The Root of Bitterness

          Another clear blue-skied sunny day. I noticed this morning that dawn came a little later, already the seasons are changing. Yesterday, on my trip, the ocean was an unusual shade of turquoise blue.

 The clean sands were hot beneath my feet. Walking to the water from the Peter Iredale approach I decided the winds were a little too much so I packed and moved to a different spot. Driving a mile or so North,  I spent several hours along the shore of the bay banking the mouth of the Columbia River. It is on the backside of the ocean jetty and is shielded from the ocean winds. The waters there were clear, clean, warm and I waded with my dog. It was fun watching him swim, furiously paddling away. I also just sat, basking in the sun and enjoying the beauty of the water, sky and beach.It was truly a day from heaven and I savored the moments.

          Earlier in the day, I’d given that dog a summer haircut and bath. I have two dogs but usually only take one when I go hiking. Today was Reutgers turn. The other dog, Kelsey, a tenacious pug-mix, heard us as I fired up the truck and actually cried in the back yard, she wanted to go too!  But, the two of them together spell a nightmare of tangled leases I prefer not to tackle. Reutger, sporting his new haircut, doggy smiled at me from his seat on the truck, the air conditioning delighting him in its coolness as we traveled along.

          Finally home, I settled in catching an episode of In Touch, with Charles Stanley. I truly enjoy watching his program since I believe his teachings are sound, practical and useful.    This morning, something is tagging along with yesterday’s thought. The chapter I read yesterday in Matthew highlighted forgiveness as key to keeping our hearts in tune with God. Having had a lot of time yesterday to think, I realized forgiveness is only half of the issue, the other half is giving up the bitterness. What is bitterness? For me, it is the remembering of all I might have done for a person, and the injustice of how they treated me. It is the sum total of the expectations of what another should do as a requirement of their position, or responsibility, or professed character along with the disappointment of them letting me down. It is an unrelenting poison that colors each moment with sadness and regret. Hebrews 12:15 warns us, “Letting no root of bitterness spring up that can choke the word.”

 Years past, when I gardened, I loved to watch the seeds come up. How eager I was to see the corn, green slim stems, parting the rich, dark soil. The carrots, lacy green shoots, dancing from the ground. What surprised me, even shocked me what the thousands and thousands of unplanted plants that appeared like magic, carpeting the rows of vegetables. “Where on earth did they come from?” I hadn’t planted any of those. Weeding took forever, and it was a constant battle, me against them. If grass came up I had to dig and dig to get it out or it would send its roots down and choke my plants. I understand roots for sure, leave a piece and before you know it, there it springs up again.

          Bitterness it like that, wound around your heart, spirit and memories invading the present with the past in a kind of evil, menacing shroud. Bitterness never inspires you to achieve something great, it never encourages you to mend broken relationships; it never breaks down walls of separation. It instead, builds up resentments, creates walls of hurt and keeps people away from each other and in broken relationship with God, the author of love, peace and forgiveness.

          How do you get rid of bitterness? Ah, now that’s a million dollar question. For me, this is an area I struggle with. I pray, I read my Bible, yet often, the things people have done or said to me, wound my spirit and heart and its so, so hard to get over things. I loved the movie, Finding Nemo. Part of that movie is depicted in a Disney World ride. The song, “Just keep swimming,” sort of typifies my life. I just keep trying, and when I’m ready to give up, I just keep praying. Because of my make-up, (musical, artistic etc), I feel things deeply. The good side is, I care about a lot of things and people. The bad side is, I care about a lot of things and people.

          I believe God has gifted each of us for a reason, for a purpose. Finding those giftings, learning to accept the concomitant pitfalls your personality type might be subject to is all part of the journey. For me, I’m ready to get out of the sea of despondency. In treatment, we call that, accepting change and moving on. In faith I’m going to realize for whatever reasons, the people in my life I've invested the most time in are not going to be in my life now. They need their time to sort things out. I need to trust that God still holds them in His hand and will continue to work in their lives. I have to let go; of them, of the bitterness, of the resentments, of the forgiveness. And, I have to move on, admittedly at 64 a lot more slowly than before, but still moving on.

          And so, the sun beckons me, the day is before me. Not knowing what will be I am ready to face the day. God is good, I am oh so blessed and am learning to wait, to have patience is a lesson I’m learning now.