Missing Mom

January 11, 2015- Missing my mother  

It’s still dark outside, the sounds of a few cars echoing up the valley. My early morning routine finds me drinking coffee, reading my Bible. This morning, in particular I am missing my mother. Reading her Bible, this morning Colossians Chapter 3, I see her familiar handwriting on the bottom of the page, “I love this book. This is one of my favorite books.” 1/25/03.

I would so like to be able to hear her voice again. To be able to sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee and to listen to her views on God, the world and sports would be such a delight. She lived until 91 and with that long life the impression came that she would always be there, because in my life, she always had been there. However, one of the challenges of this life is the inevitable death of those we love. We can’t escape death, it is there, and nothing we can do can make it go away.

And so those of us left behind carry on.  Parents who have lost children are faced with this path of sorrow more than I can ever know. Along with that sorrow must be anguished questions of, “Why God?” I do not know why, any more than I understand how some people can find the love of their love and I was unable to ever find mine. I am resolved to this single state of mine but it doesn’t make the difficulties go away.

This morning I made a list of the breaking things in my house, electrical, plumbing, roof, and broken things. I’m trying to wrap my mind around a solution. I feel in some senses like some homeless person living in an abandoned house where as things fall apart they edge further into the structure to escape the  destruction. In my life, I have come up with so many projects, plans and ventures it seems impossible to think that now when I really, really need to figure things out I am coming to a dead stop. Like Gideon, challenged by God to lead the Israelite s to a victory, I am unsure of what to do. Gideon utilized a fleece to test God’s direction in his life. Like myself, he was timid to move forward in any direction. He was unsure, and scared. In fact, he was so convoluted about taking action he used the fleece test twice, just to be sure.

Well, apparently I can’t think up a “fleece test”. I am in the list making phase of taking action. I literally don’t know what to do. So, I continue to do what I am sure of. I keep working at my job; I read my Bible and I pray. Those things I know I must do. I emailed the white House in response to their emailing me. “Help!” I asked and spelled out my housing issues. No answer yet and it’s been a while. I continue to attend church, and eat healthier. I pay the utility bills and the mortgage.

And so, as I journey through my Bible reading, I read and re-read trying to become more like Jesus by immersing myself in scripture. I am still alive on this wet, January morning. I will continue to do the best I can with God’s help. And, I will pray for specific direction of what to do about this house I’m living in, (the real wooden one) and the literal, physical one of my own self.

I know that some of you reading this maybe facing seemingly insurmountable obstacles in your own life. I am going to share my beginning list of promises here for you.

         

God is our refuge and strength; A very present help in trouble. Psalm 51:10

          Create in me a clean heart oh God and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 55:22

          Cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain you. He will never permit the righteous to be moved. Psalm 56:3-4

          Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God I will praise His Word. In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh (or circumstances) do to me? Psalm 60:11-12

         
Give us help from trouble for the help of man is useless. Through god we do valiantly for it is He who shall tread down our enemies. (or circumstances). Psalm 61:2

When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 62:8

Trust in Him at all times you people; our out your heart before him. God is a refuge for us. Psalm 71:9

Do not cast me off in time of old age. Do not forsake me when my strength fails. Psalm 71:10

Now also, when I am old and gray-headed O God do not forsake me. Psalm 86:7

In the day of my trouble I will call upon you. For you will answer me. Psalm 94:19

In the multitude of my anxieties within me your comforts delight my soul. Psalm 103:6

The Lord executes righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed. Psalm 103:10

The mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him. Psalm 107:29

He calms the storm so that its waves are still. Then they are glad because they are quiet so He guides them to their desired harbor. Psalm 119:28

My soul melts from heaviness. Strengthen me according to your word. Psalm 119:165

Great peace have those who love your law and nothing causes them to stumble. Isaiah 54:4

Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed, neither will you be disgraced for you will not be put to shame. Isaiah 55:12

For you shall go out with joy and be led out with peace; the mountains and the hills shall break forth into singing before you. Isaiah 51:12

I even I am He who comforts you. Who are you that you should be afraid of a person, (or circumstances)? Isaiah 52:12

Well, my day continues and I will do the things I can. May each of you be blessed as you live your own lives and seek the face of the one who loves us all. Keep looking up!

Reflections

     It's another gray day here, bit of a drizzling, low clouds thick on the horizon. I'm back at the library, a piece of small town Americana tucked into an Oregon river valley. My weekly errands done, Weight Watchers, bills paid, food shopping I am relaxing catching up on things I'm interested in.   Usually I come to my blog with a mind-set ready to attack a topic with a zest. Today, I'm sort of in a valley of my own. This week, I attended two days of training in Olympia on communications skills. It was interesting and the other people attending were interesting. Along with reviewing materials, we took a self-analysis of our personality/communication styles at work and home. Whoa that was kind of an eye-opener.

   Watching the scenarios play out as people grouped according to personality styles showed me in detail how conflicts can develop. People were open, frank about their feelings about style types. Role-playing revealed strengths and weaknesses of all types. The sum total of what I learned was that all people bring strength to the communication table. Some people bring defensiveness which adds to the load of other individuals. The key to maintaining the most peace is to operate from a point of not getting defensive. It's not a question of who is right, but who is committed to maintaining the most "de-stressed" position for all parties.

    In real life this isn't all that easy to implement as I've learned over the last few years. Throw in people who are unethical; manipulative and simply don't want to get along and things get sticky and unpleasant; and downright uncomfortable. Christ's admonition that 'love suffers long and is kind' - is impossible without His help. We are human, and we get our  feelings hurt. If we feel we are being attacked, or set up, anger enters in. 

    Sigh, it is an understatement to say that a great deal of suffering is created by words; honest and dishonest. If you throw in the factor of power and privilege the waters get even more muddied. 

    While in Olympia, I did sight-seeing on my lunch-hours. I hopped on the Dash bus and went down-town window shopping. Lots of little stores, yuppie kind of hippie stores with creative uses of color and art. Here and there eclectic places to eat or drink coffee. The first journey was mostly exploring, the peace and sanctity somewhat shattered by a homeless person coming out of an alley, disheveled, wet, yelling obscenities as everyone and no one in particular. He apparently wasn't much into the ultra-hip store scene but was more into the hell of his own existence.

   The next noon, I went to the capital building. I took a self-guided tour admiring the marble walls and floors; exquisite ceilings and furnishings. I wandered through the upper floors, looking into rooms; looking up at ceilings. For the most part I was alone. An elderly woman at the front desk, everyone else behind cloistered doors. I decided to eat lunch in the downstairs deli. Hallways upon hallways of marble, cut from the same slabs and amazingly matched patterns stretching seemingly on and on. I found a small deli tucked away and while waiting in line was amazed at the onslaught of young, thin, males in grayish blue suits and name tags. It kind of felt like an invasion of the children of the corn. Short hair, slight build, similar if not matching suits. I learned later these were the unpaid, eager legislative aides. 

    I enjoyed a BLT on sourdough and munched contentedly in a sea of youth and bad suits. Later I explored the gift shop  where I was offered the senior discount even though it wasn't the right day.  (LOL)

     Back to the training I noticed the distinct personality types present.  Most of the people made themselves known, a few more reticent, shared little but watched the class members relate. At the breaks, over-hearing various people on phone calls with frantic relatives; or worriedly checking business emails it occurred to me that for others, this was just a stop in the their own chaotic lives. 

    So what did all this mean to me? Well , it was another snapshot of the work world and it's stresses. People try to survive the best they can and for the most part try to avoid conflict. It's a difficult experience for most people figuring out the office politics. Even those people who reported a supportive atmosphere over-all still had reports of some issues with policies, or administration. No one was exempt. The sum of the matter was, life has its problems. Working has its problems. No matter where you go there are problems. Whew.

   Jesus said, "In the world you will have tribulation, but be happy, I have over-come the world." This weekend I started copying out promises from my Bible into a little notebook. Promises to read when the "problems" come. A friend messaged me that there are over 300 places in the Bible that say, "Fear not." Wow, that's encouraging. 

   With God's help, I'm just going to keep trying to do the best I can and leave the rest to Him. Learning to trust is a day by day walk; moment by moment.  Accepting our humanity is a day by day experience that requires a lot of grace. 

Grace- the free and unmerited favor of God.

So in your own life, look up, and remember prayer changes things. Be blessed.

 


 

No More Elf on The Shelf, Time For Self on the Shelf

Dreams are such funny things. Mixing up bits and pieces of our lives with outlandish scenarios with such an immediacy of experience they seem real. I’ve had dreams that have woken me up sobbing with grief. I’ve had dreams where the sheer terror of what was happening woke me up. I’ve had dreams of flying, dreams of falling, dreams of meeting the man of my dreams. Sometimes, the dreams seem to echo a warning about someone, or something and it’s difficult to shake the feelings of impending danger.

Like most other things in life, some people take things to an extreme and spend a lot of time trying to understand the dreams and the important of their meanings. I’m somewhere in the middle for sure. I know in the Bible there were a number of times dreams had significance. Joseph dreams first annoyed his brothers than became true in time. Additionally Joseph interpreted dreams for his co-prisoners, the Pharaoh and helped to gain a position of power to avert the starving of thousands of people in time of famine including his own tribe of Israel.

In the New Testament, that Joseph had several dreams in which he was warned about impending harm to the baby Jesus and after those dreams he moved his family to safety.

But me? Here I am in small town Oregon dreaming of impending plumbing floods and having my home slip down the hill. Is that a warning? Well it could be since I live on a cliff, the plumbing is already breaking and landslides happen all the time. But in a more real sense it’s reality mixed in with worry all coming muddled up in a Technicolor dreamscape. At the present, I can do nothing about the plumbing. There are literally thousands of dollars of repairs needed and as of yet, that big pot of money at the end of the rainbow hasn’t appeared at my door.

So, what am I doing? I’m praying about it. I need wisdom and I need direction. The roof is leaking, the plumbing is breaking down and heaters are stopping room by room. I know as I lean on God He will answer and hopefully I won’t wake up slip-sliding away crashing down the cliff as the house decides to let loose of its foundations and enjoy an exhilarating mudslide towards the creek.

A lot of my life I’m praying about it. Living alone has it’s challenges. I have relatives but for the most part they have busy lives, busy schedules and the last thing they want to do is try to help me shut the garage door that right now is catty-wompas, open at a crazy angle now that the automatic door function is broken as a cable snapped a few weeks ago.

Does it anger me that here I am left alone in an aging and breaking house? No, because I can remember being their ages, busy with life, career, and family. It’s not that I’m forgotten, it’s only that there’s just so much time and my to-do list just keeps getting bigger the older both I and the house get and they have their own lives.

I’m fortunate. The upstairs bathroom stills works, the heater in the family room and my bedroom work and I work around the plumbing issues the kitchen has. I am grateful I have some hot water, light and heat. I think of all the homeless people around the world and I realize I am one of the lucky ones. I have food, I’m not sick. I have clothes, and blankets, and sooooooooooo many luxuries it would take me a long time to count.

So, as the New Year begins what do I do? Well I continue on with those things I know I need to do, Bible study being one of them. If I quit reading my Bible, things and circumstances start to become overwhelming and fear and worry grow. For me, that’s not a good place to be and so I continue to anchor my soul as much as possible in God. Today, I’m reading the 2^nd chapter of Philippians. Having read it through a second time, it strikes me that Paul is calling the Philippians to a higher form of love and relationship then the normal, day to day “love”.

For me, learning to love God’s way is a process involving death to self, (or selfishness), immersing myself in God-thoughts and prayer. There’s a well known phrase, “Let go and let God”. Well, there’s certainly application for that phrase in life, but in practice, the whole learning to love God’s way involves some personal work.

2:1 “If there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy,  Fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.

2:3 Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than themselves.” Philippians 

Wow, that’s a mouthful. What I’m learning is that without a supernatural, spiritual inward change because of Christ Jesus, this just isnt’ happening any time soon. This goes contrary to human nature. People disagree on just about everything. All you have to do is sit down for lunch or a class and the opinions start to fly. Everybody I know in their own way believes they have a special insight on how life is. We live in a culture where being ambitious is a virtue; where trying to achieve excellence is a standard for school and business. These values, although good, run in a counter-intuitive course against what I think Paul is talking about here.

Paul is talking about the yielding of our hearts, spirits and lives to the Spirit of Christ who when allowed will infill our lives with a different nature, a different attitude.

2:5 “let this mind be in your which was also in Christ Jesus.” Philippians

 Well for me thinking in analogies helps me understand things better. There was a time in my life when I was a much better gardener than I am now. I wanted to get the weeds out of my lawns and flower beds and would spend a lot of time and effort trying to dig the weed roots out. I knew if I didn’t get every piece out I would come back in a day or week or two and there the weed would be, fat and flourishing. I could put beautiful new soil around my plants, use rich, nourishing fertilizers, water carefully, but if I didn’t get the weeds out; Bam! They would chokes out my plants in a heartbeat.

My mind and body are filled with my Self, an entity of it’s own that in many respects tenaciously hangs upon to it’s right to, “Do what I want.” Much like a toddler, who wants it own way, my Self, fights against the Spirit of God and even though I discipline myself to read the Word, go to church and pray, that Self is like the dandelion with it’s roots deep down, entrenched that have to be ferreted out and removed.

And did I mention pain? Well I should have, because I am stubborn and it usually takes a painful process for me to acknowledge there’s another facet of my life, (Self) that needs to be worked on. Usually I will learn about something, gently. Often there are gentle reminders from others, pastors, teachers, friends, even enemies. As I ignore these gentle reminders, God in His love for me allows situations to occur that by their very nature force me into confronting the ‘weediness’ (if you will) in my soul. All this involves pain and soul-searching and growth.

So “I press on, forgetting those things which are behind and pressing for the high mark and calling of Jesus Christ.” Philippians 3:13

       

Maybe, just maybe as I continue, and have  a teachable spirit, as my mom used to call it, I’ll become a kinder, gentler me. (thank you Richard Nixon). At least that’s my hope.There’s a lot more in this second chapter of Philippians but I appear to be somewhat verbose. But I have to believe that God uses each of us in His own way and for me, right now, I’m a ‘word-nerd’. The time will come and silence will be all I know until the trump sounds and the dead in Christ rise first to be with Christ in the air,  but for now, in the hopes that what I am saying will help, encourage someone else on their own journey I will continue to use my voice.

          Well, time to be up and about getting ready for church. Take care and remember, God loves you and has a plan for your life, and Self. Instead of Elf on the shelf, perhaps this will be the year where I learn to put Self on the shelf. That’s one for my dumb joke book. (Tomorrow I’ll try to remember to share more about that.)

Goodbye, and take care.

Note: at church this morning the pastor said, “Today we want to look at Philippians Chapter 2. Cool, not a coincident but a God- Incident! He shared a lot of the same insights I had gained and also more; including an emphasis on being willing to change what’s not working to what God wants to work into our lives.