The Root of Bitterness

          Another clear blue-skied sunny day. I noticed this morning that dawn came a little later, already the seasons are changing. Yesterday, on my trip, the ocean was an unusual shade of turquoise blue.

 The clean sands were hot beneath my feet. Walking to the water from the Peter Iredale approach I decided the winds were a little too much so I packed and moved to a different spot. Driving a mile or so North,  I spent several hours along the shore of the bay banking the mouth of the Columbia River. It is on the backside of the ocean jetty and is shielded from the ocean winds. The waters there were clear, clean, warm and I waded with my dog. It was fun watching him swim, furiously paddling away. I also just sat, basking in the sun and enjoying the beauty of the water, sky and beach.It was truly a day from heaven and I savored the moments.

          Earlier in the day, I’d given that dog a summer haircut and bath. I have two dogs but usually only take one when I go hiking. Today was Reutgers turn. The other dog, Kelsey, a tenacious pug-mix, heard us as I fired up the truck and actually cried in the back yard, she wanted to go too!  But, the two of them together spell a nightmare of tangled leases I prefer not to tackle. Reutger, sporting his new haircut, doggy smiled at me from his seat on the truck, the air conditioning delighting him in its coolness as we traveled along.

          Finally home, I settled in catching an episode of In Touch, with Charles Stanley. I truly enjoy watching his program since I believe his teachings are sound, practical and useful.    This morning, something is tagging along with yesterday’s thought. The chapter I read yesterday in Matthew highlighted forgiveness as key to keeping our hearts in tune with God. Having had a lot of time yesterday to think, I realized forgiveness is only half of the issue, the other half is giving up the bitterness. What is bitterness? For me, it is the remembering of all I might have done for a person, and the injustice of how they treated me. It is the sum total of the expectations of what another should do as a requirement of their position, or responsibility, or professed character along with the disappointment of them letting me down. It is an unrelenting poison that colors each moment with sadness and regret. Hebrews 12:15 warns us, “Letting no root of bitterness spring up that can choke the word.”

 Years past, when I gardened, I loved to watch the seeds come up. How eager I was to see the corn, green slim stems, parting the rich, dark soil. The carrots, lacy green shoots, dancing from the ground. What surprised me, even shocked me what the thousands and thousands of unplanted plants that appeared like magic, carpeting the rows of vegetables. “Where on earth did they come from?” I hadn’t planted any of those. Weeding took forever, and it was a constant battle, me against them. If grass came up I had to dig and dig to get it out or it would send its roots down and choke my plants. I understand roots for sure, leave a piece and before you know it, there it springs up again.

          Bitterness it like that, wound around your heart, spirit and memories invading the present with the past in a kind of evil, menacing shroud. Bitterness never inspires you to achieve something great, it never encourages you to mend broken relationships; it never breaks down walls of separation. It instead, builds up resentments, creates walls of hurt and keeps people away from each other and in broken relationship with God, the author of love, peace and forgiveness.

          How do you get rid of bitterness? Ah, now that’s a million dollar question. For me, this is an area I struggle with. I pray, I read my Bible, yet often, the things people have done or said to me, wound my spirit and heart and its so, so hard to get over things. I loved the movie, Finding Nemo. Part of that movie is depicted in a Disney World ride. The song, “Just keep swimming,” sort of typifies my life. I just keep trying, and when I’m ready to give up, I just keep praying. Because of my make-up, (musical, artistic etc), I feel things deeply. The good side is, I care about a lot of things and people. The bad side is, I care about a lot of things and people.

          I believe God has gifted each of us for a reason, for a purpose. Finding those giftings, learning to accept the concomitant pitfalls your personality type might be subject to is all part of the journey. For me, I’m ready to get out of the sea of despondency. In treatment, we call that, accepting change and moving on. In faith I’m going to realize for whatever reasons, the people in my life I've invested the most time in are not going to be in my life now. They need their time to sort things out. I need to trust that God still holds them in His hand and will continue to work in their lives. I have to let go; of them, of the bitterness, of the resentments, of the forgiveness. And, I have to move on, admittedly at 64 a lot more slowly than before, but still moving on.

          And so, the sun beckons me, the day is before me. Not knowing what will be I am ready to face the day. God is good, I am oh so blessed and am learning to wait, to have patience is a lesson I’m learning now.

           

He Walks Beside Me

Then the master of the servant was moved with compassion, 

released him and forgave him the debt.

Matthew 18:26

Another beautiful summer day, blue skies, golden sun painting the trees with bright yellow lights. I love morning, especially those days I have the whole day before me, stretched out with possibilities. Today is one of those days. I started my day with two things, coffee and Bible reading.

 Today, I read chapter 18 in the Gospel of Matthew. There is so much in this chapter, I cannot hope to grasp everything. Before I read I prayed, “God help me to understand what is written here. By your Holy Spirit give me insight.” I must confess my own mind is a muddle of things to do, errands to run, chores, memories, it goes on and on. The verse, “Be still and know I am God,” is one of those verses that isn’t all that easy for me to do. My mind is often my own worst enemy.

But in spite of my limitations I keep reading the Bible knowing that I am washing my mind and heart with truth. I am excited to begin my day because today I will go to the ocean, but I know from experience if I don’t start my day with my devotions things will not go well. It is not because of fear I want to pray and read my Bible it is because of knowing without God, my life is chaos. He is the anchor of my soul, my calm in the storms of life.

Yesterday, I watched an old Billy Graham crusade on television. It was the 1992 crusade held in Portland, Oregon. His message was simple, it was direct, it was about the opportunity to come to Jesus Christ, ask Him to forgive you of your sins, and be welcomed into the family of God. I watched as hundreds, perhaps thousands of people went down front to ask Jesus into their hearts, to have a new beginning, a new life. I liked the brief story that Billy told prior to the invitation to accept Jesus as  Savior.

A man sat in prison after committing many crimes and serving a lengthy sentence. He had betrayed his wife, his family, his community. He wrote a simple direct letter to his wife and family, “Honey, I realize how I’ve betrayed you and the family. My crimes were horrible, unforgiveable. If you never want to see me, I’ll understand. I’m being released soon. I will be on a bus coming through our home town. If the family can forgive me, and wants to see me, tie a yellow ribbon on the big tree in the front yard. I will be able to see it from the bus. If you just want me out of your life, and I see no yellow ribbon, I’ll stay on the bus and go somewhere else. I’ll understand. What I did was unforgivable.”

The man was released from prison and boarded the bus that would go through his home town. A few stops down the road a bunch of college students got on the bus. After a few miles they started a conversation with the man and he told them about his journey. The students, eager to see what would happen watched around each turn and bend of the road as they neared the man’s hometown. The man, burdened with shame, remorse and guilt could barely look out the window.

As the bus crested the road coming into town the students shouted, “Look!” Tied to every streetpost, every tree were dozens of yellow ribbons.

The man, eyes filled with tears, got off the bus and was reunited with his family. He was going home.

         Billy Graham used that illustration to explain to people what it’s like to accept Jesus as your Savior. He doesn't lambaste you for your mistakes. He doesn't berate you for your failings, He welcomes you home as part of His family. He paid the debt for your sins on the cross. You are free.

         In my reading today, the part of the chapter that most stood out to me was the story of the master, or boss who forgave one of his employees a debt he owed, (which was substantial.) Unfortunately that wasn't the end of the story. The man, forgiven, went out and found someone who owed him a little money and caught him by the throat demanding he pay up or else. The other employees of the boss saw what this person did and told on him. The boss, enraged, pulled the guy back into his office and told him, “Look I forgave you all that you owed and you go out and threaten someone for a few dollars! What’s wrong with you? Now I am going to hold you responsible until you pay!”

         Jesus summarizes that story with this statement; “If God has forgiven you so much, who are you to not forgive others who hurt you? You must forgive others from your hearts.” (paraphrased).

         For me, this hits home. Forgiveness is a virtue that is not easily part of my vocabulary of life.

My Prayer

“Dear Jesus,

Please help me learn to forgive others. I know I've done many wrong things in my life that you've forgiven me of. Jesus make me willing to release others, even if they aren't sorry. Thank you for forgiving me, giving me freedom from guilt, peace, and a future hope.”

Amen

To those of you reading this also struggling with an unforgiving attitude, take hope. God hears and answers prayers. May your day be blessed.

Wondering what the future holds for me.

Wondering what the future holds for me. The world; news stories of airplane crashes, wars, rumors of war. My world; learning to live alone after 43 years of raising children. This week, I had a chance to spend the day in Seattle. Driving up from Longview the sun greeted me around every bend; smooth roads, great car, awesome radio. Me and the road. Long ago, and a world away I remember reading Jack Kerouac’s, On the Road.  It was a time of political unrest, a ‘down with the man’, ‘make love not war’, say goodbye to materialism and embracing self, self-expression and doing ‘one’s own thing.’

            Five decades from that moment, I’m poised on the edge of retirement, looking down the hallways of growing older and downsizing. Not sure what, “doing my own thing;” is going to look like at 64. Today, was a quiet day. Moving plants on the back deck; basking in the hot sun, drinking a cold diet soda. Later, trip to the store buying what I needed to feed myself and the pets for the week ahead.

            As always, I started my day reading the Bible. I continue to pray that God will give me understanding. So much of what I read seems so far beyond any kind of commitment I will ever be able to fulfill. I read, I pray and I keep going. For today, I am healthy; I have a home and three days to rest before the onslaught of work.

            Briefly, in the early morning burst of energy I almost always feel at the break of a new day I think about starting my own business. The thoughts evaporate much like the low lying clouds that burn off quickly with the heat of the sun. Gone perhaps forever are my own days, of massive projects, and often mislaid plans. “My life has been a tapestry…..” runs tantalizingly through my mind and I realize I need a plan.

            But, I’ve lost my vision. I eat, sleep, work, try to help people, eat sleep work. And so it goes. Not having any long-range goals, tomorrow I will slip away to the ocean, perhaps to hike the lake there, to hunt for treasures along the ocean beaches. Maybe, I’ll explore a few new places; or comfort myself with the familiar. I don’t know. I do know this morning reading about Jesus on earth He often went to the mountains or the seashore. Often alone.

                        After working all day Tuesday at our Seattle office I drove past the freeway traffic jam down the old West Valley Hwy in Auburn, Washington where I grew up. It was odd, a few old houses, farms tucked away here and there that urban sprawl hasn’t eaten up. My childhood home still there, now with lots of roses planted near the highway. “Mom,” I speak into the air, “You’d be happy to see all the roses.” Mom loved roses, and she loved her home. Each year, we’d plant so many beautiful flowers. I can’t see a petunia or a fuchsia and not think of mom.

            My day was long Tuesday, 15 hours. I take my dinner hour and take a three block detour off West Valley to the cemetery where my mom and dad are buried. I haven’t been there since my mom’s funeral three years ago. I have not yet seen her name etched in the stone beside my fathers. I park and realize I am lost amid hundreds of graves, oddly enough Robin after Robin sitting perched on various stones. Alone, yet surrounded by my namesake. I called a daughter and she knew where the grave site was, told me which sign to look for and approximately how far down the row.

            Found my parents graves, side by side, resting after a long life of family, and children, and life’s challenges. I remember my father talking about their graves, that they would be able to see the Mountain, (Mt. Rainier). I touch their gravestone and choke back the tears, “Hi mom, I’m here.” I notice the engraved Bible on the headstone and think, “how fitting. Mom loved her Bible.” She would be happy to know I love mine too.  I miss them both so much, wish I could go back and visit with them once more. Death is so final. I spend a few quiet moments with them and then make my way home. I have several hours drive ahead of me and I’m growing tired.

            There are no easy answers, sometimes things work out easily, sometimes not. I just keep claiming promises from my Bible, and I continue to pray. One verse I like is, “Even to your gray hairs will I carry you.” Well, that’s here, I’m all gray, and alone in the world. Let’s see how God will lead me through this particular phase of my life. It is a journey for which I need strength, direction and courage. This can be kind of a scary world and occasionally I worry a little.  I rebuke the fear, God is not the author of fear.

            To those of you going through your own valleys, get out your Bible’s and pray. Step by step you will make it through. Be willing to listen and be willing to change. I’ll share with you how well I’m able to do that, hopefully it won’t be a really difficult road.

            Take care, and keep looking up! God hears and answers prayer. There will be joy in the morning.

           

            

Keep praying

        A  lot has happened to me in the last month or so. I've discovered that, as a mother and grandmother much of my life has revolved around the children. It probably sounds like a nobrainer. Who doesn't know that most moms and grandmothers have their hearts tied up in their children?  

   A little less known subject is what happens when those children, those grandchildren aren't part of that mother's life? For me, after spending 43 years investing my time, love, money and resources into children it feels awful. I kind of pray all the time, (inside, silently, where it doesn't show). I sigh a lot, and discover huge amounts of time that all of a sudden, I have to myself and my own devices. It wasn't a gradual pulling away, it was several brutal abrupt rippings and tearings of the fabric of my life. I'm not much of a  crying type and for the most part I've been dry eyed.  Inside though, where no one can see, the tears flow ceaselessly.

   After making dinners for all those years, (43) it feels weird to be hungry and not want to cook; to grab a chicken pot pie, or a can a chili and sit in front of the TV, me and HGTV.

   This morning, early devotions, I finished reading through the Old Testament. It was an end of a journey taking me several months or more, of a chapter or two a day. I must confess, I didn't begin to understand everything I read. Here and there different things would stand out to me. A verse here, a passage there. It was a journey. Ahead, the  New Testament and reading through, a chapter at a time, a daily walk.

   I believe the most significant truth I brought away from the Old Testament is that God cares, and He has a tender heart to those who are alone. right now, walking through this land of broken-heartedness, that knowledge keeps me from despair. A wave of sadness may come, but I find myself praying inside and realize this is just for a moment. It will pass. A dawn will come when the sense of sadness will be gone; the memories will remain but without the searing pain.

   So in the meantime, I keep moving forward. Kind of like a boxer, I bob and weave avoiding more conflict; trying not to be drawn into to any more chaos. I guess you could say, I've reached my limit. God's love is everlasting, and deeper than the sea, but my love ends short of the place when my life is threatened to be impacted by ongoing pain. 

   Today, beautiful, sunny, warm, I stayed home, cleaning, painting a bathroom, watering my flowers, simple acts, devoid of any drama. Just me recreating a fabric for my life now; and oh yes, the inward, continual praying.

  Now, tired, my energies played out with domestic chores, I enjoy the breeze dancing in the outside sunlit leaves. Dinner, a can of chili is easy quick and I enjoy the comfort of the large, comfortable recliner. And I continue to pray. 

   I do not know what the future holds; these last few weeks have been difficult for me. Woodenly going through the paces of my life. I pray when I get up, I pray on the way to work, once at work, I notice I am quieter. I have less to say,

                          and I continue to 

                               keep praying.

"May the God of all comfort give you joy and peace in believing."  

  Robin

Through the shadowlands............

  

   We live in a culture of instant 'everythings'. Instant breakfasts; instant emails; instant texts; web sites that match you to someone without the whole, getting to know them over time practice.

      Unfortunately, not everything in life is amenable to this mentality. Lots of things take time, sometimes lots of time. For many people, (myself included) this can be frustrating. I want things done, out of the way, completed, finished, over. I don't like waiting. I don't enjoy watching and waiting. I enjoy suffering and waiting even less.
 

     But, in matters of the heart; in matters of the spirit somethings take time, lots of it.
 

     Recently, I experienced a heartbreak of some magnitude. A family member began making very bad choices. The shock, disappointment and heartbreak has impacted me a great deal. I have invested many years into raising that family member and the hopes and dreams for their life have come crashing down in the midst of their rebellion against God, family and societal rules.
 

     Initially, other family members came to offer their condolences and to check on me. I assured them, 1) I wasn't going to kill myself over this; 2) I don't drink or use drugs and 3) It's going to take me some time to get over this very real heartache.
 

     I took some time off work initially, and I  am taking more time off this week and; praying, reading my Bible and waiting for the ache to go away. It feels like the person has died in a way and memories come and go and flood me again with a sense of sadness that they have not chosen a good path. I read in Isaiah where it says, "I have come to heal the broken-hearted; to given the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; to give the oil of joy for the spirit of mourning." Isaiah 61:1, Psalm 147:3 I am waiting for that to happen to me.
 

     It's been about a month since I got the news and I am still struggling. Well meaning loved ones say, "Go get counseling." Like that's some kind of panacea to heal broken hearts. For me, paying someone to listen to how disappointed I am; how worried I am about this young person; how hurt I am isn't going to help me. It isn't going to change the situation. Sometimes you have to just go through things. I sense that it's annoying to my loved ones that I don't put on a cheerful face; dust myself off and continue on but right now, I can't.
 

     I'm continuing but it's slow, it's painful and it's a journey. I'm not sure why God just doesn't reach down and wipe away my tears, set me on my way and erase the heartache. I believe He could, but He hasn't and I continue to have my days clouded as if it were, by sadness. I live and work in an environment that is permeated with sadness; staff with personal crisis; clients with unlimited sadness of past and present. The Bible says, "Jesus learned obedience by the things that he suffered." Hebrews 5:8.    I'm not sure about this for me, at this point in my life I'm not exactly a rule-breaker anymore. I'm not sure what I'm learning, right now I'm just hurting.
 

    It helps me a little, perhaps to realize that many, many people are carrying  a broken heart behind the smiles they wear. Maybe, (hopefully)  going through this will make me more compassionate. Maybe (hopefully) it will make me a better person. Right now, in the middle of the painfulness of the whole situation I'm just trying to keep going. Keep my routine. Make coffee, get up, read my Bible/devotionals, go to work, try to help people, pay the bills, feed the pets. If I could run away, I would. Pack up, leave, fly off to a different town, a different life. But, I can't leave. I am stuck here muddling my way through waiting for the pain to stop.
 

     

    There are many things I have to be thankful for; good health; a home; some supportive family members; food; hot water; electricity; I can still see; I have my Bible; I have a job; the list goes on and on. I try to remember to count my blessings. For many, millions, they go through heart-break without all these blessings.
 

    Today, I will do something. I will pray first and then choose. I can go camping; I can clean house; I can drive to the ocean; I can drive to the mountains; I have many options.  In the past being in nature has helped me a great deal. Recently however, it seems that no matter how spectacular the natural setting may be;  brilliant blue lakes, majestic mountains trails; everything seems somehow flat.
 

     I've attempted to think back on my own life and realize that I had a good home to grow up in. Every possible advantage and yet, I rebelled as a teenager and ran away to the San Francisco area with a way less than suitable boyfriend. Why is it that I can look back and see those bad choices; forgive myself but yet still be so devastated when a child I've raised makes very similar choices? Perhaps it's because I tried very hard to surround this child with love; opportunities in abundance and in spite of all this,  he chose to make bad choices.
 

     My own parents, finally forgave me for the series of stupid choices I made. They were still disappointed, angry, hurt but they tried to love me in the middle of my messes.  (which unfortunately involved a rather long,  prolonged adolescence of making poor choice, after poor choice, after poor choice.)
 

     I don't know, I certainly don't have all the answers. But here I sit, in a comfortable chair, looking out a huge picture window at pink roses, expanses of sky and trees. How fortunate I am at this moment to not have to struggle with having food and shelter; or good health. I must remember to count my blessings and not sink into self pity.
 

     I will try to find a patch of sun today; to soak in the warmth and hope that more of the ache goes away. I need a renewal of purpose and vision for my life. After 43 years of raising children I am in an empty nest wondering what comes next. I'm not ready to take up knitting, quilting's not my thing - does God have some sort of plan of how to spend my days?

     God, teach me to number my days so I can apply my heart unto wisdom. Psalm 90:12

     At work this week, a grant writer began talking to me about a grant he is working on in Southeast Portland to get help for pregnant teenagers. The grant they are applying for would give the pregnant girls a residential home, a place of support to live while they are pregnant. I was excited about his efforts; truly that would be a worthwhile project. Is is my project? No, not now. Does God have projects, people left for me to help? I don't know. Right now, I'm trying to heal.
 

     Ah, the sun is coming out, I will pray a little more and than choose a pathway for today.

   

To those of you reading this today- may God grant you the comfort of His prescence and the warmth of His love.