Searching- Moment by moment

Once at church, a pastor had shared a story of how a shepherd takes care of his sheep. He loves the sheep and watches over them to see they are fed, get water, aren’t victims from preying animals. He takes his job seriously. Occasionally, a lamb is born that lacks the normal herding instinct. That lamb has an adventuresome nature and wanders off to explore patches of land not within the shepherd’s watchful eye. Away from the flock and the shepherd, that lamb runs the risk of being eaten by a wild animal, he is not safe.  After having retrieved the lamb from its straying several times the shepherd does something that seems cruel, he breaks one of its legs. The lamb doesn’t understand what is happening, it only knows the pain and the curtailment of his wanderings.

     Well, that pastor had told the story to illustrate the fact that sometimes Jesus, our great shepherd has to “break our leg” figuratively speaking because we are prone to wander. Well for me, I’ve been trying to get closer to God and the recent “breaking of my leg” with ill health has been puzzling to me. That ill health also came with a shocking Dr’s order to quit driving. Getting that news and adjusting to what that means in my life, well, let’s just say I’m not adjusting well to being not able to drive. I had imagined perhaps twenty years from now I’d face losing my driving privileges, certainly not now. I’m trying to find meaning in the middle of this chaos of ill health and ensuing problems. Certainly I still believe in God but, yes but, I can’t help wondering, “Is this the beginning of the end of my life? Will the kidney problems translate into having to having dialysis, or surgery? Both of my parents had kidney surgery, with the removal of one kidney. Why should I be exempt? Will the heart monitor reveal additional problems with my heart that will further curtain my physical activity? Will I need surgery? And so the questions keep coming.

     At work, I joke about wearing my  heart monitor.It's a funny thing with leads attached to your chest, a call button attached and a wireless phone that tracks your heart function. If I forget to take the "phone" part with me from one room to the next it pathetically states, "Searching, searching, cannot find pendant!" (the call button part hanging from my neck.) That  small box with a button, looks like the call alert button advertised on TV for seniors.  In the TV advertisement,  it shows a senior laying on the floor crying, “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”  Well, in a way, I’ve fallen and I’m trying to get up. At night, the small box, blinks a blue flashing light near my face waking me up at odd moments to wonder what’s going on.Well, a lot of me is wondering what’s going on. I'm searching for meaning.  Where is God headed with all of this in my life?

     Grounded from driving, I continue to ride the small rural transit bus to work. In the early morning I walk down the hill from where I live and then wait in the cold morning air for the bus to appear. Others have joined me on this bus and share bits and pieces of how they’ve come to depend on public transport. We are travelers together in a weird happenstance of fate.

     At work, I struggle against the weakness of the kidney infection and make the calls and do the paperwork required. Yesterday, in an effort to recoup revenue I was assigned five weekly assessments for the duration of the modified schedule. Assessments involve miles of paperwork and thousands (seemingly) of questions. But, I can’t expect my work to have me there just hanging around, it is called work for a reason.

    This April weekend is supposed to be the first hot, summer-like time. My medication for the kidney infection requires I stay out of the sun. I want to cry in protest and I realize what a wimp I am. Millions of people suffer with serious health issues. Millions are hungry possibly every day of their lives. Millions suffer with addiction, mental health problems, or are homeless. Why should I faced with some health issues, (rare for me) be so weak-kneed to not just take it cheerfully? Sort of I feel like I need a stern talking to, “Why shouldn’t I be sick?” “Why should I always be in such good health while all around me people I know suffer from serious health issues?” “Why should I be immune to suffering?”

    I have been very grateful for my excellent health. I have so enjoyed the many wonderful hikes and bike rides I’ve taken these last few years. Maybe I will again be able to enjoy hiking alone in the woods or at the beach. Maybe I will get better. And if not, will I learn to be sick gracefully. Will I accept God’s providence for me as including ill health?

     One of the men I’ve met while riding the bus is younger than I am. He’s a Veteran and has shared that he’s accepted the fact that his body is in a state of decay. He admits he thought it would be longer before health related disability set in. His COPD issues caught him by surprise. Why he was still physically strong, he was still mentally alert. Having breathing issues restrict his life came as a heart-breaking, life altering shock. But he says, he has accepted it. He is trying to be thankful for what he does has and is gradually adjusting to his limitations. Most difficult he shared, was giving up his independence and facing having to ask people for help. One such pressing problem was the need for firewood getting cut for next winter. Although strong, he can’t physically keep up with the task. He hates asking anybody for help with this and is delaying for a short while the inevitable request, it is more than humbling.

     For me, weakened by my current health issues, walking to and from the bus is almost more than I can do. Coming home last night, I hiked a half mile or so to the stop. Then after spending almost an hour and half on the bus I hiked slowly up the hill I live on. Every few feet I had to stop and rest. My body aches and the coat I wore against the chill of the early morning frost seemed to be a claustrophobic garb.

But I made it home, heated up some frozen food and fell asleep watching TV.  Quality of life alert, not so good. And so, moment by moment I’m trying to figure this out.

     Update: more tests today at the Dr’s office. Shockingly, these tests were painful and left me weak and hurting. I called my youngest and she brought me home where I sit recouping. Waiting for her to buy me soda at Safeway, her four year old son said very quietly, “Gramma, sometimes when people get sick, they die. I don’t want you to die. We need to take care of you.” Ok, well that made me cry. This sweetest of small children shared with me, he doesn’t want me to die. How precious.

    Now, still resting, and still sore I sit overlooking the forested hills. It is sunny and there is a wonderful breeze blowing through the house. I cannot know what the future holds. I continue to read my Bible daily and pray. God is good and no matter what things will be ok. Not wild about suffering but oh well, I have had a long and healthy life, I have been blessed.

   And, if I’m dying from cancer or some other deadly disease, I am going to enjoy my life moment by moment, but with a heightened awareness of what pain feels like, and hopefully a more compassionate heart for others who are suffering. God is good, my joy will come in the morning, whether in this life or the next. Be blessed and seek His face.