Day 106 - After the storm..............

      

     There is what appears to be a queen bee buzzing around my room today. She is looking for something, a place to nest, something to eat, I don’t know. She appeared out of nowhere and her loud buzz, buzzing disturbed my early morning devotions. I suppose eventually I will shoo her out the window with broom in hand. Right now, she’s ok, peacefully sitting on my ceiling looking down at me.

    For me, I kind of feel like that bee. Watching, waiting, only now, wonders of wonders, a door of opportunity has opened up for me. I am waiting, ready to take the steps through that doorway. I am amazed that soon after that prayer at the altar of week or two ago, the iron brass of heaven has opened and prayers for my life are being answered.

    I’ve grown used to waiting and it feels odd to have the wait over.  I have to keep reminding myself that yes, God has answered prayers of myself and many of my beloved church members. After commuting for four years 2.5 hours a day, I have gotten a job 20 minutes from my home. A job that matched my salary, pays for my medical, (I’ve had no coverage for several years), and has all kinds of additional perks and bonuses. More time off, 401 K contributions, more sick leave, more holidays, and four day weeks. That means, I’ll have 3 day weekends every week.

   I gave my notice at my current job, finding it a little hard to do. I’m Union and way up on the seniority list. I know that job, I know the people, it’s a difficult job, but I can do it. But……. I’m tired and the cost of commuting - energy wise, money wise has been horrendous.

    And so, 9 days from now I will go to my first day at the new job. Thank you GOD!!  A new chapter in my life.

        This morning I walked out and visited my roses. They are valiantly putting out their blooms in spite of my neglect. My cherry trees are full leaved and the branches the deer can’t reach are lacy barriers to the predicted hot sunny day. My outside kitten, Skipper, (Skippy for short) eats his breakfast in the morning sun, fresh morning air bathing our world in it’s breezes.

        This morning I’ve been finding things I’ve lost for weeks, my office keys, my social security card, a turquoise necklace from Mexico I love, the last of my checkbooks, the cord to my keyboard. It’s as if a freedom has been poured into my life and the stuck places are being unstuck.  I know that’s not a very philosophical explanation but that’s what it’s like I know God is pouring out a blessing as a result of the prayers of my church. Yes I’ve prayed, daily, but I believe that the persistence of some of my church prayer warriors have helped immensely to open the doors of heaven. Jesus told us to pray without ceasing and in everything let our requests be made known unto God. The Bible is full of stories where people prayed and then waiting and then…… the answer came.

         I truly believe these last four years have refined my character. Oh I don’t think I’ve arrived, but I do believe the combined extenuating circumstances have helped sand out some of the rougher places of my life. I know there will be new challenges, new adventures, but for now the release from the burden of the commute, the financial impact, the daunting work load are just a great source of relief and thanksgiving.

        A holiday week is on the horizon and I chose to use my last remaining vacation day to have a four day weekend. I am torn between going camping up the Columbia Gorge and staying home and devoting myself to cleaning, organizing and getting ready for the next phase. 

I really think the camping will win. I love cooking over an open fire a hot dog or two. Enjoying the wood smoke, waking up to brisk morning air and the wealth of a day ahead with water, hikes, trees, and lakes spread out like rich, green emeralds for the taking.

         I do have three more days at my current job. Busy ones packing 5 days of work into 3; letting my clients know I’m leaving, saying my goodbyes, packing up my small office and closing my files. This chapter in my book of life is closing. I have prayed and tried to pour my life out into the lives of the hundreds of men and women who’ve I’ve had the privilege of being counselor to.  I’ve prayed for them, my church has prayed for them and I’ve worked very hard, (with God’s strength) to provide them with lots of opportunities to change their lives. To dream a new dream, to find hope, to connect with their Higher Power, to believe that with God anything is possible, including staying clean and crime free.

       Now, I’m off to my Weight Watchers meeting, weekly shopping and a list of to-do’s.

       I want to thank those of you who have lifted up prayers for me. I want you to know our God is faithful and He has provided a way of escape for me so that I can bear my load. 

Thank you God,

Today, I have joy in the morning.

Seek God, pray and be blessed. Until we meet again….

Robin 

Day 105 -Transitions

     A week later and so much has happened. It is as if I am on a roller coaster ride of life and changes happen at every turn. It’s ok though, I have a sense of God’s presence which is sustaining me. Sometimes I walk through the shadows and cry out for God to give me more of His light, right now, a blessed calmness surrounds me in spite of things being way outside my control.

    

      A beloved family member, precious beyond words got news that he has a horrible medical condition that will impact his life forever. Being with that person, not knowing how to comfort them, all I can do is pray that God will surround them with His love, care and mercy. The shock of getting news like that takes a while to sink in. The medical appointments that now stretch on forever have changed the color of his life, his hopes his dreams. Do I believe that God can step in and use this for his glory? Yes, but, seeing this child/man suffer breaks my heart because I could only wish it was me instead of him. I’ve lived a long, healthy life and here is a young person on the verge of adulthood now facing enormous odds to overcome.

     I have to watch myself because the self-absorption of so many people I know offends me. I can’t judge them for being so uncaring. They are who they are and perhaps nothing like this has ever happened to them or someone they love. They can’t care because they don’t understand. 

     And so, he and I continue on with our lives. Saturday morning, he asked, “Can we go to the ocean today?” (yesterday). (The ocean has been a place of comfort for us since his infancy. We’ve camped, hiked, beach-combed through the years of his youth. It has been a place where school, relationships, problems have been put on hold.)  He asked, “Can I take my dog?”  Writing that, right now makes me cry, how sad. A child/man trying to be brave, trying somehow to cope with this deep hurt and wound that has reached into his life with its ugly fingers of pain.

    Sigh, we drove to the beach and the warmth of a new summer day bathed us as we hiked down the jetty to the white, hot sands.  We stretched a blanket down and he left with his dog to walk the shore and commune with his own heart concerning this unforeseen turn in his young life. I watched them from a distance, the blue shining sea breaking in cascades of waves he and his companion dog jumped and waded through.

      An hour or two and we decided we were done with the beach and he asked, “Can we hike around the lake?” “Sure”, I replied, “Let’s go.”

Coffenbury Lake greeted us with sounds of children playing, a little fishing boat or two puttering around and a few errant birds. We set off going through the fragrant woods, rich with ferns, and new leaves, and wild flowers blooming through the shadows. The first half of the lake was awesome. Hiking along, silent, the only occupants of the woodland trail.

       Near the South end of the lake mosquitoes found us and our walk became a hand waving kind of weird dance. As we rounded the end of the lake and began to climb the west hills, my young companion called back, “I can’t stand this. I’m going to run back. Here’s the dog.”

 He took off running the trail and his small dog whined and tugged at its lease. I trudged on, swatting at the bugs, trying to keep up with the dog whose every fiber of being wanted to be with his master. I fell once and thought, hmmm…. I hope there’s not any cougars out today. I suppose I would be an easy target.

     Finally after a very brisk hike, uphill the trail leveled off. I knew I would get to the end eventually and tried to enjoy the quiet of the forest knowing that it too would soon be a memory. After a time, I could hear the voices of children through the trees and knew I was coming back to the start of the trail. I reconnected with my companion and we decided to call it a day. A twenty minute walk to the truck found us half running as the mosquitoes somehow followed us in clouds.

     Driving home he fell asleep lulled by the curves and hills, and warm truck. It was an afternoon away from the stresses of reality, enjoying nature, resting, regrouping, hopefully one of many more to come.

     Today, awake, washing dishes, making breakfast, another day begins. Sunday, church, chores, hopefully a renewal of hope and strength for the week ahead. We, my grandson and I, are going through another transition. I have never regretted raising this child. He has been a loving, (if adventuresome) baby, child and young adult. He has been raised in the church, around messages of God’s love and comfort. Hopefully he is able to rely on his own relationship with God to help him through this latest challenge. It is a rite of passage to adulthood that neither he or I could have imagined.  As long as he is willing, I will go through this time with him.  The time may come and probably will that he chooses to be on his own, facing life and challenges without grandma alongside. My prayers will go with him. It will be, another of life's continuing transitions.

To those of you facing your own unforeseen life challenges my prayers are with you. Life can be more than difficult, without God, it is impossible. Seek Him, pray, and He will be with you. You will eventually have joy in the morning, even if you see that joy through a veil of tears.  Rainbows are in the clouds. He promises to comfort those that mourn, claim that comfort. Be blessed.

104- Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I'm 63?

     Well Happy Birthday to me, 63, woo ha! Our summer like weather gave way to deluges of rain and gray skies. Inside my heart, I feel the sunshine.  Is that too much of a Pollyanna type attitude? For those of you younger folk, Pollyanna was a girl that perennially saw the good in things. Disney made a movie about this story and as a young person the never say die spirit of Pollyanna seemed a little unreal. How is it that even as teenagers we become disenchanted with the wonders of life?

   Well, memory lane trips aside, I feel happy. I’ve taken the day off and the luxury of three whole days spans before me. How fortunate I am to have a good job in these times of economic hardship. How thankful I am that I am still in good health, strong and able-bodied.

   Last week, we had an evangelist in our church. He sang, he talked. He invited people who wanted to be prayed for to come forward. Well I’m not much for running to the altar but I decided to go, “It couldn’t hurt.” Were my thoughts. I guess in many ways I’m kind of a doubting Thomas. I believe yes, but often I question.

   Waiting up there to be prayed for several people placed their hands on my shoulders. I appreciated their prayers. Occasionally I feel so tired with the 12 hour days and stress of being a drug and alcohol  treatment counselor, I need continual renewal. And sometimes, I confess the mistakes of my past threaten my peace as financial wreckage surfaces and I try to regroup and get a new plan.

  I started to cry and tears ran down my cheeks. Not sure why but there I was crying when the evangelist came and asked me what I wanted to be prayed for. Through my tears I asked for two things,  “Strength, and more love for my family.”  I had other things, unspoken I wanted to be prayed for but decided those things could be between me and God. And then…. The evangelist began to pray and speak out my unspoken requests. Ok, that was both weird and faith building. He spoke over me a blessing and release of curses that had come over my life.  He spoke a freedom into my life by the power of God.

   I’ve felt more peaceful this week, sort of like, “God’s got this.” (my life, my fiances  my family.) I’m waiting. Yesterday praying for family and friends on the way to work I passed my mini-van sitting at the car lot, still unsold. I prayed for God’s help to unravel this financial mess which is my life. I took responsibility for making unwise choices and asked God to somehow fix it. How I don’t know.

  Later that day I got news that one of the best agencies for treatment was calling me for an interview. I’d submitted that application months ago. Hmmm…. I kind of feel like those movies when the ships gets stuck in an ice pack and everyone starts panicking. Then the Captain comes up with a brilliant plan to blast their way free. A shout goes up and the ice breaks apart, the ship is free!  

  At work, I submitted a plan to write a training manual for our counseling staff to our Director. He forwarded it to the Program Manager and he told me he likes it. He printed it out and gave it to the management team to review. He wants all of us to provide input but to get it done.  This is exciting to me. It means that God is blessing me, that He is providing opportunity to show His power, His creativity, His intelligence through a willing heart mine.

  Those of my church members who have known me over the ten years I’ve been attending there know that God is doing a work in my life. They remember the stuttering, tears, emotions I couldn’t manage. They remember the frustrations, temper and anguish that seemed to master me. God in His infinite wisdom and love is restoring my life and my strength. He is creating beauty from ashes. He is giving me the oil of gladness for the spirit of mourning.  He is giving me joy in the morning.

   Funny, I’m looking out my window and some sort of large unknown bird is sitting on a branch. It’s huge, looking around. I’m going to go closer and see if I can recognize what it is. Just a second…..Well, I’ve never seen a bird like that in my life. It’s kind of an albino large pigeon. It is light gray and a few faint darker speckles on its back. It turned and looked at me and I thought, ‘Well it doesn’t look like a harbinger of death so I guess I’m good to go.”

         Call from family, wishing me Happy Birthday and a trip to Walmart is imminent.  Yeah howdy.  

        I love you all, my unseen, unknown readers. The best to all of you. Keep looking up! God loves you and prayer changes things. 

And to my special daughter who graduated from college this week, Congratulations! I am very proud of the fine person you are! 

Blog 104 - Keeping On, keeping on

Good morning to all. Just completed my Weight Watchers meeting. I was excited. I exercised so much and ate so much fruit I thought yeah I will lose, maybe a lot. Weird how achieving a goal can be linked to your motivation to keep going. And then...... I gained 1.6 pounds!!! The leader explained that often with a lot of exercise your body retains water etc. but oh so much I wanted the scale to go DOWN!

I was reading in the Weight Watchers magazine how physics principles can be linked to the weight loss process. The writer said, it takes more energy to get something moving then to keep it moving. He used this as an analogy to deciding to start on a healthy eating plan. Deciding to start is huge!

      He went on to say that once you get going on a plan to get and stay healthier it is easier to keep going. Well, I'm going to hold that thought because in practice my feeling so success are linked quite a bit to the scale.  Some people get this about grades, or paychecks, or houses, cars, looks. All kinds of things can be measures (false) of self worth and additionally causes for decreases in motivation. 

       For me, I'm determined I WILL NOT QUIT!!!! As I grown older I see that a lot of life is that, Just not quitting. Just showing up for work, for church, for relationships sometimes is a chore. (O.k. I'm being real here). But, and this is crucial, if you show up miracles happen. Things unexpected occur and life gets better.

     It's difficult to communicate this concept to the guys in treatment. They are used to acting on impulse; to seeking immediate gratification. Explaining to them that they need to just keep doing the next right thing; even if it's boring (lectures); or they don't like it (groups) or it's hard (homework).  I try to explain to them with illustrations etc. that change is difficult that it requires tackling it emotionally, intellectually  spiritually, relationally and physically  I challenge them to be willing to be willing. 

     Well, I'm willing to be willing to keep on keeping on with my fitness program.  Eventually I will look in the mirror and realize I have NO EXTRA FAT!!! Yeah.   I'm stronger and fitter and I'm not a quitter!!! Go team Robin!

     O.k., so now I'm getting goofy, well maybe it's to be expected. LOL. Great week for me, happy, challenging, but happy. Life is good and prayer changes things.

   Keep looking up! God hears and answers prayers. Your joy may come in the morning!

Blog 103 - The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men.....................

Well, let’s put it like this, sometimes, good intentions are well-meaning. That’s a no-brainer. However, (and much of life falls here, in the however’s), things happen, all the time, unexpectedly, and repeatedly. Those “things” get in the way of implementing our plans. It looked simpler on paper, do this, then this, and then this over here will follow naturally, “Not!”

And so it is with my plans of last week. I was going to blog everyday. To become a transparent window on my world of persisting on getting fit in my graying years. Yep, that was the plan, but, (ah yes that’s the caveat; but,) this, that and the other thing happened and sun rise, sunset, I wasn’t able to fulfill my objectives. And so….. I will regroup and come up with plan B. Instead of “days” I will have blogs, done when I have time, energy and opportunity to do them. I’ll call them, updates. Yep that’s the plan.

This morning, another wonderful Saturday I’m awake before five. Me and the birds, all of us eagerly awaiting the new day dawning. It’s been a hectic, exciting, frustrating, rewarding week, all mixed in together. Having a new group of young recruits, (aka guys in treatment) I became concerned that the zeitgeist of the group was; “Yeah, yeah, treatment.  Let’s do this thing and have a good time in the process.”  I’m not opposed to having a good time, per se, but I am very, very, very serious as a heart attack about giving treatment all you’ve got. For some of these young people it will mean the difference between being dead in a year or being alive. It will mean being able to see their children or forever being banned from their lives. It will mean the difference between being incarcerated for the good part of the rest of their lives or having an opportunity to recoup, to heal, to move on and find some semblance of normalcy.

         And so, I gave them a pretty serious talking to, from the heart, no holds barred. There were some serious faces. Normally, I am kind, emphatic and allow them to reach their own conclusions. This straight from the hip, tell it like it is, skip the smoke person kind of scared them. I have a more somber, reality-checked group.

Other stuff entered in this week, the unexpected stuff that is family, and problems, and finances, and yada, yada, yada. What I’ve discovered is; there are only so many hours in the day. And, I only have so much energy, and I need a certain amount of rest or I can’t function. Something has to give, and so it was plan A of checking in and blogging daily. It didn’t happen, sorry about that.

Did I have a major relapse and wind up surrounded by candy wrappers, sinking into my Lazy Boy passed out in a sugar coma? Well no. Here and there a few candy wrappers might have surfaced but by in large it was me with my apples, bananas, boneless, skin-less chicken and salad greens. My new thing is when I feel like I have to have sweets, gotta have, must have, better have NOW; I’m making this concoction in my blender.

Yummy Sweet Dessert- Guilt Free

1.   In your blender put ¼ cup cold water. Now sprinkle on two packages of non-flavored gelatin. Then add a Tablespoon of your favorite flavored sugar free gelatin. (one package will last about three of these “desserts”). Note: pick a flavor that will enhance your fruit choice. Not compete with it or overpower it. The flavored jello is added for color and a pop of flavor. (less is more) Let set for a couple minutes.

2.   Now take one cup of milk, (I use 2%). Put in a micro-wave able cup. Heat to hot, just about boiling. (micro-waves differ so check every 15 seconds or so).  Put in blender, PUT ON TOP OF BLENDER. (this is important unless you want to spend your morning cleaning the dessert off of everything). Blend for one minute.

3.   Add 3 packets artificial sweetening, vanilla if you like.

4.   Then choose 1 -2 ripe bananas; add broken in pieces.

5.    Add  frozen sugarless fruit (strawberries, raspberries, mangos, peaches, blueberries, blackberries) of your choice, 1 -1.5 cups, blend for several minutes. It works best to choose one frozen fruit plus bananas.  If you skip the bananas it’s not as thick a desert but still good.

6.    If the top gets set, poke with a spoon, (with the blender off), then blend some more.

7.   Pour into a large bowl and put in fridge; in about 5-10 minutes your dessert will be ready.

8.   Add ¼ cup of cool whip topping. (only 1 point in Weight Watchers!)

9.   Eat as much of the yummy dessert as you need to satisfy your sweet tooth.

This is rich, fluffy, yummy, good and won’t mess with your diet plan. My family laughs at me with my bowl of “dessert” but it helps me deal with cravings.

Which brings up something else.  Anyone who struggles with their weight has cravings. We may dress them up, deny them, try to over-look them but they are there waiting to drive us to the local Mickey-D’s and send us down the road packing on more pounds.

What can you do when the cravings hit?  Sometimes I confess, I’m a goner. I’m swept away by my own desires and find myself chomping away on a treat that I convinced myself I couldn’t live without. Don’t expect or demand perfection from yourself. There are going to be those times good intentions aside, when you have a set back or two. The plan is that overall, the basic trend of your life will become making better choices, more often.  This will translate into a gradual, consistent weight loss where you achieve more of balanced life-style that supports healthier habits.

To help with this process in myself, I joined Weight Watchers and have stuck to attending my meetings. I need to hear weekly new information, motivational insights and join with other people who are experiencing the same journey. It helps me to stay on track, and regroup after a setback.

Today, I’m hoping that I will show a loss at the scales. I had more triumphs then defeats this week when it comes to healthier eating habits. I wasn’t able to walk as much as I would have liked, but climbed the stairs at work dozens upon dozens of times, trying to run up them when I could.  If I don’t show a loss at the scale I will remind myself that each week I’m getting smaller, gaining muscle tone and developing healthy habits for life. (note: lost another pound this week. Yeah!!!!)

Today my schedule is pretty busy. Weight Watchers, shopping, making a run to the dump,  cleaning. I’m hoping the weather report was accurate and sun will warm me in the afternoon when I hope to be somewhere soaking it up. We’ll see.

God was good to me this week and several prayers have been answered which helps me have a thankful heart and a positive outlook. I don’t know how people survive who don’t pray. I know I would be lost. Even with prayer, and other believing friends life can be difficult at times. Sometimes, it’s me and my Bible, reading, claiming verses, praying, seeking God to help. He is faithful and after a time of storms comes a calm, a lull.

I wish I could encourage each of you personally to set new goals, begin again, and seek God to help you. He is faithful. He will answer, and someday you will have joy in the morning. Be happy, be blessed and be fit.