Day 97 -Pay attention to the warning lights

     Good Morning to all. Daffodils are up and their bright yellow faces say hello to Spring. In my own  yard, my flowering cherry trees have pink buds ready to burst into bloom with just a few more warm days. 

     Yesterday was a heaven sent, warm spring day finding me laying flat on my back on the front porch soaking in the sun. The sky was a bright blue with white fluffy clouds sprinkled across it's vastness. It's been months since I just relaxed and enjoyed the sun on my face. This week, I've taken a break from the grind of my counseling job and am taking care of myself and the details of my own life.

      Our beloved minivan has been detailed, washed, and readied for the sales lot. Can't help but feel bad since so many happy family memories have been shared in it's family-friendly interior.  But, wisdom, financial need, and pure common sense dictate it find a new home. One last loving gesture was to get the oil changed yesterday. For the three years and 10 months I've owned it, I have religiously gotten the oil changed. In my youth, I experienced what happens when you don't change the oil, and at this age, I don't need to relearn that painful lesson.  Funny thing though, all the times I've gotten the oil changed the change oil light and signal have stayed on. It hasn't mattered if I've gone to the dealer, or Jiffy Lube, no one has turned it off. 

     I decided yesterday to ask the technician, "Ah, could you tell me how to get this warning light off please?"  "Sure," he replied, "just turn the key to the right, but don't turn the engine on. Then push the gas pedal down three times." "What?" I asked myself. "Is this some kind of Wizard of Oz, strange thing like Dorthy clicking her heels together and repeating,"There's no place like home, there's no place like home?" I did it once, and nothing. The light appeared, the beep sounded, "Oil change needed!"   I called to the first guy, "Hey it didn't work!" He called to his supervisor who came over, and repeated the instructions. "Turn the key on, but don't start the car, QUICKLY, push the gas pedal to the floor three times." "Hmmm...... the quickly part wasn't part of the instructions before",  I muttered to myself. I followed the instructions and guess what? The light went off!

    Wow, how odd that for some 40 odd months we lived with the constant reminder that something must be wrong, and yet it wasn't.   It was a false warning easily fixed.  In my own life, working where I do, (inpatient drug treatment), I get worn down. I work with men who are used to getting what they want, when they want it by any means possible, up to and including violence. Having patience to listen to them complain, get angry, lie, and just plain pretend wears me out. I pray, I ask people to pray for me, but sometimes I just need a break.  I know this is true, because I have my own warning light, I start getting more annoyed with people, noticing what they are doing wrong, etc.

    Last week, after working with a particularly trying group several staff  decided to find my file mistakes in front of other staff. The first day it happened, well I found it annoying and humbling but I endured it good-naturedly. (Or so I thought). The fact that the staff member who pointed out my mistakes doesn't follow company policy on so many things just seemed a little ironic. I mentally "Oh welled" the irritation away.  I thanked him for pointing out my mistakes and fixed them. 

      The next day, another staff, this one, even less committed to company policy, decided they were going to find more of my mistakes in front of other staff. Well, apparently my warning light was on but I wasn't paying attention. I was not anywhere as gracious to the individual doing this as I was to the first person. And then..........yes those people who know me, know that at times there is definitely, a and then.  Something I'm not proud of and have been working with God on for some time....and then..... I went to the boss. I made my concerns very clear, I mentioned the Union contract, I mentioned the individuals non-policy behaviors, and I mentioned I was not being respected. I didn't swear, I didn't yell, but I was past the warning light stage. 

      It's a good thing I routinely get top marks for client completion rates.  That fact helps keep the contracts signed, and the money coming in. So, my boss responded with, "I'll make sure it doesn't happen again." Period.  Well, that took the wind out of my sails, and I responded, "Well, it's obvious I need a break, normally this wouldn't get to me." To which he responded, "Yep, you need your vacation."

    So this week, I'm on my vacation. Trying to relax, not thinking  about my clients or annoying staff, but just regrouping for the next challenges. In a spiritual sense, God gives us guidelines in the Bible for maintaining balance in our lives that include breaks in our routines. Jesus took his disciples away from the crowds at times to rest and seek peace. He took time to be away at the sea and mountain to seek His father in prayer, away from people including his disciples.  If Jesus needed breaks from people, I certainly shouldn't feel bad about needing breaks from my job. 

     So, here I am getting up a little later than the 5 am grind. Enjoying my coffee and continuing my reading of Luke, selected Psalms, and re-reading of Proverbs. I am surrounding myself with family and stealing moments to enjoy nature. No fancy-dancy break to Disney World, but a just a time away from the constant demands of people who by in large are never happy. Time for renewal, of heart, mind, soul, and vision.  I will use my time wisely, being aware that my spiritual tank is on empty, and the warning lights are on. I will take the time I need for the self-care necessary, I will not ignore my God-given warning lights.

    

     In your own life, if your warning light is on for your own depleted store of love, strength and endurance, take a time away.  We are a renewable resource, but it is only as we take the time to be with our Lord away from others,  that we get the renewed vision and strength for our journey. Hopefully, you have the ability to take time out of your routines to seek the source of love, power and strength and learn to rest in Him. 

May your today's be sprinkled with his grace, 

and your tomorrows be a realized,

 joy in the morning!

Day 96- Counting down.....

     Up before 4 am today. Woke up finally not feeling ill. Over the weekend I got sick and was in bed for 33 hours non-stop.  I wondering,  “Is this what it feels like to have cancer? “

         How much I take for granted my good health. I must remember each day to thank God for giving me health. Funny, I’ve lost my love of coffee through this illness. When I was younger, I always knew when I was pregnant because I didn’t want coffee, it made me kind of ill. Well, I’m certainly not pregnant now, but coffee just doesn’t seem all that great anymore.

         This am early, I’ve been going over my budget on an Excel spreadsheet, adding there, subtracting here trying to make things balance. Basically, right now, I’m working to just provide the basics, home, food, vehicle, car insurance, lights, water, garbage removal, union dues, dental insurance, payment on my divorce, (still after this long).  I’ve finally worked up enough courage to sell the van. The car lot I took it to before tried to gouge me for their profit. I didn’t like that at all, to say the least.

         But I will try again, I don’t know where else to go then there. I don’t feel comfortable showing the car to random people off the internet, or from the newspaper and then having them hand me cash, or a check.  I am female, 62, and aware of so much crime. That would be dumb.  I guess it’s part of being alone in the world. I guess I’m not the only “grass roots widow” in America that has to clean up a financial mess after a divorce. They learned to survive, I will too.

         This morning, I thanked God for having oranges. So lucky I am. I couldn’t help but think of all the children there are who would love to have a nice, sweet orange but don’t. I have been so blessed to always have enough food for my children and grandchildren.  Times have been lean sometimes but we always have had food to eat. Thank you God.

         Yesterday was chaotic at work, I can’t even discuss the chaos. I’ve asked God for an easier, less stressful job, but do not have any direct leading yet. Thankful I am, (Do I sound a little Yodi’ish there?) that the young woman I asked at work if I could carpool said yes.  The lady I usually ride with and whom I’ve been praying for got a better job and leaves in less then two weeks. God had compassion on her soul because between 12.5 hour days like me, she also cares to two invalid parents and has adult children who need her support. I’ve told her often, “I don’t think I could handle your life, it’s just too much.” So God, opened a door for her, close to home, doing more of what she wants to do. Thank you God.

         I wonder a little, “What about me God?” Well, I see it’s time for me to get ready for work and face whatever issues the treatment center has to offer today.

         ……five days later. I’m sitting in my van, it’s pitch dark and torrential rains are beating against the roof. I’m at the local library because I’m using their free wi-fi. My Saturday was busy, and for the last few hours I’ve been relaxing. Made dinner, sweet and sour pork over rice, watched TV, and just rested. Trying to plan a camping trip and the sound of the storm makes me think, really?  Don’t I remember the rains last year on the camping trip? Yes but, there were memories to last a lifetime.

         Need sweatshirts and warm clothes for cold-weather camping. My rain jacket at work will need to come home. God is good, and I continue to sense His presence. I  am thankful for the prayers of my church family. I am feeling stronger every day.

         I’m starting to get cold and am thinking of the big, soft recliner at home, my quilts, hot tea, a snack or two and the remote. Ahhh… the joy of weekends.

         Oh, lost another 2.6 pounds this week. That’s a total of 35 since last May.  Certainly not quick, but I’m down 4 pant sizes. Yikers!

         Well, tomorrow I have to play the piano for church and it’s little embarrassing, well actually, a whole lot embarrassing because I’m not very good. But, the regular pianist is on vacation. We have a missionary there also, but something is better than nothing, and it’s not about me anyway.

         Hope all of you that read this had an encouraging week. Mine was crazy with the ever changing drama that is inpatient treatment but look at it this way, I’m never bored.

         Brr…….. where’s are warmer days? On the way soon, the flowers are blooming and the trees are beginning to bloom also.

         Best to each of you and may the God of all comfort surround you with his love and care. Feeling blue? Get out your Bible and start rereading the Psalms.  So many comforting verses. Take care…. And keep looking up!

Day 95 - The Best Made Plans.....

Good morning, Day-light savings began this morning. I wanted to be on top of things and got up a 4 a.m. (now the daylight savings time 5). I made my coffee, oatmeal with apples and cinnamon and  tracked my food for Weight Watchers. I re-read some of my WW program materials and went to start a load of laundry.

Yikers! Loud, awful noise and burning smell coming from my almost new dryer. Like metal on metal. Sigh, move to plan B. Take clothes to laundry mat later today after church.

        Whether we like it or not, the fact of the matter is that much of life is moving to plan B, (even when you have all the best intentions in the world.) Accepting change doesn’t come easily. Most people enjoy having a routine of sorts. Knowing what to expect, and when to expect it. But, life is not like that. Things outside of our control happen all the time, it’s a given. Expect the unexpected should be taught to our children early on.

        Our one constant in this world of change, decay, disease, and disaster is God. Learning to believe that He is there, no matter what, no matter when is a continual, life-long process. The faith walk, is just that, a faith walk.

       This a.m., I read the 11^th chapter of Luke.  There is so much in this chapter I would have to read and re-read it many times to even begin to touch its depths. Today what stood out to me it that God compared Himself to a father who is asked by his child for bread. Jesus states it very simply, “Would that father give his child a stone?”  As a parent, I know that would be impossible for a loving parent to do. One of the joys of my life has been getting food for my children and grandchildren. To try to supply above and beyond what they needed. Could a loving God be less watchful about us?

“Ask and it will be given to you. Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened to you.” Luke 11: 9

        I will continue to keep on keeping on. I’m not mechanical (maniacal maybe? LOL), but I will drag the dryer away from the wall, make a place to try to unhook the back and try to see if I can see anything stuck in there. Right now, it sounds as if a chain saw chain is stuck in there.  If I can’t find something to remove I’ll have to get help putting it in my truck to take to a repair shop. This will involve either taking time off work, or finding a place open on a Saturday. The mechanic will then quote me a price to fix it. If it’s astronomical, well, it’s not getting fixed. If it’s not too bad, it’ll get fixed, end of story.

        I wish fixing broken hearts and lives were that easy.  Just look inside and find out what’s broken and fix it. Without Jesus, it’s impossible, with Jesus it’s possible but it takes time to heal and grow. The miracle of salvation is instantaneous. You ask Jesus to come into your life, forgive you of your sins and it’s a done deal.

        Acquiring wisdom and character, now that takes a little longer, (to say the least). There are a lot of different religious views of the ‘growing in grace’, ‘sanctification’ experience. Churches created rules, dogma’s, rituals, all about the process. Do this, do that, don’t do this, don’t do that. I believe structure is good yes, but when it comes to learning to be close to Jesus for me it’s a moment by moment walk. My earthly, (carnal) nature constantly wars against my new nature. To the degree I allow God to change me on the inside, I change. If I resist, or want my own way, well my family could tell you, it’s not a pretty picture.

        Asking, seeking, knocking and getting those requests answered is a truth, only if you are asking, seeking, knocking according to God’s will, that’s the stickler.  Learning about what is God’s will requires reading the Bible, praying and being in relationship with other people who are reading, praying and growing. Monastic (being alone) Christian devotion isn’t really the plan Jesus gave. He sent his disciples out to others to minister. He instructs us to be in community with others. This requires effort, work and involves painful at times, growing through relationship awkwardness. If you don’t believe that just ask somebody who stopped going to church why they stopped. It’s never about God, it’s always about, “Well those people….” However, Jesus created us, not just you, not just me, but us. We are to be His church. This is a tall order for sure. How does this happen?  One clue is the following verse:

         “Study to show yourself approved onto God, rightly dividing the word of truth.” 2 Timothy 2:15

        This verse tells me, I’m expected to do my part. That I need to apply myself to do the right thing, to find the right way. It doesn’t tell me it’s going to be easy, or automatic. I can’t fix myself, or my life, or the life of my client’s easily. Healing isn’t a case of “one size fits all.” 

            Healing, emotional, psychological and physical involves God and man working in tandem. Understanding what my role is requires I keep the lines of communication open between God and I. That I realize He has given me His Holy Spirit and it is only as I serve Him with all my heart, all my soul and all my mind that these lines remain clear, free of the distractions of self, self-will, and worldly interests and values. It also means I take the part about studying his Word seriously.  I can’t catch character anymore than I can catch being 62.

        Whoa! That makes fixing the dryer seem kind of simple in comparison.

        Well, I see it’s daylight now and realize I’ve got to be about getting ready for Sunday School and church. I’m so blessed to have a home right now, and food, and clothes and health. I will treasure these days and look back and realize God has faithfully seen me through.

       May your Sunday be a day of discovery. May all your moments be filled with the knowledge of His love. May your heartaches be eased, your trials and pains be lessened by knowing that this too shall pass. Someday, your night of weeping will end, and joy will come in the morning. Be blessed.

Day 94 - Waiting on Wisdom

Another weekend is upon me, wonder of wonders, and joy of joy. Now, still in the wee hours of the morning I am enjoying my morning coffee. Still reading the Gospels, this morning I read through the 10^th Chapter of Luke. I continue to believe that the more I take in Scripture, the more it will change my thoughts, person, emotions, and desires of my heart.

       I ended my morning devotionals by reading this passage from James. It is underlined and highlighted in my Bible, since there have been many, many times in my life when I needed to reaffirm that even though I might not know what the answers to problems in my life, I knew a God who did.  Here is that passage:

        “Count it all joy when you fall into various trials. Knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

        If any of you lacks wisdom let them ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach and it will be given to them.

        But let them ask in faith, without doubting. For  whoever doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that person think they will receive anything from the Lord. A double-minded person is unstable in all their ways.” James 1:2-8

        It is the prayer of my heart that God give me wisdom. If your life is anything like mine, there are so many choices, so many paths. As a child, I always felt I could “think” my way out of any situation. If a problem came up, if I just had enough time to “think” I could figure it out. I can see now that this is sort of an error.  Sometimes life hands us twists and turns that defy our logic.  We don’t know, or understand which way to turn.

        When we are in the middle of problems, sometimes, in fact, most often, the stress of the situation creates a degree of panic. We feel, “I’ve got to do something.  If I don’t it’s going to get worse!”  Much like the swimmer who starts to sink;  if you try to save them, they flail about and can make both people sink unless they give up and allow the rescuer to save them.

        Before God can step in to our lives, we have to give up the persistent belief that we can solve our problems alone. Well I’m there. I realize I’m kind of in a pickle and need God to step in and guide me through the maze. Some of the opportunities that look good, might be the wrong direction to take. I have to stop trying to figure things out and wait.

        I’ve mentioned before to you that when I was young,  I embroidered a picture of Elijah with his hand out waiting for the raven to feed him. I love that Old Testament story. The fact that when Elijah was weary, worn out and tired God took him to a brook and had the birds feed him until he was restored is a tender picture of God’s love and care. The picture, created some forty years ago is downstairs in my garage.  I think I’ll get it today and put it up where I can see it as a reminder of God’s care. I need that reminder now.

       This week was a little difficult for me. I was threatened by a client and it was kind of scary for me. I felt unsafe.  I don’t mind so much if I go home to heaven, but I hate to think of some of my family who might need me around for a while. Working with the population I do, it’s a given that on occasion threats of violence will occur. I lived through the week, lost a little sleep, had a few headaches, but I survived with God’s help. I feel a little like the cowardly lion in The Wizard of Oz, talking about courage but still visibly shaking.

       However,  God is good. Another old song I love includes the phrase,  “I am weak, but He is strong.” (Just a Closer Walk With Thee) I am weak, but with my hand in His, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4 :13

        I admit, I lack wisdom of how to resolve some issues in my life right now. I am asking God to supply that need for wisdom and direction. To guide with His outstretched arm, and strong right hand my steps, my path, my decisions. I believe He will. I just need to not panic, and start floundering thinking I’m going to drown in problems. God is there, His timing is perfect, my night of weeping will end, I will find joy in the morning I need to - wait.        

       Today, may your steps be guided by the light of His Word. May your heart be comforted by the depth of His love, and may your path be one that becomes clearer as you follow His will for your life. Be blessed.

       

       

        

Day 93, The rest of the story

     Eons ago it seems I worked for Washington State Highway Department. I was a field office assistant and I answered phones, did some paperwork, and attempted to be useful. In that office were engineers who drafted plans for bridges, by-passes, etc. They spent long hours over their drafting boards. Around lunch time, they had a kind of religious moment where they listened to a daily radio program.

       You couldn’t interrupt this; they didn’t want phone calls, they hung on every word. To me, then a young person, it just seemed weird. It was this radio personality, Paul Harvey,  who commented on the present state of things with some caustic, sometimes humorous remarks.  The tag line for the story, was, “the rest of the story….”

       In my life right now, things have slowed down. I have found the “lull” and that lull consists of being given a measure of faith and grace. I believe, God will help me. I believe, things will work out, no matter what. The job isn’t all that different, my finances are pretty much the same, but a peace has come mixed with faith. There was a famous song  He Giveth More Grace, and part of it went, 

He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,

He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,

To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.

     I can still hear George Beverly Shea singing that song with his rich, resonant bass voice.

     It’s sort of like when you go for a bicycle ride.  Maybe there’s a hill or two and you have to pedal hard and your legs ache with the effort. You become somewhat winded, start to sweat and keep on pushing. Then, wonder of wonders, the hill you’ve been climbing ends, and ahead stretches a long, gentle slope. You can take your feet off the pedals and coast, enjoying the breeze brushing past your ears and just giving your sore limbs a needed break.

    For me, right now, I feel like that.  It’s as if I’m coasting along after a very long hill. Today, we went to  church and then home. It was a beautiful, sunny, spring day. Outside my windows, my roses have fresh green leaves growing on their stems, now awake after a long winters nap. My cherry trees have buds, waiting for a few more warm, sunny days to burst into blossoms of rich color.

       The lawn was mowed for the first time since last fall. The new-mown grass smell, a rich, familiar scent.  I cleaned house, and treasured my Sunday. I finally got out my paints and painted a picture I call “spring”. It was one of those wonderful days where I felt all the energy in the world and was able to wash, dry and folds over a dozen loads of clothes. They got folded and put away too, which for me is huge.

       Sunday afternoon, turned into early evening and a short drive to church was a refreshing break. Tonight a little different, a “Singspiration.” When I was young about once a month we would have an evening song service where we’d sing favorite hymns, share testimonies and just enjoy the music. Tonight was one of those nights.

       Now, night upon me, the sky is dark with bright white stars spread across the horizon.

       Tomorrow, well, it will come with it’s own challenges, it’s own share of must do’s, have to’s and want to’s. This weekend has been a blessing filled with grandchildren, and family, and home and church. Could I ask for anything more than that?        No, I really couldn’t. 

      My hopes are that you reading this will have found your own “lulls” after the storms in your own life. If not, take heart, God hears and answers prayers, maybe tomorrow your night of weeping will end and your joy will come in the morning. Be happy, be blessed.