Day 59 Time to regroup

 

     Yesterday, the Fall rains came with a vengeance. Safe inside my home after completing my errands in town, the gray skies and falling raindrops made a natural backdrop for my own gray mood. I know that when I feel like this, I need to regroup and get a new game plan in place.

 

 

     My strategy consisted of one, finding new words of inspiration to encourage my heart. I watched In Touch on television with Charles Stanley. I find his program has solid, Biblical teaching without the pressure to give beyond my means that so many programs have. He uses sound Biblical principles to look at everyday issues Christians face. So from the comfort of a Lazy Boy recliner, a bowl of steaming hot vegetable beef soup in hand I listened. A familiar story was told, of God's faithfulness to forgive us when we humble ourselves. The fact that God has a plan for each of our lives as we continue to seek Him and place our lives in His care.

 

     By the end of the program, I admit the dark cloud of my wounded heart felt encouraged. No matter who abandons me, or mistreats me, God is still there. The faithfulness of God is a constant that provides me with hope, strength and purpose. It is a "no matter what" kind of love that anchors my soul in times of heartbreak and sorrow.

       I caught the last part of a Joyce Meyer broadcast and found more encouragement. Joyce doesn't sugar coat life's darker moments but presents them in the context of God's redeeming power and love to overcome, to survive, to triumph. More hope began springing up through the tangles of my heartbreak and I knew with a little more rest I would begin to heal from the trauma of the last few weeks.

      Having had a very long work week, I rested, watched a little television and went to bed early. This morning, about 4 am I awoke. After reading my daily devotionals I decided to start reading and re-reading the words of Jesus. I confess, much of what He says, I don't understand because the ability to perform what He requires seems so far from my own capability.

 

 

Before in my life, when reading the Bible, I've loved the Psalms and Proverbs because I can relate more. When David calls down the fire of heavens on his enemies, well, frankly that's something I can wrap my mind around. There is something delightfully comforting about revengeful thoughts. I'm just saying. I realize that David's Psalms come full circle and talk about God's over-riding power to right a wrong situation; to protect and provide for His own. This same sovereignty precludes us, as humans taking revenge. In another passage it's pretty clear when it says, "Vengeance is mine," says the Lord.

      Anyhow, my strategy in re-reading the words of Jesus is that maybe, through the power of the Holy Spirit the meaning and power of His words will begin to be played out in my own life. That I will become more like Him. Many theologians have discussed the metaphysical nature of Jesus's words. That the words themselves are full of power and life. Jesus himself said, "The words I speak to you, they are life." (paraphrased) And so I begin to regroup. Cast down, but not forsaken, I will by God's grace get a new game plan in place for my life.

    Since the seasons have changed and my outside walks will be fewer, today I will have the treadmill brought back upstairs into the family room where I can walk and watch TV at the same time. The exercise bike will go in there also and I will track my time as I continue to straighten my body.

      Spiritually, I will try to get up earlier, to read the Bible more, to immerse myself in Scripture before tackling the taxing job of working with my clients. And, I will pray more, making a list of my prayer requests and bring them often to God in prayer, asking for help, strength, encouragement and hope. I love a song I hear often on the radio, the name escapes me but the phrase, " I know silent prayers get answered, miracles still happen every day."

      I can wait for a miracle. I can do my part to become what God wants me to be and leave the results to Him. Maybe just maybe, as I continue to try, a miracle will happen in me and I will realize that I am able to love the unlovely; to forgive those who hurt me; and to be strong and hopeful in the face of despair. Now that would be a good thing for sure.

Today, if in your life you face mountains of discouragement, pain and despair, know that you have a kind, loving Father who is waiting and willing to help you cope, to help you go through your night of weeping to discover your own joy in the morning. Take care, and I'll talk at you later. Be blessed.

Day 58 And the rains came

 

 Up early this morning, it is a Saturday, I do not work and the dark of night is still outside my window. Yesterday, the first Fall rains came. For weeks on end we've had sunny, warm days-a prolonged summer that hung like rare jewels upon the horizon, ready to be plucked and enjoyed.

I did enjoy those days, basking in the sun like a peaceful cat on a window sill. My daily walks I drank in the views of hills and valleys rich with trees and forests and glimpses of fields resting before their winter's sleep. My friend and I spent hours discussing end times, God's will and politics while pushing ourselves up hills being winded by the efforts.

We stopped at apple trees, grape vines, plum trees, and blackberry bushes. It was truly amazing how many trees there were, yellow apples, green apples, red apples. As the weather turned, the colder nights turned the sugar in the apples sweeter and we munched and talked out way through the wooded trails.

Yesterday, starting out the rains began and the trails became yellow and orange bathed in the falling leaves. The sound of the rain on the forests canopy was a present reminder that this season was over and a change was happening. Like most changes, this was a wistful sad one for me, a goodbye to golden days of drinking in the forest's smells and pushing myself to gain strength and endurance. By the time the first loop of our walk ended, we were both pretty soaked and my friend suggested we not do the second loop up another hill through the paved city streets. I agreed and we parted ways each to our own pursuits.

Now, early morning the awareness of the fleeting nature of life is upon me. I feel as if I could poke through the fabric of my life to the other side of eternity so easily. I'm finding it difficult to attend to mundane daily tasks as this apparition of "life" comes and goes. Increasingly I am less inclined to get involved in work political struggles and tend to watch more and say less. It is not my job any more to fight some battles.

Staying on task with realizing that the lives I touch may at any time be snuffed out by a relapse, I share as much as I ethically can about the importance on using the time in treatment to seek God, pray and try to reconnect to a Higher Power they've pushed aside for crime and use.

Each morning, I seek God's face and try to renew my commitment to being in His will and love. It's somewhat discouraging to find, that in the same way the makeup I put on each morning wears off through the day, so does my Godliness.

It is part of being human, this inability to ever perfectly reflect God's nature in ourselves. My devotional this morning was about Moses. It spoke about the fact, early in his life, he felt the need to defend his people. He fought and killed someone who was hurting an Israelite. Then he fled, to live 40 years in the desert tending flocks. When he came across the burning bush and God called him to go and rescue His people he asked, "Who am I that I should go?" He had the passion early on but lost it through the mundane of the every day existence.

So it is for most of us. The "everydayness" of life tends to dull our higher callings, our passions, our dreams. The conflicts, the challenges of life tends to sap our energies until we start running on empty, so to speak. Right now, frankly, I'm running on empty. I've lost my edge because of sorrow, disappointments, and stress. What will I do about this? Well, when I was younger I would run. I would change careers, friends, living circumstances and seek relief from the pain of going through the trial. That didn't work of course, but in my youth I thought change was the answer.

Now, with the awareness ever in my mind that, "this too will pass," I move more slowly. Yes I will attempt to do more to rest my soul, replete my inner reserves, and re-charge my batteries, but I will not run. Moses ran to 40 years of wilderness experience to train his soul, I don't have 40 years left to train my soul. But what I have is precious to me. So the rains came finally and our seasons have changed. In my own life the rains have come, and the season has changed.

With God's help, I will stand steady, continue to seek His face and will and accept the fact this life holds suffering in its hands for many. It is a bitter cup but it is part and parcel of being alive in an imperfect world. My hope remains that someday, I will wake up and find "joy in the morning" whether it is in this life or the next and at that time all tears will be wiped away.

Today if you are going through your own valley of weeping, look up. God hears and answers prayers and as you seek Him, peace will come in the midst of the storm and you will be strengthened to keep going on until the suffering is over. He promises it in his Word, and God does not lie.

Day 57 Well He brought me through the fire.....

     Sometimes, each of us must go through the fire of difficult circumstances. This week, I've been yelled at by a number of people. I've been frightened and cried.  I don't  find going through times like that fun.  I don't think anybody does.  Looking for the good, at work, many people came to me after being yelled at and let me know they cared. Another good thing, my heart which has been unable to cry, cried. Experiencing the pain, I didn't rejoice in suffering for sure, but in a way it seemed as if I were removed.  I could see the people, I could hear the mean things they were saying, but really ultimately I feel so far away emotionally.

 

I know God cares for me and those people. I don't know how to make things better. Right now, still hurting from the awful things that were said, I'm not really wanting to make things better, I just want to have peace in my life.

 

    Often, peace comes at a cost politically, relationally, and family wise. Sometimes the only way people can justify their actions is to create drama.  Wherever you go, no matter where, there's drama. At this stage of my life, most of the time I avoid drama like crazy.  Sometimes, I am forced into enduring it and I hate it. But, God is good and I survived.  Yes, I've lost some sleep, had a nightmare or two, but I will heal.

 

      I believe for each of us who truly seeks God, He blankets us with His love and allows the healing to take place where the memories of what were said or done loses it sting.  I heave a sign of relief and go on. At this age, and from this perspective, I see much of life, is just going on and to keep trying to stay positive.

 

   It's not always easy, when people lie, or say horrible things, the impulse is say things back.   They went over the limit of what they could say, and threatened violent things. Other people who yelled at me said, mean spiteful things, trying to hurt me, to put me down. I feel worn out. Usually, going to nature helps me but today, I feel so flat about these situations I just am trying to do the mundane things like wash dishes, clothes, clean house, make coffee and do the shopping. Sometimes the routine things have to be done woodenly, but there is some comfort in their familiar routines.

 

     Having had an enormously awful week, I overslept today and woke up at 9 am. I never, ever sleep that late. I realized looking out my window the the sun was too bright on the leaves to be 7 or 8, it had to be later. I rushed to get ready and drove the 18 miles to my Weight Watchers meeting. It means a great deal to me to attend these meetings. To refocus each week on getting fit, making better choices for myself. I arrived at the tail end of the meeting. I weighed in and found out I've lost 19.6 pounds.

    I still have a ways to go but I feel encouraged that if I keep walking and hiking, eat sensibly I'll someday go to my meeting and find out I've reached my goal. 

    And so, I continue on with my life. Somewhat discouraged by what  I've experienced this week but knowing if I keep praying, things will get better.  Sometimes it takes a long while for relationships to heal, years.  I don't know how God will comfort my heart but I trust He will.  It's been so in the past, many times.  I will have to just keep on keeping on. Doing the things I have to do; trying to still care for the people who are my responsibility and trust that where I fall short, God will step in.

 

    So,  still a beautiful fall evening, unbelievably warm, sunny and clear for October.  I am sitting outside my little, city library writing my blog, getting ready to go home to the comfort of my home.  I will get out my Bible this evening, re-read some Psalms and try to regain my perspective on where I am in this world of turmoil and pain; and focus on how God intends for me to seek His plan, and His peace.

 

My song

   Well he's brought me through the fire

    And he's saved me from the flood.

    He's redeemed me by His power,

    And He's cleansed me with His blood...

    And when my trials became so heavy,

    I couldn't take another step,

    That's when my God reached down and said,

    Child it's time for you to get up.

Chorus

    Cause you're going to go higher places,

    Then you've ever gone before

    And those tears you've cried, will all be dried

    And you're never gonna cry no more.

 

    Cause my hands they hold a healing

    My love is full of grace and

    My word will be revealing,

    My perfect plan, my perfect peace.

 

    So when you feeling kind of lowly

    And you think you can't go on

    Just put your trust in Jesus

    And He'll give to you this song.

    And He'll give to you, this song.

        Copyright 2003 Robin

 

   

If in your life you are going through dark scary places, pray, claim God's promises and dare to believe that even though you are in the midst of the storm now, that the day will come when joy comes in the morning.

 

 

Day 56 Eight weeks 'til Thanksgiving

      Yesterday at Weight Watchers, I was delighted to see I had lost more weight. I've lost 17.6 pounds so far and am much stronger than I was earlier in the summer. Of interest to me was the fact, there are only eight weeks until Thanksgiving.

     It's incredible that with 70 and 80 degree days we are that close to the holidays. Truly what my mother told me in her later years is true, "Robin, the older you get, the faster the time goes." It's true and now I, 62 notice the days, weeks, months, years fly by with a rapidity I want to stop but am unable to, caught by the cycle of birth, life and death.

      My plans had been to escape to the mountains or ocean yesterday. To hug the last few days of warm weather to me like the favorite blanket of a child. But, I had a wonderful opportunity to get as many free apples as I wanted from the orchard of church friends and I could not pass it up. The morning was bright, sunny and warm. My friend's orchard, beautiful, green mowed grass blanketing under the trees rich with ripe, sweet fruit. For me, an apple lover, it was it's own sweet paradise. I came ready to pick what I could, armed with boxes and a strong, young grandson. The friends, young and old helped us and in an hour or so we had nine huge, heavy boxes of apples, one heavy bucket of apples, 1/2 box of pears, 1/4 box of Italian plums. As we left the grandmother, a dear friend of mine for many years, gave me a gift of chives, to season my meals.

       Once home, strong as I'm getting I was unable to lift any of the boxes out of my van and the grandson had a big chore of bringing the boxes up a flight of stairs into the house. My dining room table right now is laden with hundreds of pounds of fruit. Once the owner of a dehydrator that someone borrowed and didn't return, I resorted to halving and pitting two trays of plums to dry into sweet, chewy goodness in the oven over-night.

       I made one pan of steaming hot, sweet applesauce, a weeks worth of chili, and a mashed potato, green bean, hamburger casserole that's been a favorite fall comfort food for many years. I picked up a copy of the Avenger's movie and my grandson and I relaxed, enjoying the movie before going to Saturday night worship team practice.

     It was not the day I planned, but with apples a dollar a pound and more at the store it was a day I could not afford to miss. Today, Sunday School, church, a birthday party and weekly shopping, my ocean trip seems farther and farther away.

         Last night, I had some trouble staying asleep. Something someone recently did to hurt me financially came to haunt me. Ironically forgiveness and resentments is a lecture topic I give to groups of men at the treatment center every month. Well, at the treatment center I can't share Jesus per se but can only talk in terms of Higher Power, and discovering spirituality. At home however, I know that only God can heal the hurt and give me His Spirit to forgive others when they hurt me. 

And so, I claim the verse in I John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." I ask God to forgive my unforgiving heart, and to take away my resentments. And, I sleep.

        This morning, the golden sun, another bright, wonderful day, I feel peaceful. The situation have not changed with the financial issues, but they seem farther away from my heart. I know God will help me survive, He always has. The other lesson I've learned, yet again, is how important keeping your word is. Today I've promised to go to Sunday and School and Church. I've promised to go to a birthday party later.

        All of those things I would like to set aside and run to the ocean for a last fling in the sun. But, I said I would, so I will. We have a little saying we have all the men say at the treatment center, "I'm a man worthy of love, honor, trust, dignity and respect." For me, that's true only to the degree that I allow and seek the Spirit of God to continually renew my heart and mind and spirit. It's my goal, it's my mission. And so, maybe somehow I can steal a hour or two to be in the sun at the ocean. To walk the beach, feel the sand smoosh between my toes and drink in the clean ocean breezes. I can hope, I can try. We'll see. In the meantime, I must be up and about my day.

Today may you find your own retreat, your connection with God and renewal of heart and mind. Have a blessed Sunday.

Day 55 A Lull

        

Woke up today before five am. It's dark outside, and the distant sound of occasional cars making their way through the night comes through my window. I feel a strange calm this am. I'm not hungry, not looking to get my morning coffee, just an awareness I'm alive and the cool early morning air is coming through my window.

     I read my daily devotionals and they are somehow flat, the words lay on the page like so much ink spilled out and left much like the first fall leaves, now brown crisps laying on the dry, Indian summer baked ground. My Bible reading, also dry read amid text I've underlined and highlighted in the past, but now read doesn't resonate with my soul to the same degree of fervor.

          I know spiritual seasons come and go. There are times when God "feels" close, and the sense of His presence permeates my days. And, there are days like today where I feel alone, perched on this edge of the universe, myself, my cats, dogs and a siren piercing the dawn's darkness. Where is God? Did He change? No, it's my human heart, worn down by work, disappointments with family and friends and needing renewal.

        My walking companion told me yesterday on our daily noon hiking time, "You should give up your trips to the ocean and mountains and invest that money in ways to sustain your family if disaster comes." I tried to explain, that my away times to nature are my times to recoup, to refresh, to renew. To find in nature my spiritual roots that have become dry and brittle in the the daily grind of working with people. This morning I wonder, "Can I just keep working 24-7 and still maintain that vital, vibrant connection to God and life?"

        In the Bible, Jesus went to the hills, seashore, and gardens to pray, and be alone. If He needed time away, is it insanity to even suppose I can keep going at a fever pitch and still have my spiritual self in good health, mentally, spiritually, emotionally?

      I don't know, I think perhaps for me, the constant strain of listening, talking with people drains my emotional reserves, and I must recharge, much like my laptop. Nothing, too terribly mystical, just part and parcel of the human condition.

      As a younger person, when a lull in my spiritual life would come, I made bad choices. I would drift away from my spiritual center and wander off. Now, in the later part of my life, I will not create chaos by wandering away from my life principles. I will, hopefully do the chores and errands I need to do and then run to the mountains or ocean to drink deeply in the scent of trees, and water and majestic vastness. To pray, to seek God's face and rediscover my enthusiasm for life, my job and my family.

      There's a line from an old song running through my head, "running on empty...." That's me this am, running on empty. I know next week looms ahead with it's lectures, groups, clients, family, friends, and challenges. If I ignore my needs this weekend I run the risk of facing next week with a barren soul, unable to love unconditionally individuals who by in large are used to taking, taking, taking. And so, I make a commitment to myself, now, early before the day begins. I will take time for my self-care, which includes getting away. Can I afford it financially? No. But can I afford not to? No!

         To each of you, wherever you are, remember you cannot be your best, if you don't take time to rest. In the hurry, hurry pace most of us live, this seems like an old, out of date homily. A little Ben Franklinism, out of a time where vitamins, positive thinking, and energy drinks didn't exist. It is still a message to our hearts and souls today............ take a Sabbath rest to renew your soul. God is still there, prayer changes things, but we are human and a time away will do wonders for me, (and you) to face life with a positive spirit, a solid faith, renewed vision and purpose.

To everyone who reads this, be blessed. Have a wonderful weekend and find your own mountain-top retreat. 

Day 55 - a lull in the storm

Woke up today before five am. It's dark outside, and the distant sound of occasional cars making their way through the night comes through my window. I feel a strange calm this am. I'm not hungry, not looking to get my morning coffee, just an awareness I'm alive and the cool early morning air is coming through my window.

I read my daily devotionals and they are somehow flat, the words lay on the page like so much ink spilled out and left much like the first fall leaves, now brown crisps laying on the dry, Indian summer baked ground. My Bible reading, also dry read amid text I've underlined and highlighted in the past, but now read doesn't resonate with my soul to the same degree of fervor.

I know spiritual seasons come and go. There are times when God "feels" close, and the sense of His presence permeates my days. And, there are days like today where I feel alone, perched on this edge of the universe, myself, my cats, dogs and a siren piercing the dawn's darkness. Where is God? Did He change? No, it's my human heart, worn down by work, disappointments with family and friends and needing renewal.

My walking companion told me yesterday on our daily noon hiking time, "You should give up your trips to the ocean and mountains and invest that money in ways to sustain your family if disaster comes." I tried to explain, that my away times to nature are my times to recoup, to refresh, to renew. To find in nature my spirtual roots that have become dry and brittle in the the daily grind of working with people. This morning I wonder, "Can I just keep working 24-7 and still maintain that vital, vibrant connection to God and life?"

In the Bible, Jesus went to the hills, seashore, and gardens to pray, and be alone. If He needed time away, is it insanity to even suppose I can keep going at a fever pitch and still have my spiritual self in good health?

I don't know, I think perhaps for me, the constant strain of listening, talking with people drains my emotional reserves, and I must recharge, much like my laptop. Nothing, too terribly mystical, just part and parcel of the human condition.

As a younger person, when a lull would come, I made bad choices. I would drift away from my spiritual center and wander off. Now, in the later part of my life, I will not create chaos by wandering away from my life principles. I will, hopefully do the chores and errands I need to do and then run to the mountains or ocean to drink deeply in the scent of trees, and water and majestic vastness. To pray, to seek God's face and rediscover my enthusiam for life, my job and my family.

There's a line from an old song running through my head, "running on empty...." That's me this am, running on empty. I know next week looms ahead with it's lectures, groups, clients, family, friends, and challenges. If I ignore my needs this weekend I run the risk of facing next week with a barren soul, unable to love unconditionally individuals who by in large are used to taking, taking, taking. And so, I make a comittment to myself, now, early before the day begins. I will take time for my self-care, which includes getting away. Can I afford it financially? No. But can I afford not to? No!

To each of you, wherever you are, remember you cannot be your best, if you don't take time to rest. In the hurry, hurry pace most of us live, this seems like an old, out of date homily. A little Ben Franklinism, out of a time where vitamins, positive thinking, and energy drinks didn't exist. It is still a message to our hearts and souls today............ take a Sabbath rest to renew your soul. God is still there, prayer changes things, but we are human and a time away will do wonders for me, (and you) to face life with a positive spirit, a solid faith, renewed vision and purpose.

To everyone who reads this, be blessed. Have a wonderful weekend and find your own mountain-top retreat.

Day 54 Keeping on, keeping on

 

      I've been awake since 4 am, now 5 am it's pitch black outside and I realize the full throes of fall are upon us. Reading my devotionals this morning, one contained the acceptance speech for a woman who received the Nobel Peace Prize, although untitled I'm assuming it's Mother T,heresa. Contained in that speech is so much self-sacrifice, so much dedication to a higher calling. I realize, I fall so short of that daily. Each morning I start out, fresh from reading my Bible, full of good intentions. It doesn't take too long until the complications of life, personalities, and circumstances find me anything but being Mother Theresa, or an image of God's love towards man.

      So each day, I fall short of my goal. I'm reading Phillipians right now and I love a number of verses in that book. Paul, faced with the realization of a constant lack of perfection says this,

 

 "I do not count myself as having attained, but one thing I do. Forgetting those things which are behind I reach forward to those things which are ahead. I press toward the goal of the prize of the upward call of God in C hrist Jesus."

Phillipians 3:13-14

      Daily, I begin again, to begin again. I accept my shortcomings and pray to be stronger, kinder, wiser and more foscused on what God wants me to become. Another couple of verses I love are found in the next chapter of Phillipians,

"Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say rejoice. Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing but by prayer and supplication (asking with thanksgiving) let your requests be known unto God. And the peace of God which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Phillipians 4-7

      For me, the promise of peace is so wonderful. Without God in my life, the stresses and strains become overwhelming. With God, they are still there for sure, but I know He will see me through.It's like my daily walk. Yesterday my walking companion was too tired to walk. He had worked all weekend and needed a break. I knew I had to walk, or I would fall back into the habit of inactivity. So I set out, beautiful fall day, alone, determined to keep going. I set out at a brisk pace but avoided the wood path since I was alone. I went about 2.5 miles through streets of houses, my goal a car dealership to ask a question about my truck. The way there was downhill, easy, light breeze. It was nothing. The way back was uphill, not steep, but more challenging. However, once started, I was committed to finishing my course.

 

      The Christian life has it's challenges too, there are some easy places, but a lot of uphill places too. Not giving up, not looking back at where we've failed is the only way to stay positive. To keep looking at the goal and realize that Jesus is the author and finisher of our faith, and He will help us, encourages me in those more difficult spots, where maybe I look at others and start to become discouraged.

      It helps to go to church weekly and be with others who believe. The music, the sermon all are spiritual food. Daily, reading a devotional and the Bible help me work on keeping spiritually fit. I fall short of perfection daily, but not giving up, not giving in, mean that over-all there is a steady growth of character in my life. 

      Today, faced with the treatment center with all it's strange twists and turns, I know I will be challenged hour by hour to keep my eyes fixed on God's purpose and plan for my life. To not get side-tracked into personalities and situations but to realize, ultimately, my job is to be a reflection of the love of God.

Best of everthing to you all in your lives, wherever you are. May the love of God be in your life, and may your days be blessed. Keep looking up.