Day 63 - Jesus Please

Day 63- Facing illness

       For over two weeks I have been ill. Headaches, cold symptoms, fever, dizziness, upset stomach, aches, pains the works. I've had such incredibly good health for such a long time, the whole not feeling good has been upsetting. I've gone to work ill days upon days and finally took a day off, sleeping all night and all the next day. The world seems grayer then usual, and my outlook is impaired.

I can't help but wonder how do people with terminal diseases come to grips with life and be pleasant? I don't feel pleasant, I feel horrible and it feels like it will never stop.

On top of which, I don't want to read my Bible. Why the two things, being sick, and not wanting to read my Bible should go together, I don't know. But for right now that's the way it is. I get my mail, I get phone calls about over-due bills and the hopelessness about things getting better seems to get larger.

I keep reminding myself, I have food, I have heat, lights, a home, a job and a lot more. Why is it that debt should have such a toll on my positive outlook? I guess the whole insurmountable aspect of it is part of it. I'm too old and tired to take on a second job, my current job sucks 12.5 hours out of my life every day five days a week. It is very taxing work with people who are very unhappy very addicted and used to a life of crime, drugs and chaos.

Where is God in all of this mess? I try to think of all the millions of people world wide who lack food, adequate shelter and realize I am only experiencing a fraction of the suffering they feel daily. Watching their families die through lack of food, medical care and impoverishment has to be incredibly painful. Who am I after just a couple weeks of illness to complain and wonder where God is?

Obviously, Job I'm not and instead I'm apparently longing for my good health, renewed energy, and affluent lifestyle that I grew to love so well the short period it lasted. So here I am on a Saturday morning, up before dawn, looking at my day. I will attend my Weight Watchers meeting facing the inevitable weight gain. Not feeling well for several weeks my exercise has fallen to little or none. My eating habits have been sporadic, and based more of what's easiest than what's healthy. (Went to my Weight Watchers meeting, lost 1.6 pounds this week. Total 25.8 pounds)

I have committed myself to seeing the getting fit plan through to the end, even though now, still feeling icky I can't help wondering what effect a long term illness might have on my plan. I have to buy a few things, pet food, fruit, vegetables. I will try to putter around and get what I need to done and come back to my quilts, chair and remote and doze on and off trying to best this virus that seems to have gotten the best of me.

At this point, I can only pray, "God help me." I feel horrible. I realize if this is something other than just a virus I will have a long haul ahead of me of adjusting to a new way of life. Each week in church we pray for more victims of cancer, heart disease, etc. I can't help but wonder, "Is it my time now?" I lost my father to cancer a little older than I am now. Why should I be exempt?

Having learned from experience not to make any major decisions when feeling ill or low I will attempt to maintain the statusquo and nothing else, until I either feel better or worse. Then, I will make careful decisions to deal with what happens.

Thanksgiving week is upon on and I will make a serious effort to count my blessings, even if it's from a sick bed. When I watch the news and see what people are going through I realize I should not complain, comparatively I have had things easier than many.

I will look now and try to find a verse that fits my current mindset.

"Why are you cast down oh my soul? And why are you disquieted in me? Hope in God. For I shall yet praise Him. The help of my countenance and my God." Psalms 42:11

I was asked to sing two weeks ago at our church. I've been too tired and sick to compose the music and have had to beg off with apologies. For those of you going through your own valleys of weeping, here are the words of my song:

Waiting through my darkest nights

To finally see the dawn.

Seeking God to give me faith

When all my hope is gone.

Looking through my weeping eyes

I fall down to my knees

With broken heart and wounded pride

I can only whisper, Jesus please....

Give me strength Lord

I cannot bear this

Ease my pain Lord

It hurts too much

I can't go on Lord

Through this valley

I need you near Lord

To feel your touch.

Listening for the Word of peace

To still my raging storm

To enter through the gates of faith

To God's love and sheltering arms.

Looking through my weeping eyes

I fall down to my knees

With broken heart and wounded pride

I can only whisper, Jesus please......

Give me strength Lord

I cannot bear this

Ease my pain Lord

it hurts too much

I can't go on Lord

Through this valley

I need you near Lord

To feel your touch.

Looking through my weeping eyes

I fall down to my knees

With broken heart and wounded pride

I can only whisper, Jesus please....

I can only whisper, Jesus..... please.