Through the shadowlands............

  

   We live in a culture of instant 'everythings'. Instant breakfasts; instant emails; instant texts; web sites that match you to someone without the whole, getting to know them over time practice.

      Unfortunately, not everything in life is amenable to this mentality. Lots of things take time, sometimes lots of time. For many people, (myself included) this can be frustrating. I want things done, out of the way, completed, finished, over. I don't like waiting. I don't enjoy watching and waiting. I enjoy suffering and waiting even less.
 

     But, in matters of the heart; in matters of the spirit somethings take time, lots of it.
 

     Recently, I experienced a heartbreak of some magnitude. A family member began making very bad choices. The shock, disappointment and heartbreak has impacted me a great deal. I have invested many years into raising that family member and the hopes and dreams for their life have come crashing down in the midst of their rebellion against God, family and societal rules.
 

     Initially, other family members came to offer their condolences and to check on me. I assured them, 1) I wasn't going to kill myself over this; 2) I don't drink or use drugs and 3) It's going to take me some time to get over this very real heartache.
 

     I took some time off work initially, and I  am taking more time off this week and; praying, reading my Bible and waiting for the ache to go away. It feels like the person has died in a way and memories come and go and flood me again with a sense of sadness that they have not chosen a good path. I read in Isaiah where it says, "I have come to heal the broken-hearted; to given the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; to give the oil of joy for the spirit of mourning." Isaiah 61:1, Psalm 147:3 I am waiting for that to happen to me.
 

     It's been about a month since I got the news and I am still struggling. Well meaning loved ones say, "Go get counseling." Like that's some kind of panacea to heal broken hearts. For me, paying someone to listen to how disappointed I am; how worried I am about this young person; how hurt I am isn't going to help me. It isn't going to change the situation. Sometimes you have to just go through things. I sense that it's annoying to my loved ones that I don't put on a cheerful face; dust myself off and continue on but right now, I can't.
 

     I'm continuing but it's slow, it's painful and it's a journey. I'm not sure why God just doesn't reach down and wipe away my tears, set me on my way and erase the heartache. I believe He could, but He hasn't and I continue to have my days clouded as if it were, by sadness. I live and work in an environment that is permeated with sadness; staff with personal crisis; clients with unlimited sadness of past and present. The Bible says, "Jesus learned obedience by the things that he suffered." Hebrews 5:8.    I'm not sure about this for me, at this point in my life I'm not exactly a rule-breaker anymore. I'm not sure what I'm learning, right now I'm just hurting.
 

    It helps me a little, perhaps to realize that many, many people are carrying  a broken heart behind the smiles they wear. Maybe, (hopefully)  going through this will make me more compassionate. Maybe (hopefully) it will make me a better person. Right now, in the middle of the painfulness of the whole situation I'm just trying to keep going. Keep my routine. Make coffee, get up, read my Bible/devotionals, go to work, try to help people, pay the bills, feed the pets. If I could run away, I would. Pack up, leave, fly off to a different town, a different life. But, I can't leave. I am stuck here muddling my way through waiting for the pain to stop.
 

     

    There are many things I have to be thankful for; good health; a home; some supportive family members; food; hot water; electricity; I can still see; I have my Bible; I have a job; the list goes on and on. I try to remember to count my blessings. For many, millions, they go through heart-break without all these blessings.
 

    Today, I will do something. I will pray first and then choose. I can go camping; I can clean house; I can drive to the ocean; I can drive to the mountains; I have many options.  In the past being in nature has helped me a great deal. Recently however, it seems that no matter how spectacular the natural setting may be;  brilliant blue lakes, majestic mountains trails; everything seems somehow flat.
 

     I've attempted to think back on my own life and realize that I had a good home to grow up in. Every possible advantage and yet, I rebelled as a teenager and ran away to the San Francisco area with a way less than suitable boyfriend. Why is it that I can look back and see those bad choices; forgive myself but yet still be so devastated when a child I've raised makes very similar choices? Perhaps it's because I tried very hard to surround this child with love; opportunities in abundance and in spite of all this,  he chose to make bad choices.
 

     My own parents, finally forgave me for the series of stupid choices I made. They were still disappointed, angry, hurt but they tried to love me in the middle of my messes.  (which unfortunately involved a rather long,  prolonged adolescence of making poor choice, after poor choice, after poor choice.)
 

     I don't know, I certainly don't have all the answers. But here I sit, in a comfortable chair, looking out a huge picture window at pink roses, expanses of sky and trees. How fortunate I am at this moment to not have to struggle with having food and shelter; or good health. I must remember to count my blessings and not sink into self pity.
 

     I will try to find a patch of sun today; to soak in the warmth and hope that more of the ache goes away. I need a renewal of purpose and vision for my life. After 43 years of raising children I am in an empty nest wondering what comes next. I'm not ready to take up knitting, quilting's not my thing - does God have some sort of plan of how to spend my days?

     God, teach me to number my days so I can apply my heart unto wisdom. Psalm 90:12

     At work this week, a grant writer began talking to me about a grant he is working on in Southeast Portland to get help for pregnant teenagers. The grant they are applying for would give the pregnant girls a residential home, a place of support to live while they are pregnant. I was excited about his efforts; truly that would be a worthwhile project. Is is my project? No, not now. Does God have projects, people left for me to help? I don't know. Right now, I'm trying to heal.
 

     Ah, the sun is coming out, I will pray a little more and than choose a pathway for today.

   

To those of you reading this today- may God grant you the comfort of His prescence and the warmth of His love.