A lot has happened to me in the last month or so. I've discovered that, as a mother and grandmother much of my life has revolved around the children. It probably sounds like a nobrainer. Who doesn't know that most moms and grandmothers have their hearts tied up in their children?
A little less known subject is what happens when those children, those grandchildren aren't part of that mother's life? For me, after spending 43 years investing my time, love, money and resources into children it feels awful. I kind of pray all the time, (inside, silently, where it doesn't show). I sigh a lot, and discover huge amounts of time that all of a sudden, I have to myself and my own devices. It wasn't a gradual pulling away, it was several brutal abrupt rippings and tearings of the fabric of my life. I'm not much of a crying type and for the most part I've been dry eyed. Inside though, where no one can see, the tears flow ceaselessly.
After making dinners for all those years, (43) it feels weird to be hungry and not want to cook; to grab a chicken pot pie, or a can a chili and sit in front of the TV, me and HGTV.
This morning, early devotions, I finished reading through the Old Testament. It was an end of a journey taking me several months or more, of a chapter or two a day. I must confess, I didn't begin to understand everything I read. Here and there different things would stand out to me. A verse here, a passage there. It was a journey. Ahead, the New Testament and reading through, a chapter at a time, a daily walk.
I believe the most significant truth I brought away from the Old Testament is that God cares, and He has a tender heart to those who are alone. right now, walking through this land of broken-heartedness, that knowledge keeps me from despair. A wave of sadness may come, but I find myself praying inside and realize this is just for a moment. It will pass. A dawn will come when the sense of sadness will be gone; the memories will remain but without the searing pain.
So in the meantime, I keep moving forward. Kind of like a boxer, I bob and weave avoiding more conflict; trying not to be drawn into to any more chaos. I guess you could say, I've reached my limit. God's love is everlasting, and deeper than the sea, but my love ends short of the place when my life is threatened to be impacted by ongoing pain.
Today, beautiful, sunny, warm, I stayed home, cleaning, painting a bathroom, watering my flowers, simple acts, devoid of any drama. Just me recreating a fabric for my life now; and oh yes, the inward, continual praying.
Now, tired, my energies played out with domestic chores, I enjoy the breeze dancing in the outside sunlit leaves. Dinner, a can of chili is easy quick and I enjoy the comfort of the large, comfortable recliner. And I continue to pray.
I do not know what the future holds; these last few weeks have been difficult for me. Woodenly going through the paces of my life. I pray when I get up, I pray on the way to work, once at work, I notice I am quieter. I have less to say,
and I continue to
keep praying.
"May the God of all comfort give you joy and peace in believing."
Robin
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