Day 56 Eight weeks 'til Thanksgiving

      Yesterday at Weight Watchers, I was delighted to see I had lost more weight. I've lost 17.6 pounds so far and am much stronger than I was earlier in the summer. Of interest to me was the fact, there are only eight weeks until Thanksgiving.

     It's incredible that with 70 and 80 degree days we are that close to the holidays. Truly what my mother told me in her later years is true, "Robin, the older you get, the faster the time goes." It's true and now I, 62 notice the days, weeks, months, years fly by with a rapidity I want to stop but am unable to, caught by the cycle of birth, life and death.

      My plans had been to escape to the mountains or ocean yesterday. To hug the last few days of warm weather to me like the favorite blanket of a child. But, I had a wonderful opportunity to get as many free apples as I wanted from the orchard of church friends and I could not pass it up. The morning was bright, sunny and warm. My friend's orchard, beautiful, green mowed grass blanketing under the trees rich with ripe, sweet fruit. For me, an apple lover, it was it's own sweet paradise. I came ready to pick what I could, armed with boxes and a strong, young grandson. The friends, young and old helped us and in an hour or so we had nine huge, heavy boxes of apples, one heavy bucket of apples, 1/2 box of pears, 1/4 box of Italian plums. As we left the grandmother, a dear friend of mine for many years, gave me a gift of chives, to season my meals.

       Once home, strong as I'm getting I was unable to lift any of the boxes out of my van and the grandson had a big chore of bringing the boxes up a flight of stairs into the house. My dining room table right now is laden with hundreds of pounds of fruit. Once the owner of a dehydrator that someone borrowed and didn't return, I resorted to halving and pitting two trays of plums to dry into sweet, chewy goodness in the oven over-night.

       I made one pan of steaming hot, sweet applesauce, a weeks worth of chili, and a mashed potato, green bean, hamburger casserole that's been a favorite fall comfort food for many years. I picked up a copy of the Avenger's movie and my grandson and I relaxed, enjoying the movie before going to Saturday night worship team practice.

     It was not the day I planned, but with apples a dollar a pound and more at the store it was a day I could not afford to miss. Today, Sunday School, church, a birthday party and weekly shopping, my ocean trip seems farther and farther away.

         Last night, I had some trouble staying asleep. Something someone recently did to hurt me financially came to haunt me. Ironically forgiveness and resentments is a lecture topic I give to groups of men at the treatment center every month. Well, at the treatment center I can't share Jesus per se but can only talk in terms of Higher Power, and discovering spirituality. At home however, I know that only God can heal the hurt and give me His Spirit to forgive others when they hurt me. 

And so, I claim the verse in I John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." I ask God to forgive my unforgiving heart, and to take away my resentments. And, I sleep.

        This morning, the golden sun, another bright, wonderful day, I feel peaceful. The situation have not changed with the financial issues, but they seem farther away from my heart. I know God will help me survive, He always has. The other lesson I've learned, yet again, is how important keeping your word is. Today I've promised to go to Sunday and School and Church. I've promised to go to a birthday party later.

        All of those things I would like to set aside and run to the ocean for a last fling in the sun. But, I said I would, so I will. We have a little saying we have all the men say at the treatment center, "I'm a man worthy of love, honor, trust, dignity and respect." For me, that's true only to the degree that I allow and seek the Spirit of God to continually renew my heart and mind and spirit. It's my goal, it's my mission. And so, maybe somehow I can steal a hour or two to be in the sun at the ocean. To walk the beach, feel the sand smoosh between my toes and drink in the clean ocean breezes. I can hope, I can try. We'll see. In the meantime, I must be up and about my day.

Today may you find your own retreat, your connection with God and renewal of heart and mind. Have a blessed Sunday.

Day 55 A Lull

        

Woke up today before five am. It's dark outside, and the distant sound of occasional cars making their way through the night comes through my window. I feel a strange calm this am. I'm not hungry, not looking to get my morning coffee, just an awareness I'm alive and the cool early morning air is coming through my window.

     I read my daily devotionals and they are somehow flat, the words lay on the page like so much ink spilled out and left much like the first fall leaves, now brown crisps laying on the dry, Indian summer baked ground. My Bible reading, also dry read amid text I've underlined and highlighted in the past, but now read doesn't resonate with my soul to the same degree of fervor.

          I know spiritual seasons come and go. There are times when God "feels" close, and the sense of His presence permeates my days. And, there are days like today where I feel alone, perched on this edge of the universe, myself, my cats, dogs and a siren piercing the dawn's darkness. Where is God? Did He change? No, it's my human heart, worn down by work, disappointments with family and friends and needing renewal.

        My walking companion told me yesterday on our daily noon hiking time, "You should give up your trips to the ocean and mountains and invest that money in ways to sustain your family if disaster comes." I tried to explain, that my away times to nature are my times to recoup, to refresh, to renew. To find in nature my spiritual roots that have become dry and brittle in the the daily grind of working with people. This morning I wonder, "Can I just keep working 24-7 and still maintain that vital, vibrant connection to God and life?"

        In the Bible, Jesus went to the hills, seashore, and gardens to pray, and be alone. If He needed time away, is it insanity to even suppose I can keep going at a fever pitch and still have my spiritual self in good health, mentally, spiritually, emotionally?

      I don't know, I think perhaps for me, the constant strain of listening, talking with people drains my emotional reserves, and I must recharge, much like my laptop. Nothing, too terribly mystical, just part and parcel of the human condition.

      As a younger person, when a lull in my spiritual life would come, I made bad choices. I would drift away from my spiritual center and wander off. Now, in the later part of my life, I will not create chaos by wandering away from my life principles. I will, hopefully do the chores and errands I need to do and then run to the mountains or ocean to drink deeply in the scent of trees, and water and majestic vastness. To pray, to seek God's face and rediscover my enthusiasm for life, my job and my family.

      There's a line from an old song running through my head, "running on empty...." That's me this am, running on empty. I know next week looms ahead with it's lectures, groups, clients, family, friends, and challenges. If I ignore my needs this weekend I run the risk of facing next week with a barren soul, unable to love unconditionally individuals who by in large are used to taking, taking, taking. And so, I make a commitment to myself, now, early before the day begins. I will take time for my self-care, which includes getting away. Can I afford it financially? No. But can I afford not to? No!

         To each of you, wherever you are, remember you cannot be your best, if you don't take time to rest. In the hurry, hurry pace most of us live, this seems like an old, out of date homily. A little Ben Franklinism, out of a time where vitamins, positive thinking, and energy drinks didn't exist. It is still a message to our hearts and souls today............ take a Sabbath rest to renew your soul. God is still there, prayer changes things, but we are human and a time away will do wonders for me, (and you) to face life with a positive spirit, a solid faith, renewed vision and purpose.

To everyone who reads this, be blessed. Have a wonderful weekend and find your own mountain-top retreat. 

Day 55 - a lull in the storm

Woke up today before five am. It's dark outside, and the distant sound of occasional cars making their way through the night comes through my window. I feel a strange calm this am. I'm not hungry, not looking to get my morning coffee, just an awareness I'm alive and the cool early morning air is coming through my window.

I read my daily devotionals and they are somehow flat, the words lay on the page like so much ink spilled out and left much like the first fall leaves, now brown crisps laying on the dry, Indian summer baked ground. My Bible reading, also dry read amid text I've underlined and highlighted in the past, but now read doesn't resonate with my soul to the same degree of fervor.

I know spiritual seasons come and go. There are times when God "feels" close, and the sense of His presence permeates my days. And, there are days like today where I feel alone, perched on this edge of the universe, myself, my cats, dogs and a siren piercing the dawn's darkness. Where is God? Did He change? No, it's my human heart, worn down by work, disappointments with family and friends and needing renewal.

My walking companion told me yesterday on our daily noon hiking time, "You should give up your trips to the ocean and mountains and invest that money in ways to sustain your family if disaster comes." I tried to explain, that my away times to nature are my times to recoup, to refresh, to renew. To find in nature my spirtual roots that have become dry and brittle in the the daily grind of working with people. This morning I wonder, "Can I just keep working 24-7 and still maintain that vital, vibrant connection to God and life?"

In the Bible, Jesus went to the hills, seashore, and gardens to pray, and be alone. If He needed time away, is it insanity to even suppose I can keep going at a fever pitch and still have my spiritual self in good health?

I don't know, I think perhaps for me, the constant strain of listening, talking with people drains my emotional reserves, and I must recharge, much like my laptop. Nothing, too terribly mystical, just part and parcel of the human condition.

As a younger person, when a lull would come, I made bad choices. I would drift away from my spiritual center and wander off. Now, in the later part of my life, I will not create chaos by wandering away from my life principles. I will, hopefully do the chores and errands I need to do and then run to the mountains or ocean to drink deeply in the scent of trees, and water and majestic vastness. To pray, to seek God's face and rediscover my enthusiam for life, my job and my family.

There's a line from an old song running through my head, "running on empty...." That's me this am, running on empty. I know next week looms ahead with it's lectures, groups, clients, family, friends, and challenges. If I ignore my needs this weekend I run the risk of facing next week with a barren soul, unable to love unconditionally individuals who by in large are used to taking, taking, taking. And so, I make a comittment to myself, now, early before the day begins. I will take time for my self-care, which includes getting away. Can I afford it financially? No. But can I afford not to? No!

To each of you, wherever you are, remember you cannot be your best, if you don't take time to rest. In the hurry, hurry pace most of us live, this seems like an old, out of date homily. A little Ben Franklinism, out of a time where vitamins, positive thinking, and energy drinks didn't exist. It is still a message to our hearts and souls today............ take a Sabbath rest to renew your soul. God is still there, prayer changes things, but we are human and a time away will do wonders for me, (and you) to face life with a positive spirit, a solid faith, renewed vision and purpose.

To everyone who reads this, be blessed. Have a wonderful weekend and find your own mountain-top retreat.

Day 54 Keeping on, keeping on

 

      I've been awake since 4 am, now 5 am it's pitch black outside and I realize the full throes of fall are upon us. Reading my devotionals this morning, one contained the acceptance speech for a woman who received the Nobel Peace Prize, although untitled I'm assuming it's Mother T,heresa. Contained in that speech is so much self-sacrifice, so much dedication to a higher calling. I realize, I fall so short of that daily. Each morning I start out, fresh from reading my Bible, full of good intentions. It doesn't take too long until the complications of life, personalities, and circumstances find me anything but being Mother Theresa, or an image of God's love towards man.

      So each day, I fall short of my goal. I'm reading Phillipians right now and I love a number of verses in that book. Paul, faced with the realization of a constant lack of perfection says this,

 

 "I do not count myself as having attained, but one thing I do. Forgetting those things which are behind I reach forward to those things which are ahead. I press toward the goal of the prize of the upward call of God in C hrist Jesus."

Phillipians 3:13-14

      Daily, I begin again, to begin again. I accept my shortcomings and pray to be stronger, kinder, wiser and more foscused on what God wants me to become. Another couple of verses I love are found in the next chapter of Phillipians,

"Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say rejoice. Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing but by prayer and supplication (asking with thanksgiving) let your requests be known unto God. And the peace of God which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Phillipians 4-7

      For me, the promise of peace is so wonderful. Without God in my life, the stresses and strains become overwhelming. With God, they are still there for sure, but I know He will see me through.It's like my daily walk. Yesterday my walking companion was too tired to walk. He had worked all weekend and needed a break. I knew I had to walk, or I would fall back into the habit of inactivity. So I set out, beautiful fall day, alone, determined to keep going. I set out at a brisk pace but avoided the wood path since I was alone. I went about 2.5 miles through streets of houses, my goal a car dealership to ask a question about my truck. The way there was downhill, easy, light breeze. It was nothing. The way back was uphill, not steep, but more challenging. However, once started, I was committed to finishing my course.

 

      The Christian life has it's challenges too, there are some easy places, but a lot of uphill places too. Not giving up, not looking back at where we've failed is the only way to stay positive. To keep looking at the goal and realize that Jesus is the author and finisher of our faith, and He will help us, encourages me in those more difficult spots, where maybe I look at others and start to become discouraged.

      It helps to go to church weekly and be with others who believe. The music, the sermon all are spiritual food. Daily, reading a devotional and the Bible help me work on keeping spiritually fit. I fall short of perfection daily, but not giving up, not giving in, mean that over-all there is a steady growth of character in my life. 

      Today, faced with the treatment center with all it's strange twists and turns, I know I will be challenged hour by hour to keep my eyes fixed on God's purpose and plan for my life. To not get side-tracked into personalities and situations but to realize, ultimately, my job is to be a reflection of the love of God.

Best of everthing to you all in your lives, wherever you are. May the love of God be in your life, and may your days be blessed. Keep looking up.

Day 53 Finally Fall

Well it's official, fall is here. I've sensed it in the air for several weeks now, the deep smell of earth, leaves and trees returning to their winter home. This morning, early, before dawn, I was awake luxuriating in the joy of not having to wake up at 5 and get ready for work. A deep, resounding call beckoned me through the early morning hours. Mighty ships on the Columbia River, sounding out their deep, resonate fog horns. Some five miles away, the sleepy river flows, ships to and from the ocean making their way with cargoes, sliding through the autumn's cover of fog.

House payments, utility bills, gas to commute, I'm grounded this weekend to the house unless someone gifts me with $25 dollars so I can delight in the afternoon at the coast. I don't think that's going to happen, (the money thing) so I will find things to do at home, after a morning at church. It will be a long morning, music practice, Sunday School, Church, and then an after church spaghetti feed fund-raiser. It's OK though, I have made the commitment to attend and that's part of the fabric of my life.

A grandson gifted me yesterday with a wonderful large shelf in the laundry room. He used scrap wood and built a truly awesome shelf. Part of me knows that shelf will remain until the day I leave this home and downsize. It was made with love and that makes it all the more special. Perhaps, my afternoon at home will be deep-cleaning that room and organizing the stuff of camping, and Christmas, and projects that "someday" I'll get to.

As "some days" wind down in my life, I increasingly sense the fleetingness of time. I can remember as a child, waiting, waiting, waiting for summer to come until finally, it opened like a present on Christmas morning. Now, in my sixties, the weeks roll by with a blink of an eye and grand kids grow so quickly I cherish each moment knowing it is just a brief second of time, fading in the light of day.

I am happy this morning, sitting next to my window over-looking the ravine of woods and streams. Birds call to each other and the crisp air whispers it's early call of fall. I am fortunate, so lucky to have my health at this stage of life. The joy of being strong and getting fit will be mine for a season only, I know. But, while it lasts, I am oh so grateful.

Finding those reasons to be thankful helps me stay positive in the midst of disappointments from friends and family that are the part and parcel of being human. No one person can ever bring us happiness. Like time, happiness is an elusive, fleeting emotion that if sought after as an end is like chasing your shadow on a summer's day, you'll never catch it, that's for sure.

        With God as my anchor, the ship of my life can keep sailing on seas where waters might be troubled, where storms might assail, but I can remain safe, secure, and focused on tomorrow. That is something else I am grateful for, my hope, my trust that in spite of what appears frightening that God will see me through. I like the verse, Romans 8:28, And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those that are the called according to His purpose."

 

Looking outside my window, I see that the cedar boughs of the trees have the kiss of golden sun. The fog horns continue their low serenade and I know I must start my day.

Today, if your life ship is sailing on seas, rough and storm tossed, seek your safe harbor in Jesus. He is the anchor of souls, steadfast and sure. May you have a blessed Sunday and find peace and joy through believing God is good, and prayer changes things.

Day 52 - On my weigh!!!!

Saturday morning here, bright sunny, wonderfully Fall.  I just finished my Weight Watchers meeting.  Happy to report this week I lost 4.4 pounds for a total weight loss of 16.6!!  I have a ways to go but so much fun to realize there's less of me to love.

I continue to car-pool to work and it's saving me a lot of money and I am enjoying the freedom to visit with the two ladies I ride with. So many experiences we have in treatment we cannot really share with our families and it is a huge stress reliever to be able to process all the frustrating, annoying things that people can do or say in the course of a day.
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My friend at work and I continue to hike, walk every lunch.  We push ourselves to go up more hills, walk longer.  He reported to me yesterday that in the two weeks or so we've been doing this he's lost 17 pounds!!!  How exciting to know that we're both getting fit.  Many people at work bring food to share, last week alone I could have eaten myself into oblivion, several times. On top of which staff are allowed 'free breakfast' and cake every Thursday.I just keep my good health guidelines in view and avoid most free food with a passion.

Last weekend I took my bike and a relative to the coast and we rode the trails at Fort Stevens.  How cool that I can ride some trails effortlessly that earlier in the year were killing me to attempt.

Our spiritual life is like that too, the more we seek God and try to do what he wants, the more some good habits are put in place. I've had a couple people this week flash on me (get mad) and because I've been practicing exercising self-control energized by God's spirit in me, it wasn't any big deal to be kind, be calm and get on with business. Back in the day, I would have said or done something I would later regretted.



 Building myself up spiritually involves daily Bible reading, keep short accounts with God daily, learning to be humble, and prayer, prayer, prayer.  I let my clients know I'm not naturally a mellow person, which they now think I am.  I've explained that naturally I'm a hot-tempered person who has made many bad choices.  They look at me, calm, putting up with multiple guys mouthing off and find it hard to believe.  I assure them that everyone, ev-er-y-one in life has to connect with their HP (Higher Power), do some soul-searching and work on their character defects.

For me, the saving grace, the saving faith in my life has been Jesus Christ.  He has made the way for me to forgive myself, accept forgiveness and move on. I have found peace for the journey, help for the way, a joy in believing someday joy will come in the morning. I encourage all of you, seek God, try Jesus. What do you have to lose?   You h ave everything to gain.

Today, may God's peace surround you.  May you be called by His Holy Spirit into  a personal relationship with Him.  May you find your own way to a new life, or a life that is increasingly finding joy  in the morning.

Day 52 -