The clean sands were hot beneath my feet.
Walking to the water from the Peter Iredale approach I decided the winds were a
little too much so I packed and moved to a different spot. Driving a mile or so
North, I spent several hours along the
shore of the bay banking the mouth of the Columbia River. It is on the backside
of the ocean jetty and is shielded from the ocean winds. The waters there were
clear, clean, warm and I waded with my dog. It was fun watching him swim,
furiously paddling away. I also just sat, basking in the sun and enjoying the
beauty of the water, sky and beach.It was truly a day from heaven and I savored
the moments.
Earlier
in the day, I’d given that dog a summer haircut and bath. I have two dogs but
usually only take one when I go hiking. Today was Reutgers turn. The other dog,
Kelsey, a tenacious pug-mix, heard us as I fired up the truck and actually
cried in the back yard, she wanted to go too!
But, the two of them together spell a nightmare of tangled leases I
prefer not to tackle. Reutger, sporting his new haircut, doggy smiled at me
from his seat on the truck, the air conditioning delighting him in its coolness
as we traveled along.
Finally
home, I settled in catching an episode of In Touch, with Charles Stanley. I
truly enjoy watching his program since I believe his teachings are sound,
practical and useful. This
morning, something is tagging along with yesterday’s thought. The chapter I
read yesterday in Matthew highlighted forgiveness as key to keeping our hearts
in tune with God. Having had a lot of time yesterday to think, I realized
forgiveness is only half of the issue, the other half is giving up the
bitterness. What is bitterness? For me, it is the remembering of all I might
have done for a person, and the injustice of how they treated me. It is the sum
total of the expectations of what another should do as a requirement of their
position, or responsibility, or professed character along with the
disappointment of them letting me down. It is an unrelenting poison that colors
each moment with sadness and regret. Hebrews 12:15 warns us, “Letting no root
of bitterness spring up that can choke the word.”
Years past, when I gardened, I loved to watch
the seeds come up. How eager I was to see the corn, green slim stems, parting
the rich, dark soil. The carrots, lacy green shoots, dancing from the ground.
What surprised me, even shocked me what the thousands and thousands of
unplanted plants that appeared like magic, carpeting the rows of vegetables. “Where
on earth did they come from?” I hadn’t planted any of those. Weeding took
forever, and it was a constant battle, me against them. If grass came up I had
to dig and dig to get it out or it would send its roots down and choke my
plants. I understand roots for sure, leave a piece and before you know it,
there it springs up again.
Bitterness
it like that, wound around your heart, spirit and memories invading the present
with the past in a kind of evil, menacing shroud. Bitterness never inspires you
to achieve something great, it never encourages you to mend broken
relationships; it never breaks down walls of separation. It instead, builds up
resentments, creates walls of hurt and keeps people away from each other and in
broken relationship with God, the author of love, peace and forgiveness.
How
do you get rid of bitterness? Ah, now that’s a million dollar question. For me,
this is an area I struggle with. I pray, I read my Bible, yet often, the things
people have done or said to me, wound my spirit and heart and its so, so hard
to get over things. I loved the movie, Finding Nemo. Part of that movie is
depicted in a Disney World ride. The song, “Just keep swimming,” sort of
typifies my life. I just keep trying, and when I’m ready to give up, I just
keep praying. Because of my make-up, (musical, artistic etc), I feel things
deeply. The good side is, I care about a lot of things and people. The bad side
is, I care about a lot of things and people.
I
believe God has gifted each of us for a reason, for a purpose. Finding those giftings, learning to accept the concomitant pitfalls your personality type
might be subject to is all part of the journey. For me, I’m ready to get out of
the sea of despondency. In treatment, we call that, accepting change and moving
on. In faith I’m going to realize for whatever reasons, the people in my life I've invested the most time in are not going to be in my life now. They need their
time to sort things out. I need to trust that God still holds them in His hand
and will continue to work in their lives. I have to let go; of them, of the
bitterness, of the resentments, of the forgiveness. And, I have to move on,
admittedly at 64 a lot more slowly than before, but still moving on.
And
so, the sun beckons me, the day is before me. Not knowing what will be I am
ready to face the day. God is good, I am oh so blessed and am learning to wait,
to have patience is a lesson I’m learning now.