Moment by moment.....

" Thou wilt keep her in perfect peace whose mind is stayed at you." Isaiah 26:3

  My world  changed in a moment. One day I was hiking the beach, alone with nature, and now, a few days later,  I am unable to drive, dependent on others to take me here and there. I feel, in the midst of this oddly peaceful. As if things around me have come to a screeching halt and now things move slowly, out of my control, happening outside of me redefining the direction of my life.

     My body, staunch warrior of childbirth, marriage, divorce, college, working, child-rearing, working has decided to shut down as if it were and condense the wear of tear of 64 years into a collapsing of sorts; leaving me as it were at “it’s” mercy. I can no longer hike for hours, work long shifts, endure incredible stresses but I need to step back, rest, and allow the physicians to do their tests and tell me what they have found. I have to laugh, because it’s not at all like a treasure hunt but more like a reconnaissance mission finding out what the damages are and making a new plan of attack.

     Driving home a week ago, after a long day of trying to arrange inpatient treatment for youth struggling with inconceivable addictions; working on monthly status reports; typing seemingly endless case notes; making countless phone calls; I looked forward to just eating some dinner and resting. I drove twelve miles and then reached the last downhill stretch to the small rural town where I live in Oregon. Suddenly, something odd happened. Blackness seemed to come into my field of vision from both sides and I couldn’t see the road ahead of me. My brain felt “weird” and all I could think was, “I’ve got to get off the road!” I couldn’t tell where the road was and I felt kind of paralyzed, just gripping the wheel. My vision began to clear after some seconds and I had the odd sensation that the car was floating on the road with a few soft bumps. Kind of like some of the rides at Disneyworld.

      I went home, ate and went to bed. Morning brought more of a sense of reason to me and after driving to work I realized, “I need to call my Doctor; maybe I’ve had a stroke or something.” Well Kaiser was very supportive, the nurse listened to me and then then routed me to a physician. He listened and then recommended I immediately go to the ER. At my work, you can’t leave without notifying a supervisor, it’s a write up. Our staff were all in a meeting and I stood outside the door until my Program Manager looked up. I beckoned her out and told her what the physician had told me. She offered to drive me and at first I stubbornly said, “No, I’m ok.” Reason again stepped in and I realized I’d better not drive and humbly I told her, “Yes please, if you wouldn’t mind.”

      At the ER they hooked me to a heart monitor, took an x ray of my heart, took blood work, did some other stuff and then after a number of hours released me after confabbing with Kaiser and setting up a follow up appointment. I got my discharge papers which among other things specified do not drive, period. There were also other symptoms to watch for and as I read them I realized, “Oops, I thought some of this stuff was just part of getting old.” The next am a nurse called me to check on me, (Ok I never remember that happening before in my life). But it was nice, all the same. I mentioned I had looked over the “things to watch for list” and I have had some of those happening and thought it was old age related. The nurse was very nice, but very insistent that no, they were warning signs, and could be related to serious health issues.

     “Oh,” I thought, “it begins”. In the course of the conversation the “C” word was mentioned in passing as one of the possible health issues related to my symptoms. Ok, having lost a dad to cancer, any mention of even a remote possibility of having cancer got my attention. I assured the nurse I wouldn’t skip the appointment.

      One of the reasons the nurse was concerned I wouldn’t keep the appointment is because I rarely go to the doctor, ever. My physician joked it had been almost four years since she had seen me, only it was no joke. I just don’t go, I rarely get sick and have not been on any medications. So I went  to the appointment and was referred to additional, multiple appointments with tests and specialists. My youngest daughter willing to drive me urged me to confer with her before making the appointments since she already has a busy, busy schedule.  

     I called my work and requested the last week of my vacation time off, there was a long silence on the phone and then I got the ok. So I have this week off, appointments stretching out long past that and additionally facing the unknown on several fronts. But I feel peaceful. My Bible is a source of comfort. My church family is a wonderful source of emotional support. Several of my work friends are praying for me and offering to help. A Weight Watcher friend offered to take me to church and Weight Watchers. My youngest daughter has been helping take me to appointments and stores.  All these people touch my heart with their kindnesses. I am amazed actually by their willingness to help me.

  

     And so, I’m not really sick now, just facing the unknown; health, job, finances. I will continue to read my Bible as I’m able; read my devotionals; pray; start walking around this small town this next week off and discover what it’s like to be on foot.

     There’s an old song, 
Moment by moment I’m kept in His love,
Moment by moment I’ve life from above;
Looking to Jesus till glory doth shine;

 Moment by moment, O Lord, I am Thine“
         Fragments of songs come to me throughout the day, comforting me, encouraging me.

Now, the sun is shining on the branches of the trees outside my window, the birds are singing in the woods and I will begin my day. Normally, I’d have just completed my Weight Watchers meeting, gone to Win Co and bought groceries, and done a few errands in town before taking off to the coast, or mountains. A revised schedule presents itself. Within my circumscribed world I will attempt to be happy. I don’t know if this is for a while; or if it’s the beginning of a much longer period of increasingly, confining circumstances. But, moment by moment, I’m kept in His love, and remarkably I am experiencing joy in this morning.

Goodbye and be blessed!!