" Thou wilt keep her in perfect peace whose mind is stayed at you." Isaiah 26:3
My world changed in a moment. One day I was
hiking the beach, alone with nature, and now, a few days later, I am unable to drive, dependent on others to
take me here and there. I feel, in the midst of this oddly peaceful. As if
things around me have come to a screeching halt and now things move slowly, out
of my control, happening outside of me redefining the direction of my life.
My body, staunch warrior of childbirth, marriage,
divorce, college, working, child-rearing, working has decided to shut down as
if it were and condense the wear of tear of 64 years into a collapsing of
sorts; leaving me as it were at “it’s” mercy. I can no longer hike for hours,
work long shifts, endure incredible stresses but I need to step back, rest, and
allow the physicians to do their tests and tell me what they have found. I have
to laugh, because it’s not at all like a treasure hunt but more like a
reconnaissance mission finding out what the damages are and making a new plan
of attack.
Driving home a week ago, after a long day of trying
to arrange inpatient treatment for youth struggling with inconceivable
addictions; working on monthly status reports; typing seemingly endless
case notes; making countless phone calls; I looked forward to just eating some
dinner and resting. I drove twelve miles and then reached the last downhill
stretch to the small rural town where I live in Oregon. Suddenly, something odd
happened. Blackness seemed to come into my field of vision from both sides and
I couldn’t see the road ahead of me. My brain felt “weird” and all I could
think was, “I’ve got to get off the road!” I couldn’t tell where the road was and
I felt kind of paralyzed, just gripping the wheel. My vision began to clear
after some seconds and I had the odd sensation that the car was floating on the
road with a few soft bumps. Kind of like some of the rides at Disneyworld.
I went home, ate and went to bed. Morning brought
more of a sense of reason to me and after driving to work I realized, “I need
to call my Doctor; maybe I’ve had a stroke or something.” Well Kaiser was very
supportive, the nurse listened to me and then then routed me to a physician. He
listened and then recommended I immediately go to the ER. At my work, you can’t
leave without notifying a supervisor, it’s a write up. Our staff were all in a
meeting and I stood outside the door until my Program Manager looked up. I
beckoned her out and told her what the physician had told me. She offered to
drive me and at first I stubbornly said, “No, I’m ok.” Reason again stepped in
and I realized I’d better not drive and humbly I told her, “Yes please, if you
wouldn’t mind.”
At the ER they hooked me to a heart monitor, took an
x ray of my heart, took blood work, did some other stuff and then after a number
of hours released me after confabbing with Kaiser and setting up a follow up
appointment. I got my discharge papers which among other things specified do
not drive, period. There were also other symptoms to watch for and as I read
them I realized, “Oops, I thought some of this stuff was just part of getting
old.” The next am a nurse called me to check on me, (Ok I never remember that
happening before in my life). But it was nice, all the same. I mentioned I had
looked over the “things to watch for list” and I have had some of those
happening and thought it was old age related. The nurse was very nice, but very
insistent that no, they were warning signs, and could be related to serious
health issues.
One of the reasons the nurse was concerned I
wouldn’t keep the appointment is because I rarely go to the doctor, ever. My
physician joked it had been almost four years since she had seen me, only it
was no joke. I just don’t go, I rarely get sick and have not been on any
medications. So I went to
the appointment and was referred to additional, multiple appointments with
tests and specialists. My youngest daughter willing to drive me urged me to
confer with her before making the appointments since she already has a busy,
busy schedule.
I called my work and
requested the last week of my vacation time off, there was a long silence on the
phone and then I got the ok. So I have this week off, appointments stretching
out long past that and additionally facing the unknown on several fronts. But I
feel peaceful. My Bible is a source of comfort. My church family is a wonderful
source of emotional support. Several of my work friends are praying for me and
offering to help. A Weight Watcher friend offered to take me to church and
Weight Watchers. My youngest daughter has been helping take me to appointments
and stores. All these people touch my
heart with their kindnesses. I am amazed actually by their willingness to help
me.
And so, I’m not really sick now, just facing the
unknown; health, job, finances. I will continue to read my Bible as I’m able;
read my devotionals; pray; start walking around this small town this next week
off and discover what it’s like to be on foot.
There’s an old song,
Moment by moment I’m kept in His love,
Moment by moment I’ve life from above;
Looking to Jesus till glory doth shine;
Moment by moment I’m kept in His love,
Moment by moment I’ve life from above;
Looking to Jesus till glory doth shine;
Moment by moment, O Lord, I am Thine“
Fragments of songs come to me throughout the day, comforting me, encouraging me.
Fragments of songs come to me throughout the day, comforting me, encouraging me.
Now, the sun is shining on the branches of the trees
outside my window, the birds are singing in the woods and I will begin my day.
Normally, I’d have just completed my Weight Watchers meeting, gone to Win Co and
bought groceries, and done a few errands in town before taking off to the
coast, or mountains. A revised schedule presents itself. Within my
circumscribed world I will attempt to be happy. I don’t know if this is for a
while; or if it’s the beginning of a much longer period of increasingly,
confining circumstances. But, moment by moment, I’m kept in His love, and
remarkably I am experiencing joy in this morning.
Goodbye and be blessed!!
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