All the lonely people, where do they all come from?

“All the lonely people, where do they all come from?” Beatles

         

Photos in this blog are from my beach trip last weekend, 6.14.15.
 Thank you family for my new camera!

      As a single person for most of my life, the loneliness has often times gotten the best of me. I love my Bible, I pray, I have Christian friends but sometimes, life presents challenges that seem almost unbearable. I’ve turned to the Scriptures, again and again to find promises, (verses) that speak to my situation. I have claimed in faith those promises (verses) to be true in my own life. And, God is faithful eventually the heartbreaks lessen, the situations change, but, in the mean time, being alone seems to make going through the pain a lot more difficult.

           Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12

“Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him, (or her) who is alone when he (or she) falls, for they have no one to help them up. Again, if two lie down together they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.” 

            I have found the above to be true to some extent.  But, there is a caveat here, which is, two are better than one only if there is love and respect in the relationship. Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world with sinful natures. People aren’t always good relationships partners. People can be overcome by anger, wrath, mental illness, violence, abusive attitudes. When you are with someone like that things get worse, not better.

            The perfect ‘relationship’ has been romanticized throughout the ages. Books, plays, songs, poems, movies all have contributed to the myth that ‘true love’ exists. I do know some people who love each other, and have a good relationship. But, the sad fact of the matter is, there are more people alone, or in dysfunctional relationships then there are people who are in satisfying, rewarding marriages. It is increasingly true that as our culture decreasing commits to Godly values  ‘being with someone’ becomes a poor substitute for being with the right someone.

            For myself, I married poorly. I somehow didn’t seem to have a clue what to look for in a spouse. As a young woman, I had plenty of suitors but who I ended up choosing to marry was the least likely to succeed at being a supportive husband. After an agonizing abandonment by this husband I continued to struggle, looking for that right someone. The wanting to be loved issue was strong in me as well as the not wanting to be alone.  Well, making one horrible mistake doesn’t create a good foundation for making better choices in the future. It’s said, “People can learn from their mistakes.” Yes, this can be true in some senses, but concurrently with that is the fact making horrible choices scars people emotionally, psychologically, and sometimes physically. You can’t go through physical, emotional, verbal and psychological abuse and not have wounded places in your heart. It just isn’t possible.

     Out of those wounded places, I have found that fear grows. It’s impossible not to have symptoms of PTSD that surface in new relationships, affect your judgement and impinge on your ability to be happy. Additionally, for some inexplicable reasons, history seems to repeat itself. The same vulnerabilities that contributed to choosing the first unsuitable mate resurface in the next relationship. I’ve heard some women describe this phenomena like this, “The crazies just seem to be drawn to me. No matter how hard I try to find a nice guy, I keep ending up with the men who yell at me, threaten me, try to control me and wind up hitting me. I want it to stop.”

     I have compassion for these men and women, because from personal experience I know how difficult this cycle of abuse is to break. The longer you are alone, the more you want to be with someone. The more desperate you feel, the lonelier you feel, the more likely you are to respond to any demonstration of caring. You waive the inner cautions, daring to believe, “This time things will be different. He’s not like the other guys, look he’s polite, he buys me things and he says he loves God.”

     And then, something happens, the anger surfaces and the whole abusive cycle begins all over again.

     In my life, I have been beaten, spit on, had a broken rib, lost a baby  as a result of a beating, had multiple bruises, had my hair pulled, been called vicious names, had my life threatened, been threatened with having my children stolen….the list goes one. I have been lied to, lied about and been homeless. I didn’t come from a deprived childhood, I had good parents and lived in a beautiful home. I had every advantage possible; music lessons, swimming lessons, beautiful clothes, family vacations, church camps, my own car at 16, no physical wants ever. I can honestly say, I never had a day in my life when I went hungry, ever.

   

  I was gifted musically and intellectually and was in special classes for the gifted throughout my schooling. Physically I was and am, extremely well, reasonably pretty. There were none of the factors which psychologists could point to for me being unable to be successful in a marriage relationship. The one factor they didn’t count on was my rebellion against God and family values. I embraced much of the 60’s hippy philosophy with vigor. I loved the song, “Are you going to San Francisco…” and without so much as a longing last look left my parents, a beautiful home, and went to live there with an ever-so-much sketchy boyfriend.

   

     One of the first stops we made was to an alley dumpster for him to throw away all my Bobby

Brooks, Pendleton fancy clothes and pare things down to a bare minimum. I should have taken this as a warning and dropped him off at the nearest gas station and drove home to the safety and security of my parents home. I didn’t and over the next couple of years things rapidly got worse. It was as if I’d found the door to hell and couldn’t retrace my steps and get out of it. The hippy philosophy promised freedom, free love and peace. It didn’t deliver any of that but gave instead pain, anguish and heartbreak.

  

     I wish I could say things got better, but they didn’t. They got worse. The relationship, well it finally ended after multiple abandonment's; once while in San Francisco; once while living with my parents in Auburn; again while pregnant with my oldest child and living in Tacoma; and finally while with my infant daughter when living in Vancouver, Washington. What do those multiple abandonment's coupled with physical and emotional abuse do to someone? I can tell you, they break your heart and leave wounds that are slow to heal.

   

      At this moment, I don’t have the time  to talk about the other situations I have found myself in, but from the vantage point of my now 65 years of life I can say this; God is compassionate, He is forgiving, His mercies are new every morning. The pain and suffering I have gone through in these situations has made my heart able to feel the pain of the clients I am with. Working with the teenagers, and some adults, I have compassion for their suffering. I know how confusing life is and how you get into situations that seem impossible to overcome. I know what it is to feel hopeless, depressed and frightened. I know the limits of human resources to touch that pain and give direction.

   

 For the last 10 years I have accepted my aloneness. I have not tried to find a husband to help me face life, I have tried to come closer to God through reading my Bible, praying and attending church. I have found that God is strengthening me day by day to face life’s challenges and the demands of an incredibly difficult job of being a drug and alcohol counselor. I also have found to be true that I need to do a lot of positive self-care. I don’t watch movies, TV, or things on the internet that would harm me spiritually. I visit nature often, drinking in the ocean and mountain air and vistas. I ready my Bible daily, I pray daily, and I guard my heart.

   

 “Guard my heart,” what does that mean you might ask. Well for me it means I try to limit my exposure to additional personal trauma. I work in a chaotic environment, outside of my control, but in my home, I try not to have any ‘awfulness’. The ‘awfulness’ for me could be unpleasant people, situations, or substances. My home is a safe zone. I don’t frivolously flirt with men. (Yes, at age 65, it’s possible.) I don’t go places that are questionable.

   

 I still get lonely. There is a verse in Psalms that says, “The heart knows it’s own bitterness and no stranger shares it’s joys.” That part is hard. I try to pray as much as I can and talk to God about things. I have several friends and family members with whom I can share some things, but by in large most things I keep in my heart.

     But, I am so blessed. Right now I am hearing the sounds of birds singing outside my window in the woods next to my home. The sun is shining in golden waves on the cedar branches draping over my back yard. I have money to go buy fruit, and milk and other food. I am in excellent health. It s sunny with a brilliant blue sky. I have the entire day off and, I can drive later to the mountains, river or ocean and hike my beloved trails. I have peace in spite of multiple situations that could threaten my financial security at any moment. I am blessed.

 “His compassions fail not, they are new every morning.” Lamentations 3:22-23

     There was a Beatles song I sang to as a teenager, “all the lonely people, where do they all come from.” Well I know where this lonely person came from and after all is said and done, everything I learned at college, through reading, and listening to others does not compare to the strength and comfort that is found in trusting in Jesus to help you cope with the heartbreaks of life.

There’s an old Ira P. Stanfill song that I’ve often played on my piano,

 I traveled alone, upon this lonesome way

My burdens so heavy, and dark was my day
I looked for a friend, not knowing that He
Had all the time, been looking for me

Chorus
Now, it is Jesus and me, for each tomorrow
For every heartache, and every sorrow
I know that I can depend, upon my new found friend
And so till the end, it’s Jesus and me

Note: you can listen to this song on U-tube sung by different artists.

“May the God of all comfort, fill you with joy and peace in believing.” Romans 15:13

Take care and be blessed.

Robin