Day 64 - 38 days 'til Christmas

 

　

Me at Disneyworld, Christmas time some five years ago, a happier, healthier time in my life.

Yesterday, I caught up on my emails. Sorting the junk mail from the updates on friends, acquaintances and bills. I got some bad news about a younger brother of a childhood friend. He'd been sitting in his study, had shooting pains and wound up recuperating in the hospital. We truly do not know the number of our days. Still recuperating myself, I bought the fixings for Thanksgiving dinner and then came home and sunk into refuge of my recliner, quilts and remotes in hand. On and off I tackled a few projects but slunk back to my chair aware I am still weak. I can't help wondering if this not feeling good is going to end, or if it's the beginning of a more serious decline. Time will tell.

At home, I caught bits and pieces of news programs. Videos of the hurricane aftermath. Houses in ruin, people without power, or homes. Wars and rumors of wars. Intermixed was wierd overtones of Black Friday sales hype. We are a strange culture of buying and selling in the middle of a sinking ship of world upheavel.

I am awake before 5 am. A quiet house on an early Sunday morning. I will have some company coming this week and the house beckons me to clean, I am still too tired and realize tomorrow at this time I will be getting ready for work, fortunate to have only a 3 day work week, but one full of month end reports and endless groups and lectures.

I realize I need to rekindle my positive outlook and know I need to do something different. Bad weather upon us with a fury, outside treks are put on hold. Along with the awareness that my good health has somehow flown out the window. Another guy at my work was lamenting his own bout with the "bug" wondering if he would ever feel better. So, usual retreats aside, I know something must change. Diving into a spiral of dismal self-introspection hasn't historically been demonstrated as a "cure-all" for blues of any kind. World or personal problems haven't been solved in a pity-party soup of "poor me".

So, what about "talk therapy?" Can I simply talk myself out of feeling bad? I have clients who subscribe to this theory and every group they try to dominate the conversation sharing their story, their opionions their view of me, me, me. Nope, I can't see that their self-absorbed perspective is gaining them any insight into their own problems, so why would I believe indulging in the same belly-button concentration would help me? Hmm....it all goes back o the age-old dilemma of faith versus reason. Men (and women) throughout the ages have fallen into the trap of thinking, "We can just think ourselves out of what ever problem presents itself." There is some kind of intrinsic delight into believing that the answer lies within.

However, I've been down this road before enough times to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the answer certainly does not lay within me for sure. Times before when presented with some kind of a seemingly insurmountable obstacle in my life I have only found real relief in seeking God, hanging on for dear life and waiting.

Downstairs in my laundry room a pile of clothes awaits my tending. When you live in a large house, with lots of extra rooms, I believe the laundry pile becomes proportionately large. Anyway, inside that pile, is an old hand-embroidered picture of Elijah with his hand out, the raven sent by God hovering just overhead with bread in it's mouth. I made that rough hewn picture some 40 years ago, an abandoned, pregnant wife living in a small Tacoma apartment waiting for my first child to be born.

In those subsequent 40 years of living, there have been many times when like Elijah, I've had to wait, that I've been frustrated. Doing something, figuring things out, making plans, taking action. Those are things that "feel better" than waiting. Waiting seems so passive, so not doing anything. As a teenager at camp, Miracle Ranch outside Seattle, I learned a chorus, "They that wait upon the Lord, shall renew their strength. They shall mount up on wings of Eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. Teach me Lord, teach me Lord, to wait." Isaiah

And so now, here I am pressed in on all sides by things that need done. Lacking strength and resources to fulfill what needs done. I am like the boy trying to fix the hole in the dike with his finger. My financial ruin is kept at bay by a feeble attempt to 'rob Peter to pay Paul' syndrome. Here a little, there a little trying to keep lights and heat on. Water and food. My bill pile is huge and I realize I am only one of millions caught up by inflationary spirals, and the horrible awareness that the home you bought dropped it's value 40, 50, 60 thousand dollars and you are so far under "water" with the mortgage you'll never see daylight.

But then, it is a week of Thanksgiving. My refrigerator is full of food. The lights are still on. Although outside, the rains are coming torrentially down, I am safe inside, with heat and comfort. So many would trade my safe, perch for their own tramatic world of disaster. I need to acquire a global outlook, a perspective that includes an awareness that even in my worst case scenario, foreclosure, terminal illness, I still have so many advantages millions to not have. That even at my point of most desperate need, I am still surrounded by so many blessings, including, and foremost, my awareness that God loves me, and no matter what He will help me through.

So, no matter what, I will try to continue. To hope and pray for stength to complete my tasks. To finish what lays ahead and to try to maintain a greatful heart, to realize I am not alone, that God holds my right hand.

Today, if you struggle with your own valley of despair, take heart. Lift your cares to the God of all compassion. If you are sick, my heart goes out to you. Two weeks of illness and I realize what a struggle being ill is. If you are poor, my hands reach out to you. Struggling this last two years I realize financial pressures can be horrific. If you are depressed, take heart, read the Psalms, pray and find others to help take you through the darkness. God is light and in Him there is no darkness. Although your way may be dim, the struggle long, believe that someday the burden will be lifted. The chorus of an old song goes, "Burdens are lifted at Calvary, Calvary, Calvary. Burdens are lifted at Calvary. Jesus is very near." I believe you can be like the man who came to Jesus and he said, "I believe, help Thou my unbelief." It is not our faith that saves us, it is not our mind or reason that thinks us out, it is Jesus, only Jesus.

　

Day 63 - Jesus Please

Day 63- Facing illness

       For over two weeks I have been ill. Headaches, cold symptoms, fever, dizziness, upset stomach, aches, pains the works. I've had such incredibly good health for such a long time, the whole not feeling good has been upsetting. I've gone to work ill days upon days and finally took a day off, sleeping all night and all the next day. The world seems grayer then usual, and my outlook is impaired.

I can't help but wonder how do people with terminal diseases come to grips with life and be pleasant? I don't feel pleasant, I feel horrible and it feels like it will never stop.

On top of which, I don't want to read my Bible. Why the two things, being sick, and not wanting to read my Bible should go together, I don't know. But for right now that's the way it is. I get my mail, I get phone calls about over-due bills and the hopelessness about things getting better seems to get larger.

I keep reminding myself, I have food, I have heat, lights, a home, a job and a lot more. Why is it that debt should have such a toll on my positive outlook? I guess the whole insurmountable aspect of it is part of it. I'm too old and tired to take on a second job, my current job sucks 12.5 hours out of my life every day five days a week. It is very taxing work with people who are very unhappy very addicted and used to a life of crime, drugs and chaos.

Where is God in all of this mess? I try to think of all the millions of people world wide who lack food, adequate shelter and realize I am only experiencing a fraction of the suffering they feel daily. Watching their families die through lack of food, medical care and impoverishment has to be incredibly painful. Who am I after just a couple weeks of illness to complain and wonder where God is?

Obviously, Job I'm not and instead I'm apparently longing for my good health, renewed energy, and affluent lifestyle that I grew to love so well the short period it lasted. So here I am on a Saturday morning, up before dawn, looking at my day. I will attend my Weight Watchers meeting facing the inevitable weight gain. Not feeling well for several weeks my exercise has fallen to little or none. My eating habits have been sporadic, and based more of what's easiest than what's healthy. (Went to my Weight Watchers meeting, lost 1.6 pounds this week. Total 25.8 pounds)

I have committed myself to seeing the getting fit plan through to the end, even though now, still feeling icky I can't help wondering what effect a long term illness might have on my plan. I have to buy a few things, pet food, fruit, vegetables. I will try to putter around and get what I need to done and come back to my quilts, chair and remote and doze on and off trying to best this virus that seems to have gotten the best of me.

At this point, I can only pray, "God help me." I feel horrible. I realize if this is something other than just a virus I will have a long haul ahead of me of adjusting to a new way of life. Each week in church we pray for more victims of cancer, heart disease, etc. I can't help but wonder, "Is it my time now?" I lost my father to cancer a little older than I am now. Why should I be exempt?

Having learned from experience not to make any major decisions when feeling ill or low I will attempt to maintain the statusquo and nothing else, until I either feel better or worse. Then, I will make careful decisions to deal with what happens.

Thanksgiving week is upon on and I will make a serious effort to count my blessings, even if it's from a sick bed. When I watch the news and see what people are going through I realize I should not complain, comparatively I have had things easier than many.

I will look now and try to find a verse that fits my current mindset.

"Why are you cast down oh my soul? And why are you disquieted in me? Hope in God. For I shall yet praise Him. The help of my countenance and my God." Psalms 42:11

I was asked to sing two weeks ago at our church. I've been too tired and sick to compose the music and have had to beg off with apologies. For those of you going through your own valleys of weeping, here are the words of my song:

Waiting through my darkest nights

To finally see the dawn.

Seeking God to give me faith

When all my hope is gone.

Looking through my weeping eyes

I fall down to my knees

With broken heart and wounded pride

I can only whisper, Jesus please....

Give me strength Lord

I cannot bear this

Ease my pain Lord

It hurts too much

I can't go on Lord

Through this valley

I need you near Lord

To feel your touch.

Listening for the Word of peace

To still my raging storm

To enter through the gates of faith

To God's love and sheltering arms.

Looking through my weeping eyes

I fall down to my knees

With broken heart and wounded pride

I can only whisper, Jesus please......

Give me strength Lord

I cannot bear this

Ease my pain Lord

it hurts too much

I can't go on Lord

Through this valley

I need you near Lord

To feel your touch.

Looking through my weeping eyes

I fall down to my knees

With broken heart and wounded pride

I can only whisper, Jesus please....

I can only whisper, Jesus..... please.

Day 62 Making every moment count

Day 62 - Making every moment count 

 This morning the clock has been set back an hour, daylight savings time has ended. My internal clock has kept going and I am awake before 4 am. I love morning. It's quiet and no one else is awake. I make my coffee, get my devotional books and Bible and have my quiet time. Today the emphasis was on what role our thoughts have in determining who we are. How the focus of our thoughts can determine to what degree our lives reflect the nature of Christ.

Well, that's a tall order for me for sure. As a mother who has raised seven children my life has been much of making sure the kids had what they needed, and were where they were supposed to be. At times, jobs, school, church and relationships intruded into that central focus. Being "selfless" wasn't always easy to do, and was in fact, sometimes, not my focus. Most of the time, however, instinctively I sought the best for my children. Praying, hoping that their lives would end up happy and blessed. Now as the last of the children reach adulthood I realize by in large who they continue to become is on them. My job is done.The good things, the bad things, the not quite good enough things I did as a mom are unchangeable.

In my life now, with the majority of my time spent with people who are angry, confused, manipulative, addicted, my role is to be a professional helper. To provide comfort, encouragement, guidance as they are willing to receive it. Often I am at best, a listening ear, allowing them to speak and process the memories of events painful and traumatic. I try to act in their best interests all the time. To act as if each one of them will recover, will quit using drugs, will quit committing crimes. I help them rekindle hope of a better future. And then, above all I pray and ask others to pray. And then, I let them go; back into the world to sink or swim trying to continue their journey towards new life, faith and recovery.

At the treatment center where I work we are blessed to have a retired couple, Mary Beth and Al, come every week to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ. They have been donating their time for over two years. They conduct a church service every week. The local church they attend also hosts a weekly Celebrate Recovery meeting, where food, fellowship, music and preaching give further opportunity for men to be presented with the choice to ask Jesus Christ into their hearts and lives. This opportunity is one that I cherish and know many of the men do also. It is another building block they can use to rebuild their lives.

Another point one of my devotionals made this morning, is that God hears the weakest prayers, and once made the power, peace and presence of the living God flows into the heart, mind and soul of that person. A miraculous change occurs and that individual is passed from the kingdom of darkness into the kingdom of light.

Do people still relapse who have accepted Christ into their lives? Yes, they do. Like the probation officers who have to email me the sad message of another clients journey back into heroin, or meth and crime; I have to face that addiction is not always cured by finding Christ. It is sometimes a slow, painful process that involves trial, error, success, failure, and trying again. It is in that part of the equation that I have to let go, emotionally, spiritually, and realize my part is to help provide a plan to recover; their part is to follow that plan.

And so, today, is my Sunday. Now just 5 am I relish the fact I have 16 hours ahead of me before I sleep again. My plans are to attend Sunday School and church. But in between those hours, about 4, I have free choice to do what I want. No longer the sweet golden days of fall, the wet winter rains are upon us. Do I want to run away to the ocean and brave the storm to drink in the cold, fresh wind, and allow the vista's of sky and sea to wash away the cobwebs that 19 long days of work created? Part of me says, "Yes!" And the visions of hot coffee and cocoa pop into my mind along with thoughts of campers stew cooked over a cook stove in one of the shelters nestled near Coffenbury Lake at Fort Stevens State Park. Hmm.... need to think a spell as to whether or not that's something I want to plan for.

Need another cup of my wonderful, freshly brewed coffee. I'm using the last of my fragrant coffee beans and I cherish the wonderful aromas of newly ground coffee beans brewing into coffee. Way back when, when I was a Home Economics major at the University of Washington I remember studying how many different aromas coffee actually had, and the scientific breakdown of those scents. It was truly amazing. For me, I know the luxury of having real coffee beans is something I allow myself now and then.

Well, coffee in hand I made a steaming bowl of hot oatmeal. A survey of the freezer indicates hot dogs at the coast might be a better option than camper's stew. We'll see. I only live an hour away from the ocean and I know once there the walking will do me good, just making the plans, bundling up and going will be the challenge.

I'll let you know how the day turned out. For now, I'll enjoy my coffee and oatmeal and start my day.

P.S. Update; went to the coast. Oh so beautiful. Walked on the ocean beach for 2.5 hours. Not cold, not wet just wild, free and oh so awesome.
 

Wherever you are, may this day be for you, a day of new beginnings. If you don't have a church home, and can't quite make the challenge of attending a service, turn on your TV.* Find a service that ministers to your soul and seek the Lord. May you find joy and hope in believing. My prayers go out to you this morning, keep looking up!

* I like, In Touch, with Charles Stanley.

Day 61 - With a spirit of expectation

 

It's early here, dark, outside the rain comes down with a soft pattering on the leaves. After nineteen days straight of working. I have two days off. Sigh, it seemed like a long haul. Often waking up, facing another day, I tried to think of the millions of people who work daily. The luxury of a five day week doesn't extend world-wide does it? If I complain about how tough I have had it, is it really all that bad?

But, it's over and I have a respite. I missed my Weight Watchers meeting last week. It felt bad to know I couldn't check in see how I was doing, see familiar faces and listen to a lecture on how to stay focused and stay on my program. Today, I will face where I am, and regroup before the onslaught of holidays treats, meals, and unending food sabotage my efforts and I start packing on pounds. If I were a bear, I suppose the added fuel would get me through my winter hibernation. But I am not, and instead I need to keep trying to maintain new healthier habits.

I also missed church and it felt a little funny, like I was becoming a tangential person riding along on the outskirts of life like a surfer riding a passing wave. It occurs to me that people without a home base church feel like this also, as if life is happening around them and their own world lies unobserved in its own sink or swim universe.

Co-incidentally my wi-fi connection crashed and I have been unable to connect at home. My facebook friends continue to share their lives, but I again, on the outside, unable to look in. I remember a long time ago when my then husband and I were illegal immigrants to Canada. He was a draft-dogger and he and I had tried to escape into Edmonton, Alberta. At night, going stir-crazy from living in an unfurnished couple rooms in a non-English speaking Italian families house, we would bundle up and walk the streets. The black of night acted as a shroud for the bone-chilling cold streets of Edmonton. We would pass houses lit from within with golden glows of lights revealing families about their evening's business. We both, lost souls, in an unwanted land looked in as we passed, a longing in our souls to belong where we didn't belong, to somehow find our own home in the midst of chaos.

   My devotions and Bible and prayer have provided an anchor to help me weather this storm of near exhaustion as I've plodded on through the seeming unending 19 days. The ladies I car-pool with in their own exuberant sharing of thoughts, feelings, and stories have been a comfort on my journey. Gifts from their heart of coffee and a salad have helped cheer my heart.

 My walking buddy gifted me with a huge box of tapes he thought I might like. Yesterday, having just a few minutes I opened the box to take a peek. I almost cried, here were many treasures I would so enjoy listening to. Many, many tapes of Charles Stanley's In Touch ministries sermons. I didn't have time to look at more of the tapes but hurried to thank my friend. What a thoughtful and sweet gesture. My friend indicated what I didn't want I could donate to our men's church at the treatment center. I can hardly wait to return and explore what appears to be over 60 sets of tapes. I'll let you know how many later after I count them.

And so along the way, there have been blessings. My walking buddy and I have gotten a few more walks in between the bouts of downpours. The woods we walk in are giving their last bright goodbyes to falls and the ground is covered with yellows, reds and oranges of their summer's coat of leaves, shed with the chill of nights, and rains cold kisses.

Today, spreads before me like an uncharted sea. I'm not sure what I will do. For sure, I intend on going to my Weight Watchers meetings. I am resolved to reach my goal weight no matter how long it takes. I also, have a million and one household tasks that have piled up through the last 19 days of work. Part of me, yearns to pack up, bundle up and escape to the outdoors. To brace myself for the wind, rain and November day and seeks vista's of oceans, and mountains and trees to wash away the cobwebs of too many hours of typing, listening, training and talking in the confines of the treatment center.

I'm not sure what to do..........the possibility of choice is like a delicious morsel of food enjoyed at an evening meal. I am so fortunate. I have so many blessings. Still with excellent health and so much strength for being 62. I have a home, food, a job, family everything I need. God has been very good to me.

And so, I read my Bible and devotional books and explore the possibilities of what the day holds. The Bible says, Man plans his way but God guides his steps. I wonder what God's will is for me this day? I will pray for wisdom and then choose a path. I like the verse in Psalms that says, He makes His footprints our pathway. I like to think about Jesus taking time out of his ministry to go to the mountains and sea to get away.

To all of you who read this blog, I've missed sharing but I've been on a journey that required me to use all my energies. Hopefully, things will quiet down in my life and we'll be able to touch base more often. I wish you all a wonderful November day. Remember, when lost and puzzeled, God is there waiting for you to reach our your hand. He promises to hold our right hand and to help us through our valleys of weeping. Take care, and talk with you soon.

Day 59 Time to regroup

 

     Yesterday, the Fall rains came with a vengeance. Safe inside my home after completing my errands in town, the gray skies and falling raindrops made a natural backdrop for my own gray mood. I know that when I feel like this, I need to regroup and get a new game plan in place.

 

 

     My strategy consisted of one, finding new words of inspiration to encourage my heart. I watched In Touch on television with Charles Stanley. I find his program has solid, Biblical teaching without the pressure to give beyond my means that so many programs have. He uses sound Biblical principles to look at everyday issues Christians face. So from the comfort of a Lazy Boy recliner, a bowl of steaming hot vegetable beef soup in hand I listened. A familiar story was told, of God's faithfulness to forgive us when we humble ourselves. The fact that God has a plan for each of our lives as we continue to seek Him and place our lives in His care.

 

     By the end of the program, I admit the dark cloud of my wounded heart felt encouraged. No matter who abandons me, or mistreats me, God is still there. The faithfulness of God is a constant that provides me with hope, strength and purpose. It is a "no matter what" kind of love that anchors my soul in times of heartbreak and sorrow.

       I caught the last part of a Joyce Meyer broadcast and found more encouragement. Joyce doesn't sugar coat life's darker moments but presents them in the context of God's redeeming power and love to overcome, to survive, to triumph. More hope began springing up through the tangles of my heartbreak and I knew with a little more rest I would begin to heal from the trauma of the last few weeks.

      Having had a very long work week, I rested, watched a little television and went to bed early. This morning, about 4 am I awoke. After reading my daily devotionals I decided to start reading and re-reading the words of Jesus. I confess, much of what He says, I don't understand because the ability to perform what He requires seems so far from my own capability.

 

 

Before in my life, when reading the Bible, I've loved the Psalms and Proverbs because I can relate more. When David calls down the fire of heavens on his enemies, well, frankly that's something I can wrap my mind around. There is something delightfully comforting about revengeful thoughts. I'm just saying. I realize that David's Psalms come full circle and talk about God's over-riding power to right a wrong situation; to protect and provide for His own. This same sovereignty precludes us, as humans taking revenge. In another passage it's pretty clear when it says, "Vengeance is mine," says the Lord.

      Anyhow, my strategy in re-reading the words of Jesus is that maybe, through the power of the Holy Spirit the meaning and power of His words will begin to be played out in my own life. That I will become more like Him. Many theologians have discussed the metaphysical nature of Jesus's words. That the words themselves are full of power and life. Jesus himself said, "The words I speak to you, they are life." (paraphrased) And so I begin to regroup. Cast down, but not forsaken, I will by God's grace get a new game plan in place for my life.

    Since the seasons have changed and my outside walks will be fewer, today I will have the treadmill brought back upstairs into the family room where I can walk and watch TV at the same time. The exercise bike will go in there also and I will track my time as I continue to straighten my body.

      Spiritually, I will try to get up earlier, to read the Bible more, to immerse myself in Scripture before tackling the taxing job of working with my clients. And, I will pray more, making a list of my prayer requests and bring them often to God in prayer, asking for help, strength, encouragement and hope. I love a song I hear often on the radio, the name escapes me but the phrase, " I know silent prayers get answered, miracles still happen every day."

      I can wait for a miracle. I can do my part to become what God wants me to be and leave the results to Him. Maybe just maybe, as I continue to try, a miracle will happen in me and I will realize that I am able to love the unlovely; to forgive those who hurt me; and to be strong and hopeful in the face of despair. Now that would be a good thing for sure.

Today, if in your life you face mountains of discouragement, pain and despair, know that you have a kind, loving Father who is waiting and willing to help you cope, to help you go through your night of weeping to discover your own joy in the morning. Take care, and I'll talk at you later. Be blessed.

Day 58 And the rains came

 

 Up early this morning, it is a Saturday, I do not work and the dark of night is still outside my window. Yesterday, the first Fall rains came. For weeks on end we've had sunny, warm days-a prolonged summer that hung like rare jewels upon the horizon, ready to be plucked and enjoyed.

I did enjoy those days, basking in the sun like a peaceful cat on a window sill. My daily walks I drank in the views of hills and valleys rich with trees and forests and glimpses of fields resting before their winter's sleep. My friend and I spent hours discussing end times, God's will and politics while pushing ourselves up hills being winded by the efforts.

We stopped at apple trees, grape vines, plum trees, and blackberry bushes. It was truly amazing how many trees there were, yellow apples, green apples, red apples. As the weather turned, the colder nights turned the sugar in the apples sweeter and we munched and talked out way through the wooded trails.

Yesterday, starting out the rains began and the trails became yellow and orange bathed in the falling leaves. The sound of the rain on the forests canopy was a present reminder that this season was over and a change was happening. Like most changes, this was a wistful sad one for me, a goodbye to golden days of drinking in the forest's smells and pushing myself to gain strength and endurance. By the time the first loop of our walk ended, we were both pretty soaked and my friend suggested we not do the second loop up another hill through the paved city streets. I agreed and we parted ways each to our own pursuits.

Now, early morning the awareness of the fleeting nature of life is upon me. I feel as if I could poke through the fabric of my life to the other side of eternity so easily. I'm finding it difficult to attend to mundane daily tasks as this apparition of "life" comes and goes. Increasingly I am less inclined to get involved in work political struggles and tend to watch more and say less. It is not my job any more to fight some battles.

Staying on task with realizing that the lives I touch may at any time be snuffed out by a relapse, I share as much as I ethically can about the importance on using the time in treatment to seek God, pray and try to reconnect to a Higher Power they've pushed aside for crime and use.

Each morning, I seek God's face and try to renew my commitment to being in His will and love. It's somewhat discouraging to find, that in the same way the makeup I put on each morning wears off through the day, so does my Godliness.

It is part of being human, this inability to ever perfectly reflect God's nature in ourselves. My devotional this morning was about Moses. It spoke about the fact, early in his life, he felt the need to defend his people. He fought and killed someone who was hurting an Israelite. Then he fled, to live 40 years in the desert tending flocks. When he came across the burning bush and God called him to go and rescue His people he asked, "Who am I that I should go?" He had the passion early on but lost it through the mundane of the every day existence.

So it is for most of us. The "everydayness" of life tends to dull our higher callings, our passions, our dreams. The conflicts, the challenges of life tends to sap our energies until we start running on empty, so to speak. Right now, frankly, I'm running on empty. I've lost my edge because of sorrow, disappointments, and stress. What will I do about this? Well, when I was younger I would run. I would change careers, friends, living circumstances and seek relief from the pain of going through the trial. That didn't work of course, but in my youth I thought change was the answer.

Now, with the awareness ever in my mind that, "this too will pass," I move more slowly. Yes I will attempt to do more to rest my soul, replete my inner reserves, and re-charge my batteries, but I will not run. Moses ran to 40 years of wilderness experience to train his soul, I don't have 40 years left to train my soul. But what I have is precious to me. So the rains came finally and our seasons have changed. In my own life the rains have come, and the season has changed.

With God's help, I will stand steady, continue to seek His face and will and accept the fact this life holds suffering in its hands for many. It is a bitter cup but it is part and parcel of being alive in an imperfect world. My hope remains that someday, I will wake up and find "joy in the morning" whether it is in this life or the next and at that time all tears will be wiped away.

Today if you are going through your own valley of weeping, look up. God hears and answers prayers and as you seek Him, peace will come in the midst of the storm and you will be strengthened to keep going on until the suffering is over. He promises it in his Word, and God does not lie.

Day 57 Well He brought me through the fire.....

     Sometimes, each of us must go through the fire of difficult circumstances. This week, I've been yelled at by a number of people. I've been frightened and cried.  I don't  find going through times like that fun.  I don't think anybody does.  Looking for the good, at work, many people came to me after being yelled at and let me know they cared. Another good thing, my heart which has been unable to cry, cried. Experiencing the pain, I didn't rejoice in suffering for sure, but in a way it seemed as if I were removed.  I could see the people, I could hear the mean things they were saying, but really ultimately I feel so far away emotionally.

 

I know God cares for me and those people. I don't know how to make things better. Right now, still hurting from the awful things that were said, I'm not really wanting to make things better, I just want to have peace in my life.

 

    Often, peace comes at a cost politically, relationally, and family wise. Sometimes the only way people can justify their actions is to create drama.  Wherever you go, no matter where, there's drama. At this stage of my life, most of the time I avoid drama like crazy.  Sometimes, I am forced into enduring it and I hate it. But, God is good and I survived.  Yes, I've lost some sleep, had a nightmare or two, but I will heal.

 

      I believe for each of us who truly seeks God, He blankets us with His love and allows the healing to take place where the memories of what were said or done loses it sting.  I heave a sign of relief and go on. At this age, and from this perspective, I see much of life, is just going on and to keep trying to stay positive.

 

   It's not always easy, when people lie, or say horrible things, the impulse is say things back.   They went over the limit of what they could say, and threatened violent things. Other people who yelled at me said, mean spiteful things, trying to hurt me, to put me down. I feel worn out. Usually, going to nature helps me but today, I feel so flat about these situations I just am trying to do the mundane things like wash dishes, clothes, clean house, make coffee and do the shopping. Sometimes the routine things have to be done woodenly, but there is some comfort in their familiar routines.

 

     Having had an enormously awful week, I overslept today and woke up at 9 am. I never, ever sleep that late. I realized looking out my window the the sun was too bright on the leaves to be 7 or 8, it had to be later. I rushed to get ready and drove the 18 miles to my Weight Watchers meeting. It means a great deal to me to attend these meetings. To refocus each week on getting fit, making better choices for myself. I arrived at the tail end of the meeting. I weighed in and found out I've lost 19.6 pounds.

    I still have a ways to go but I feel encouraged that if I keep walking and hiking, eat sensibly I'll someday go to my meeting and find out I've reached my goal. 

    And so, I continue on with my life. Somewhat discouraged by what  I've experienced this week but knowing if I keep praying, things will get better.  Sometimes it takes a long while for relationships to heal, years.  I don't know how God will comfort my heart but I trust He will.  It's been so in the past, many times.  I will have to just keep on keeping on. Doing the things I have to do; trying to still care for the people who are my responsibility and trust that where I fall short, God will step in.

 

    So,  still a beautiful fall evening, unbelievably warm, sunny and clear for October.  I am sitting outside my little, city library writing my blog, getting ready to go home to the comfort of my home.  I will get out my Bible this evening, re-read some Psalms and try to regain my perspective on where I am in this world of turmoil and pain; and focus on how God intends for me to seek His plan, and His peace.

 

My song

   Well he's brought me through the fire

    And he's saved me from the flood.

    He's redeemed me by His power,

    And He's cleansed me with His blood...

    And when my trials became so heavy,

    I couldn't take another step,

    That's when my God reached down and said,

    Child it's time for you to get up.

Chorus

    Cause you're going to go higher places,

    Then you've ever gone before

    And those tears you've cried, will all be dried

    And you're never gonna cry no more.

 

    Cause my hands they hold a healing

    My love is full of grace and

    My word will be revealing,

    My perfect plan, my perfect peace.

 

    So when you feeling kind of lowly

    And you think you can't go on

    Just put your trust in Jesus

    And He'll give to you this song.

    And He'll give to you, this song.

        Copyright 2003 Robin

 

   

If in your life you are going through dark scary places, pray, claim God's promises and dare to believe that even though you are in the midst of the storm now, that the day will come when joy comes in the morning.