Patch of Blue

         

     I’m home still, sitting in my family room, looking at the sky lights and noticing a patch of blue. Tall fir and cedar trees soar over the roof-line of my home and almost all but obscure that blue sky, but I can still see it.

          Woke up with pain, my whole right arm is sore from my flu shot, not bad, awful pain, just pain. I feel kind of like I’ve been in a wreck or something, checking to see what still works and what I can move. Apparently everything works, although with more pain than I’ve ever noticed before. Ah, age, strange companion that changes my sight, hearing and looks until I see my reflection and wonder, “Who is this person?”

          Yesterday, at the Dr’s office, she was amazed to see I take no medications. Apparently, at my age, that’s a rarity. I am thankful and grateful. Things could be much worse than they are. Right now, my blood work is back and I see except for a slightly elevated cholesterol and low Vitamin D, everything looks ok. Awesome, again something to be thankful for. My EKG, (which incidentally is now a quick-ed-dee-do-dah procedure) has not yet been read. And so I wait. I was dizzy, several times, seriously, and I have pain. Want to know what my “heart health” is before I trudge back to my job, with is filled with high level stress.

          So, now, I try to luxuriate in my time to rest, doing little things that don’t exhaust me throughout the day. The object is to rest, but the spring cleaning bug has bit and I so wish I was my normal, (editors note: my normal) self, diving in and getting things done. Instead I watch as other family members shampoo my carpet, move furniture and I sit, benched as it were on the sidelines of my life, if only for a while.

          I try not to think about work, my caseload of clients, personnel issues, mountains of paperwork, upcoming re-certifications for agency, new electronic record keeping systems. A few thoughts break through and I catch myself making mental to-do lists. I stop myself. I give the situations to God and let go. The job, the clients are not my life. Important yes, but not so important that I risk my health because I believe I’m the only one that can do my job. There are others to pick up the load I have temporarily dropped, and more importantly, there is God.

          The sun touches the branches of trees in my skylights, making my patch of blue ever more blue. Ah, the sun, I love it so. I had hoped so much to be able to visit Disney World this year but it appears I cannot. Odd to yearn for a place like I do Disney World. I love it there, I feel happy there. Flowers and beauty and safety and fun and families. Who wouldn't like that?

          I have been so fortunate to have the blessings I have had in my life. I must continually remember those blessings. I like one of the Psalms where David says, “I call to my mind, my songs in the night.” I have had those songs in the night. I used to sing and write songs. I used to play the piano and guitar and share with my church my faith in God. I don’t do that anymore but I can remember.

          There are seasons of life for many. Some, cut short in infancy or youth never live to see the days of gray hair and failing eyesight. For whatever reason, I’ve been blessed and am now in the Winter years, where patches of blue in my skylights bring me joy, and the ability to still cook a meal give me independence. I cannot know how long this season will last. Will it be years? Will it be months? Will it be days? None of us knows the number of our days.

          For now, waiting for the results of my EKG, I kind of wonder. Will my quality of life change suddenly? If so, will I be able to seek God to give me the grace to go through that season with grace? I hope so, people who are bitter about their health issues make everyone in their lives upset. God grant me your Spirit, power and love to never be that person. To remember the songs in the night, the patches of blue skies, the trips to Disney World, the kids and grand-kids and remain grateful, no matter what.

          May today, where-ever you are, bring you joy as you find your own patches of blue to anchor your thoughts, your spirit, and your sense of gratefulness for the blessings God has given you in your life.

“Lo I will be with you always, even to the end of the earth.”

          Jesus

Rest Stop On Life's Highway

Rest Stop On the Highway of Life

          Today marked a change point in my life. I have been praying for a new direction, an enhanced realization of purpose, being content with what I have and who I am. What I discovered is this, I’ve been feeling ill for a while, pain, stabbing, and occasional bouts of severe dizziness; all of which I’ve ignored and kept on keeping on.

          With a moment of clarity, I stopped procrastinating and drove myself to the Dr.’s office. They checked my vitals, sent me home and rescheduled an exam for tomorrow at 11 am. I can’t beat myself up with, Why did I wait? Or What was I thinking? The truth is, I am used to pushing through pain, emotional and/or physical and doing what I have to do. I admired Stoicism as a young person and admire hard work, perseverance and people who don’t whine about things.

          In the mean while, I have risked my life for some kind of token idol, and ignored the fact something is wrong.

          So, I came home after going to the Dr.’s and I’ve been sitting, lying down since. Family came to be with me and worked around gramma/mom worry lining their faces as the strangeness of me being “sick” sinks in. My grandson, offers me movies, oranges, Tylenol, coffee, anything he thinks might help. I’ve been there for him his whole life and the whole unknown is shaking him up a little.

          Two of my little grandsons greet me, one with open arms and crys of “Gramma!”  Certainly there can be few things as heart-warming as being loved by grandchildren.

          Funny, in a way, after yesterday wanting to find new purpose to my life I sort of wake up and realize, “I need medical help, something is wrong.” Weird, but true.

          So I rest on the couch, TV on, skies still light with evening’s darkness slowly creeping on.

          Tomorrow will be a beginning of sorts; exams, tests, questions, answers and questions. God holds my life in His hands. Each day is a gift, today perhaps will lead to a renewal of energy as the Dr sorts out my symptoms and does the slow work of diagnosis.

          So and all, it was a good day, different than most, but still different surrounded by people who love me and care. Could I ask for anything more? I think not. To be loved is a gift to be treasured always.

          To those of you facing your own unknowns, take heart, and lift up your prayers to God. He hears and answers prayers. He is the God of all comfort and He can and will calm the storms in your life. 

Home again, home again, jiggity jig

       Well, after realizing I was working through pain and dizziness (more than one day worth),  I gave myself permission to go to the Doctor. Sound weird? Yeah I guess it does. I'm someone who almost never goes to the Doctor. When I see my Doctor she is always surprised to see me, sometimes four or five years goes by, yes really. So, after getting my medical paid for by my current employer for over 8 months, I decided I really needed to go.

       I went at lunch, and thought, given my symptoms, they'd get me right in, I mean, RIGHT IN! Well, I'm still breathing, my blood pressure was ok and having pain and dizziness doesn't put you in the ER, so I let my boss know, my youngest daughter know and drove home. I will have a physical tomorrow. I will take a list, yes a list of the symptoms I've been having so I won't forget anything. After all, if I'm only going once in a blue moon, I want to take care of business.

        So, I'm at home, sitting, yes sitting which is difficult for me. I have a huge to-do list at work, a huge to-do list at home, but I am worried and so I will take it easy.

        Drinking coffee, eating campers stew, I feel sinfully lazy. But, (yes another but) I want to be here to see my young grandson graduate from High School. It's been such a long road for him, and I admire him being not willing to give up but keep trying, through each, long slow class. 

        And I would like to be here to see prayers answered, broken lives get mended, (thank you K-love) and my family find their way through this challenging world. And so, I will force myself to rest, see the Doctor and follow their advice. 

       God is good and no matter what the Doctor says I know my Redeemer lives things will work out, whether in this life or the next. 

"Teach me to number my days, so I can apply my heart unto wisdom." Proverbs

OK, God, What's Next?

Spring is here, green small leaves on the trees, daffodils up, bright yellow faces turning towards the sun. I have have made it through the winter. The long, slow days of darkened skies, driving home from work with blackened streets, wet with the rains of a hundred winter days, cold, drear with the seeming death of life coating everything with the gray sameness.

So, here I am, weary, worn, and aging. I am however, safe, fed and warm. So much to be grateful for. On the rainy Sunday night, I still am wishing that tomorrow I will wake up, excited about life, and filled with a sense of renewal of purpose. I am still alive and Spring is here and I am eager to see, hopefully the unfolding of God's plans for my life, golden years and all aside. No one can see their future, but I continue to believe that God is full of love and kindness and comfort. Whether that comfort comes as a result of my rethinking the meaning of life as I had expected; or whether that comfort comes as a result of finding new meaning in life I do not know.
    I only know, it is Spring and I joy to see the spring, growth greenery. I drink in the fresh earth smells and I joy to experience the lengthening of days, spelled out in the routines life entwined with eternal purposes.
   Teach me to know the number of my days......... so that I will apply my heart unto wisdom.  Psalms 90:12

In His Footsteps

Now that I am old and gray headed...............

Renewal - Choosing to make better choices now

Sitting at my dining room table surveying a wonderland of white, blanketing my world with layers of a soft, deep cushion of snow. I have been housebound for three days, watching out my windows as wave upon wave of snow drifted down changing the landscape. A few birds are out, calling from treetops, wondering where the land went, searching for food on a few bare branches. A brave soul or two slip-slides down the hill, of unplowed road, now layered with a coat of shining ice.

I love this large window, huge with trees and hills and broad expanse of sky giving me access to a wonderful, winter land vistas. Spring, summer, fall and winter I do not tire of looking out this window; fortunate to be able to see so many trees and hill that change their seasonal wardrobes. Now, clothes in white, they are picture postcard perfect. Briefly I wish I owned a camera with a panoramic capability since my own camera only catches small glimpses of the beauty.

The sun breaks through a small patch of gray skies making me realize how fortunate I am to be able to still see, in spite of age, failing eye sight and unsuccessful eye surgery. It is morning here and the news reports ask people to stay home, off the roads, safely tucked away until the big thaw predicted sometime tomorrow. I am here, having had to abandon my car three days ago some 15 miles from my home at the start of the blizzard. I caught a ride from a son-in-law who stuck to the road in spite of multiple, careless pick-up trucks careering past, creating a white out condition for us and sending us periously close to the road edge. A half mile from my home I had to walk through the dark, and deep snow up the hill to my home. I fell once, scarlily and watched my cell phone fly out of my hand into the drifts. Digging through the snow I  trucked on, shaken, and more careful then before. How glad I was to finally see my strong young grandson walking through the drifts coming down a hill to meet me, offering me his arm to anchor me as we trudged up the worst of the hill together. Whew, cold, dark, shaken, I finally got home and retreated to my chair, piles of blankets  finally chasing the bone chill.

I have been struggling with another kind of deep chill recently as I experienced the loss of someone I knew through suicide. Tragic beyond words all I can do is pray that God will surround the family with His care, His compassion, His mercy. I cannot imagine losing someone so tragically. As a child, a young brother in law, only 18, hung himself and devastation, pain and shock of his death impacted me and I can remember running, crying out of the funeral unable to stand it. The only hope of surviving losses of that magnitude can be reaching desperately to God for divine help in coping with the grief. Sorrow, loss, still must hurt beyond belief.

I continue to pray, that is all I can do. The nightmares, loss  of sleep I’m experiencing are so slight compared to the loss of the family. Very briefly I considered going to my physician and getting something to help me sleep. I tossed out that answer and have decided to focus on rekindling my commitment to exercise. I pray and read my Bible, that I will continue, along with reintroducing fasting.  I admit, I don’t understand how fasting works, but as I read through the Bible, (presently in Ezra) I see that in difficult times saints of old fasted. Well, I don’t think of myself as a saint, but I want to find direction, healing and wisdom and it seems like part of a Bible plan that fasting is one way to clear your heart and soul before God, and so I am fasting. Not telling anyone in the present, but just doing it.

My plan is to start walking more during my lunch at work. The cold and wet will force me to walk indoors, but that’s ok. I will begin, trucking through the Mall, not taking any money so the sales don’t lure me in.

I love watching In Touch on TV. Today, it was a message that celebrated the awesome privilege of claiming God’s promises.  The sermon centered on how Joshua forged ahead, claiming God’s promises and was courageous. I can only be courageous in my own life by holding onto God’s hand as tightly as I can and claiming that He will continue to strengthen me and give me His wisdom.

Another day or so confined to my home by snow and ice then back to work where I need so much Godly wisdom and love…..and courage.

To each of you wherever you are; seek to know God, through His son Jesus and continue to discover His Mercy, Grace and never-ending love.