In the Valley - 40 days of renewal/ Day 1

          The summer is about over, the trees are shedding their spring, growth greenery, dropping their yellow, orange and reddened leaves along the forest floor.

         

For me, this summer has been one of sadness. The warmth of the sun has been unable to touch the deep wounding of my heart, soul and mind.  I cannot share the cause for my pain, why? Well, in the Gospels, one of the most tender passages of Scripture is of Joseph, not wanting to make Mary a public spectacle, deciding to put her away privately. (this was before an angel came to tell Joseph that Mary had not been immoral but that she was the chosen one.) How kind, he didn’t want to cause her any more pain.

Well, that’s pretty much the reason I don’t want to talk about my heartache, it has the potential to just cause more pain. And so, here I am, my summer gone, longed for, anticipated, and so little enjoyed. Fall upon me I have continued to read my Bible daily, pray and attend church. Heartache doesn’t usually kill someone it just causes them to walk the paths of their live with a dull ache and wooden, desolate footsteps.

Today, I continue to try to shake off this despair and regain a focus for my life. God is still there, He didn’t die, just because part of my hopes did. And so, I begin again, to begin again.

I love that throughout the Scriptures so many significant events happened over a period of 40 days. I don’t understand the full importance of those forty day increments but this I know, somehow in God’s plan 40 has meaning. My own pilgrimage of moving past the pain of my grief and remorse has been a struggling one. It’s been almost two months and I just can’t seem to shake it. So I will begin a formal 40 day renewal effort. For 40 days I will apply myself to finding healing, renewal, hope, and courage to move forward with my life.

Counting my blessings helps me regain positiveness. I’m so fortunate. I can still walk, see, hear, think, talk. I have food, I have a home, I have vehicles that run. I have my Bible, a church home, a job, two cats, two dogs, family. My health, which has been remarkable, has taken a detour, I feel weak, sore, my kidneys hurt and I’m overwhelmingly tired, a lot. Good news is, after several years of not being covered by any medical, I now have a medical plan. I can start the long slow process of trying to see if there is some dark underlying cause that needs to be attended to.

I’m hoping, understandably, that all this pain, aches etc is just my bodies reaction to heartache. A naïve wish perhaps born out of an unwillingness to look at the fact that after a lifetime (63 years) of excellent health maybe something’s finally wearing out, breaking down, or diseased. I’m putting off the round of appointments, hoping in the meanwhile, I’ll feel better, perk up and go on my way.

Right now, I’m sitting on my bed, a gift from my mom.  Part of a 40’s bedroom set, inlaid woods, etched glass.  Such a comfort to me. As a small child I used to go into my mom’s room and play with her collection of glass perfume spray bottles she kept on the glass shelf of the vanity. My parents, deceased, still seem to speak to me through this tie to them through their belongings. I’m looking out my bedroom window to the woods. Early morning sun lights the cedar branches with  tinges of yellow. Birds call to each other welcoming the day. I’m so fortunate to live in this home. Woods, creek at the back, views of hills, and trees to the front. It’s also a very safe neighborhood. I am blessed.

I have a holiday today, a rich blessing I can hardly believe. My food shopping is done, my grandson’s school clothes are purchased and ready for a new year. I have a bounty of rich harvest in my home. Peaches I picked from trees, glistening in the sun on Sauvie’s Island. Apples, fresh from Hood River, crisp sweet.  Thank you God, for all of this.

I’ve been reading through the Bible from the beginning this summer. I’ve just finished Leviticus, and have begun Numbers. I honestly don’t understand all the significance of what I’m reading but here and there a passage sticks out to me. Occasionally another passage will come to mind in another part of the Bible and I will see how these early Scriptures tie into the unfolding of history and God’s plan. When I’m done with my daily reading of the through the Bible journey, I try to supplement my reading with portions of the Bible that are richly laden with promises. My spiritual vitamins if you will. Today, leafing through my underlined Bible reading a promise here, a promise there.

When overwhelmed, my Bible is like an old friend reminding me that God is faithful, He comforts the brokenhearted, He guides, He directs, He restores. Reading these promises, believing these promises helps me to go on and do the things I need to do, work, provide, maintain.

I also read three devotional books each morning. My Utmost for His Highest, (Oswald Chambers), Streams in the Dessert, (Mrs. Charles Cowman) and A Gentle Spirit, (a compilation of Christian’s women’s inspirations daily devotions.) These daily readings encourage me to keep on keeping on. To not despise heartache, but to learn from it, to glean from its somber depths a renewed compassion for others; a deeper understanding of despair with the view of mind I will be able to offer comfort that I learned in my own valley.

And so, here at this point of my life, on this point of the planet, (when viewed by Google earth) my small plot one of a vast number of similar plots covering our globe, I am.  Where do I go from here? Not sure. I knelt next to my bed today, “God,” I asked. “What do you want me to do?” Well, I didn’t get an audible answer, just a calm renewed slight awakening of a sense of purpose. Not a loud, “This is the way, walk ye in it.” Just a small, renewed, slight awakening of a sense of purpose.

     I’ll take that. It’s much better than just feeling like giving up, which has been how I’ve been feeling. Oh not suicidal, giving up. Just a giving up on trying to love people and help people. Just a return to doing my own thing and surviving the best I can without the disappointing, disheartening work of pouring my life into people who not only don’t appreciate it but who hurt me as much as they can as a reward for my sacrifice.

      Some of you reading this can identify. In your life, perhaps you’ve tried as hard as you can to show God’s love to someone, or ones only to have it turn out horribly. It’s surprising to me that I would be so shocked. The very Bible I love tells story after story of how treacherous people can be even in the face of people trying to love them and help them.

     It’s almost a “coming of age” kind of mark of Christian experience. Am I willing to keep on? Yes I am, but only by the grace of God’s mercy, power and spirit being poured into me. Me personally, I’m empty on the loving the unlovable at this point.

    It is comforting to me that Jesus called his disciples away to refresh themselves at the sea and the mountain. Even those who daily walked, talked and ate lunch with Jesus needed to get away. I have today. Unsure of how God wants me to spend this day. Me, I want to lay on the beach, water food at hand and just soak in the warmth of sun, the sound of the waves and the fresh sea air. We’ll see.

     It is day one of 40 I am devoting to renewal. Baring my soul is a good beginning. Trying to let go of all the “must do’s” in my life might be a good next step. Learning to rest in God’s healing presence while He restores my soul might be the only step I can take.

Psalms 57:1 In the shadow of your wings I will make my refuge until these calamities pass by.

If you are in your own valley, get out your Bible and re-read the Psalms, there are so many portions of comfort, hope and encouragement.  Until next time, be blessed and take care.