In the Twilight Hours.......Moment by Moment

Now when I am old and gray-headed oh God, do not forsake me.

                                             Psalms 75:18

     In the wee hours of morning, around four am, I woke up. I had been having a nightmare of sorts, bits and pieces of my life mixed into strange scenarios with forebodings of evil. It left me ill at ease and with an onslaught of memories that came with increasing intensity; old wounds from family and friends; newer wounds from some rebellious children and grandchildren who have thrown my years of love and care in the dust to “do their own thing.” Health worries, financial worries, job worries they all seemed to flood my mind in a surge of overwhelming obstacles to peace and hope.

     I couldn’t shake the heavy weight of impossibilities that surrounded me and switched on my bedside lamp to find my Bible. I read Psalm after Psalm looking for promises of God’s help and deliverance. I continued reading but the oppressive spirit didn’t leave. I turned off my light and raised my hands to God and prayed the only prayer I could, “Jesus help me! This is too much, help me!” I continued to pray and finally fell asleep. Morning light finally came and it appears the darkness of my soul had lifted.

     Some of you may wonder, “Why on earth is she sharing this? This is all kind of weird.” Well, it occurred to me that some of you might be experiencing your own seasons of grief and loss. Having an understanding that it’s possible that at your weakest times, fear, resentment, and regret can come into your heart and mind with a force unequaled may help you understand; 1. You are not alone in this. God is there to help you. 2. It’s part of a greater spiritual battle. Please understand, I don’t pretend to know all about spiritual warfare. I read my Bible, I attend church, I watch some Christian broadcasts but when all is said and done, prayer in the name of Jesus breaks through barriers, that thoughts, words and  beliefs cannot.

There’s a song I love that illustrates this:

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus

There’s something about that name.

Master, Savior Jesus

Like the fragrance, after the rain.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus

Let all heaven and earth proclaim.

Kings and Kingdoms will all pass away

But there’s something about that name.

                      Bill and Gloria Gaither

     I don’t know what’s ahead of me. There doesn’t seem to be much of anything I can do except wait, pray and see what happens. Everything in my life right now is upside down. I cannot seek comfort in Nature because I’m grounded from driving. I cannot find comfort in work because my job is in jeopardy. I cannot seek comfort in things because it is unknown whether I will be facing poverty and those possessions will flee. I cannot seek comfort in family because many of my family members have abandoned me.   I am not alone in this. The world is full of children and adults facing even more over whelming circumstances than I am. War, crime, incest, abuse, addiction, disease, abject poverty, religious persecutions, divorce, abandonment, the list is almost endless.

   This morning one of my devotional readings was about God being the potter and we are the clay. The devotional went on to talk about God having created us before time began for specific things for us to accomplish, God’s will for our lives. O.k. in my life, I have been fortunate to discover that even when I rebelled and went against Plan A, God’s mercy was gracious and He gave me Plan B, and Plan C.

    Now, with uncertainty facing me I don’t know what God’s objectives are. I know learning to trust Him is always part of the plan; I know learning to wait is part of the plan; I know accepting things outside of my control is part of the plan; and I know learning to be more like Him is part of the plan.

    The part that worries me is the part where I don’t know what’s going to happen. There’s not a plan I can make to cover all the contingencies. I am going to have to take things as they come. This is much like being in an airplane and the pilot tells you over the loud speaker, “Well folks, (why they use the word folks, I don’t know) There’s going to be some pretty rough turbulence ahead so the seat belt light is going on and we’ll be through this in about, oh, twenty minutes or so.”

Well if you’re on that plane you can’t opt out and let the stewardess know, “Hey I want to be on a different flight.” You’re on that flight and nothing can change that now. You’ll have to ride it out with the rest of the people on your flight.

   Well, I believe that God can change circumstances, but I also know that sometimes the circumstances (unpleasant ones) don’t change but that any changing to be done has to be done in the person. I was in a conversation recently with an individual who was complaining that I wasn’t like this person, or like that person. At that moment, I was at peace and answered, “Well, God keeps working on my personality, He’s not through with me yet.”

     It was several days later that I had the near black out in my car that has changed some things in my life. If I try to see and believe that God’s hand is still on the potter’s wheel I’ll keep believing that these things are for my good. That there are imperfections in me that only more stress can help remove.

     Way back in my early twenties, I owned an old potter’s wheel. I would center the clay and try to create something beautiful. You  had to concurrently press on the clay and mold the clay with your fingers. Much more difficult than it looked. I had friends who were professional potters and their creations were truly amazing. I got frustrated with the multitude of my botched artistic efforts and gave up trying. I never became a potter.

     Right now, if I give up before the process is done any beauty of character or increase in usefulness in my life will not be accomplished.  I have to go through the process, painful or not.

Another song I’ve loved for years goes like this:

I don't know about tomorrow

I just live from day to day
I don't borrow from the sunshine
For it's skies may turn to gray
I don't worry o'er the future
For I know what Jesus said
And today He'll walk beside me
For He knows what lies ahead

Refrain:
Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand

Ev'ry step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter
Ev'ry cloud is silver lined
There the sun is always shining
There no tear will dim the eye
At the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains touch the sky

Refrain:
Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand

           Songwriter: Ira Stanfield

     To my readers, if you want to hear what any of these songs sound like just Google the first line and a number of free recordings pop up. Sometimes, old hymns like these can be comforting and can surround you with music to fill you with encouragement.

Through the twilights of your own lives, remember,

When darkness tries to trick you

With a million, hopeless lies

Just beyond the shadows

The God of peace resides.

    When all else fails, try God! Be blessed.