Wondering what the future holds for me.

Wondering what the future holds for me. The world; news stories of airplane crashes, wars, rumors of war. My world; learning to live alone after 43 years of raising children. This week, I had a chance to spend the day in Seattle. Driving up from Longview the sun greeted me around every bend; smooth roads, great car, awesome radio. Me and the road. Long ago, and a world away I remember reading Jack Kerouac’s, On the Road.  It was a time of political unrest, a ‘down with the man’, ‘make love not war’, say goodbye to materialism and embracing self, self-expression and doing ‘one’s own thing.’

            Five decades from that moment, I’m poised on the edge of retirement, looking down the hallways of growing older and downsizing. Not sure what, “doing my own thing;” is going to look like at 64. Today, was a quiet day. Moving plants on the back deck; basking in the hot sun, drinking a cold diet soda. Later, trip to the store buying what I needed to feed myself and the pets for the week ahead.

            As always, I started my day reading the Bible. I continue to pray that God will give me understanding. So much of what I read seems so far beyond any kind of commitment I will ever be able to fulfill. I read, I pray and I keep going. For today, I am healthy; I have a home and three days to rest before the onslaught of work.

            Briefly, in the early morning burst of energy I almost always feel at the break of a new day I think about starting my own business. The thoughts evaporate much like the low lying clouds that burn off quickly with the heat of the sun. Gone perhaps forever are my own days, of massive projects, and often mislaid plans. “My life has been a tapestry…..” runs tantalizingly through my mind and I realize I need a plan.

            But, I’ve lost my vision. I eat, sleep, work, try to help people, eat sleep work. And so it goes. Not having any long-range goals, tomorrow I will slip away to the ocean, perhaps to hike the lake there, to hunt for treasures along the ocean beaches. Maybe, I’ll explore a few new places; or comfort myself with the familiar. I don’t know. I do know this morning reading about Jesus on earth He often went to the mountains or the seashore. Often alone.

                        After working all day Tuesday at our Seattle office I drove past the freeway traffic jam down the old West Valley Hwy in Auburn, Washington where I grew up. It was odd, a few old houses, farms tucked away here and there that urban sprawl hasn’t eaten up. My childhood home still there, now with lots of roses planted near the highway. “Mom,” I speak into the air, “You’d be happy to see all the roses.” Mom loved roses, and she loved her home. Each year, we’d plant so many beautiful flowers. I can’t see a petunia or a fuchsia and not think of mom.

            My day was long Tuesday, 15 hours. I take my dinner hour and take a three block detour off West Valley to the cemetery where my mom and dad are buried. I haven’t been there since my mom’s funeral three years ago. I have not yet seen her name etched in the stone beside my fathers. I park and realize I am lost amid hundreds of graves, oddly enough Robin after Robin sitting perched on various stones. Alone, yet surrounded by my namesake. I called a daughter and she knew where the grave site was, told me which sign to look for and approximately how far down the row.

            Found my parents graves, side by side, resting after a long life of family, and children, and life’s challenges. I remember my father talking about their graves, that they would be able to see the Mountain, (Mt. Rainier). I touch their gravestone and choke back the tears, “Hi mom, I’m here.” I notice the engraved Bible on the headstone and think, “how fitting. Mom loved her Bible.” She would be happy to know I love mine too.  I miss them both so much, wish I could go back and visit with them once more. Death is so final. I spend a few quiet moments with them and then make my way home. I have several hours drive ahead of me and I’m growing tired.

            There are no easy answers, sometimes things work out easily, sometimes not. I just keep claiming promises from my Bible, and I continue to pray. One verse I like is, “Even to your gray hairs will I carry you.” Well, that’s here, I’m all gray, and alone in the world. Let’s see how God will lead me through this particular phase of my life. It is a journey for which I need strength, direction and courage. This can be kind of a scary world and occasionally I worry a little.  I rebuke the fear, God is not the author of fear.

            To those of you going through your own valleys, get out your Bible’s and pray. Step by step you will make it through. Be willing to listen and be willing to change. I’ll share with you how well I’m able to do that, hopefully it won’t be a really difficult road.

            Take care, and keep looking up! God hears and answers prayer. There will be joy in the morning.