing boats docked to unload their bounty. Across the River, the rich, greenness of forested hills comforted my soul. I love trees. I am often so thankful that I can still see them. Having lost sight in one eye through a detached retina I value my sight knowing it is a gift that can be lost.

My grandson, on his own silent trek brought me his find. A very old, very thick metal mail slot from a door. The metal, blue-green with age looked as if it had been through a fire, twisted, slightly melted at one edge. It appealed to me, a vestige from times past, a tribute to a time when solid was a measure of something’s worth. I took it to bring home and mount on a weathered board as a memorial to letters sent, mailed received in an unknown home, from unknown hands.

   We continued our hike down the sands of the River’s edge, now across the waters tall white cliffs of sand beckoned me and I longed suddenly for a boat to take me across the River to build a fire on the isolated shores, cooking rich, fragrant campers stew on its coals.

The skies began their shadowed dance of nightfall and I realized we needed to leave before darkness overtook us and found us walking silent through the night. The peace of those moments calmed me and permeated my soul with the awareness of God’s presence. Turning my face to the sky I sent my prayers upward with a sense of communion that I was heard and acknowledged.

We traced our steps back, my barefoot prints and his larger boy/man’s shoe-clad footprints. It had been a good beginning of our week, a time to relax, refresh and ready for the days ahead.  How fortunate I am that I am able to do this. What wealth I have of beauty so near. I am blessed.

The week? Well that has flown by. Three days for me of 11 hour days of work. Being with people, talking to people, page upon page of reports, case notes, treatment plans, ideas. I tried to be a listener this week, less of a problem solver, more of someone people could talk to, share their frustrations with and just be comfortable with. I tried to be authentic without losing my awareness that wisdom dictates you don’t share every thought you have.

Noon times found me walking, exploring the city that surrounds my job. It is a rich freedom of sorts to walk, look and explore. If I want to go into a store I do. If I want to ask questions, I do. It is a rich bounty of things, people and places with which I am unfamiliar. The homeless people, of which there are many, journey with me also. Some with suitcases, black plastic bags, shopping carts. Others, just doing their own thing; sitting, walking, talking. I see them and part of me cries out with an awareness of how little I am doing to help them. Caution born out of experience dictates, I walk on, pretending not to see their faces, rough-worn with lines of desperation, need and despair.

I’ve learned  which streets to stay clear of if I don’t want the visual assault of human desperate need. I don’t feel called to them as my mission, but still guilt tugs at my heart with the call to do something. Fleetingly I entertain the thought of volunteering at the homeless shelter but I let the thought go knowing I can only stretch myself so thin until overwork will break me and I will join the ranks of the needy.

And so I journey. My attempts have been to pack more healthy food so the eleven hour days don’t find me starving, tired and making poor food choices. I feel again like continuing my journey towards fit and made several commitments this week to help myself on that journey.

 1. Pack more food to take with me. Peaches, apples, carrots, cheese, lettuce etc. Enough so I can eat something every two hours or so.

2. I went and found the new location of the Weight Watchers meeting and met the new leader. I miss my last leader so much but not going has derailed my commitment to get fit. Without the accountability and weekly meetings I overeat, under-exercise and slip back into old habits.

3. I made a commitment to join and attend a working women’s support group. They have a weekly devotional, enjoy a cup of coffee or healthy smoothie, and work on their own commitment to fit.

4. Decided to  begin to start an older singles activity group at my church. Get a planning committee together, set some goals for activities and move ahead.

I think it was Dylan Thomas that said, “I will not go gentle into that good night.” For me that is how I feel. With God’s strength, with the prayers of friends and family supporting me, I will continue to be an active participant in life. With God’s grace, it will be a life worth living.

Promise

“You will show me the path of life. In your presence is fullness of joy. In your right hand are pleasures forever more.” Psalms 16:11

Blessing

May your week be blessed with the knowledge that God cares about you. And may you be filled with the comfort of knowing when you turn to Him; He will calm your every storm and be with you through your valleys, (even if they are valleys of weeping). Take care until next time.

In the Valley - 40 days of renewal/ Day 1

          The summer is about over, the trees are shedding their spring, growth greenery, dropping their yellow, orange and reddened leaves along the forest floor.

         

For me, this summer has been one of sadness. The warmth of the sun has been unable to touch the deep wounding of my heart, soul and mind.  I cannot share the cause for my pain, why? Well, in the Gospels, one of the most tender passages of Scripture is of Joseph, not wanting to make Mary a public spectacle, deciding to put her away privately. (this was before an angel came to tell Joseph that Mary had not been immoral but that she was the chosen one.) How kind, he didn’t want to cause her any more pain.

Well, that’s pretty much the reason I don’t want to talk about my heartache, it has the potential to just cause more pain. And so, here I am, my summer gone, longed for, anticipated, and so little enjoyed. Fall upon me I have continued to read my Bible daily, pray and attend church. Heartache doesn’t usually kill someone it just causes them to walk the paths of their live with a dull ache and wooden, desolate footsteps.

Today, I continue to try to shake off this despair and regain a focus for my life. God is still there, He didn’t die, just because part of my hopes did. And so, I begin again, to begin again.

I love that throughout the Scriptures so many significant events happened over a period of 40 days. I don’t understand the full importance of those forty day increments but this I know, somehow in God’s plan 40 has meaning. My own pilgrimage of moving past the pain of my grief and remorse has been a struggling one. It’s been almost two months and I just can’t seem to shake it. So I will begin a formal 40 day renewal effort. For 40 days I will apply myself to finding healing, renewal, hope, and courage to move forward with my life.

Counting my blessings helps me regain positiveness. I’m so fortunate. I can still walk, see, hear, think, talk. I have food, I have a home, I have vehicles that run. I have my Bible, a church home, a job, two cats, two dogs, family. My health, which has been remarkable, has taken a detour, I feel weak, sore, my kidneys hurt and I’m overwhelmingly tired, a lot. Good news is, after several years of not being covered by any medical, I now have a medical plan. I can start the long slow process of trying to see if there is some dark underlying cause that needs to be attended to.

I’m hoping, understandably, that all this pain, aches etc is just my bodies reaction to heartache. A naïve wish perhaps born out of an unwillingness to look at the fact that after a lifetime (63 years) of excellent health maybe something’s finally wearing out, breaking down, or diseased. I’m putting off the round of appointments, hoping in the meanwhile, I’ll feel better, perk up and go on my way.

Right now, I’m sitting on my bed, a gift from my mom.  Part of a 40’s bedroom set, inlaid woods, etched glass.  Such a comfort to me. As a small child I used to go into my mom’s room and play with her collection of glass perfume spray bottles she kept on the glass shelf of the vanity. My parents, deceased, still seem to speak to me through this tie to them through their belongings. I’m looking out my bedroom window to the woods. Early morning sun lights the cedar branches with  tinges of yellow. Birds call to each other welcoming the day. I’m so fortunate to live in this home. Woods, creek at the back, views of hills, and trees to the front. It’s also a very safe neighborhood. I am blessed.

I have a holiday today, a rich blessing I can hardly believe. My food shopping is done, my grandson’s school clothes are purchased and ready for a new year. I have a bounty of rich harvest in my home. Peaches I picked from trees, glistening in the sun on Sauvie’s Island. Apples, fresh from Hood River, crisp sweet.  Thank you God, for all of this.

I’ve been reading through the Bible from the beginning this summer. I’ve just finished Leviticus, and have begun Numbers. I honestly don’t understand all the significance of what I’m reading but here and there a passage sticks out to me. Occasionally another passage will come to mind in another part of the Bible and I will see how these early Scriptures tie into the unfolding of history and God’s plan. When I’m done with my daily reading of the through the Bible journey, I try to supplement my reading with portions of the Bible that are richly laden with promises. My spiritual vitamins if you will. Today, leafing through my underlined Bible reading a promise here, a promise there.

When overwhelmed, my Bible is like an old friend reminding me that God is faithful, He comforts the brokenhearted, He guides, He directs, He restores. Reading these promises, believing these promises helps me to go on and do the things I need to do, work, provide, maintain.

I also read three devotional books each morning. My Utmost for His Highest, (Oswald Chambers), Streams in the Dessert, (Mrs. Charles Cowman) and A Gentle Spirit, (a compilation of Christian’s women’s inspirations daily devotions.) These daily readings encourage me to keep on keeping on. To not despise heartache, but to learn from it, to glean from its somber depths a renewed compassion for others; a deeper understanding of despair with the view of mind I will be able to offer comfort that I learned in my own valley.

And so, here at this point of my life, on this point of the planet, (when viewed by Google earth) my small plot one of a vast number of similar plots covering our globe, I am.  Where do I go from here? Not sure. I knelt next to my bed today, “God,” I asked. “What do you want me to do?” Well, I didn’t get an audible answer, just a calm renewed slight awakening of a sense of purpose. Not a loud, “This is the way, walk ye in it.” Just a small, renewed, slight awakening of a sense of purpose.

     I’ll take that. It’s much better than just feeling like giving up, which has been how I’ve been feeling. Oh not suicidal, giving up. Just a giving up on trying to love people and help people. Just a return to doing my own thing and surviving the best I can without the disappointing, disheartening work of pouring my life into people who not only don’t appreciate it but who hurt me as much as they can as a reward for my sacrifice.

      Some of you reading this can identify. In your life, perhaps you’ve tried as hard as you can to show God’s love to someone, or ones only to have it turn out horribly. It’s surprising to me that I would be so shocked. The very Bible I love tells story after story of how treacherous people can be even in the face of people trying to love them and help them.

     It’s almost a “coming of age” kind of mark of Christian experience. Am I willing to keep on? Yes I am, but only by the grace of God’s mercy, power and spirit being poured into me. Me personally, I’m empty on the loving the unlovable at this point.

    It is comforting to me that Jesus called his disciples away to refresh themselves at the sea and the mountain. Even those who daily walked, talked and ate lunch with Jesus needed to get away. I have today. Unsure of how God wants me to spend this day. Me, I want to lay on the beach, water food at hand and just soak in the warmth of sun, the sound of the waves and the fresh sea air. We’ll see.

     It is day one of 40 I am devoting to renewal. Baring my soul is a good beginning. Trying to let go of all the “must do’s” in my life might be a good next step. Learning to rest in God’s healing presence while He restores my soul might be the only step I can take.

Psalms 57:1 In the shadow of your wings I will make my refuge until these calamities pass by.

If you are in your own valley, get out your Bible and re-read the Psalms, there are so many portions of comfort, hope and encouragement.  Until next time, be blessed and take care.