Day 7: Life has it's detours

The Oregon coast is wonderful, trees, rivers, ocean and rain. Camping with little ones we discovered the joys of dodging showers. Some nights, shivering and cold we would race for the 'comfort' of the car. There sprawled out we would listen to rain on the roof and finally fall asleep, hoping for brighter tomorrows.

After buying our truck, "Old Moe" I scoured the paper looking for used campers. I saw one that sounded promising and we called the owners. They gave us directions and out we went, single mom and brood of little ones. Near Battleground Washington, the nicest couple showed us a clean, simple camper. Bathroom, kitchen, cool overhead bed. We loved it!!

How excited we were to go camping now. We had so many happy times sitting around our little dining table, eating our meals, looking out at the trees. Every once and a while, I would leave the campsite, drive the truck to the Peter Iredale overlook and there cook bacon, eggs and pancakes while watching the ocean waves crash along the beach. The children loved it and I loved it!

'Old Moe' had a pass through window and so did the camper. It was wonderful. I could put my son and a friend in the truck, (back seat folded down to a bed) and still keep tabs on them. Everything about that old camper was fun and new to us. We felt as if we were so lucky, and so happy.

Once, loaded up with supplies for a week of camping, we headed out to the coast from Vancouver. It was a hot day and we all eagerly awaited the refreshing of the coast. Near Kalama the truck started acting up, it sputtered, it coughed. I prayed, the children prayed and Old Moe gradually came to a quiet stop. We got out, walking along the freeway until we could find a place to escape. Finally, from a riverside park we called for a tow-truck. They came and all of us landed back in Kalama. "What could be wrong? I thought, and also, "Why now?" After about a half and hour of tinkering the mechanic let me know what was wrong.

Old Moe had three, (yes three) gas tanks. There were two switches that controlled which tank you were on. With two full tanks, I had somehow mixed things up and switched to the empty tank. I had run out of gas with two full reserves!! Truck fired up, (embarrassed) we were finally ready to go, we headed out once again to go camping.

How like my own life this story is. Often, having everything I need for my life, I will make a bad choice and go after something that is an "empty tank". I've chased careers, relationships, possessions that had no value whatsoever, they were empty. Often, those mistakes have pulled my own life over to the side of the road and I've had to take time out to figure out what was wrong.

How grateful I am that like those kind men who diagnosed "Old Moe's" problems, God is patient and kind and will gently show me the problem. Sometimes I will fuss and fume, wallowing in my own resentments. I paddle around there until the realization comes that swimming around in a sea of self-pity isn't too healthy, and only then I head for the safety of the shore.

God is good, and gives us second, third and multiple chances, and opportunities to rethink who we are. How I've needed those chances in my own life. How thankful I am that they've been there when I needed them. Along this journey, I've found so much comfort in my Bible. Verses have stood out to me as signposts of hope along the way. One verse that I particularly love is the verse, "The Steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; They are new every morning." Lamentations 3: 22-23. This verse points to the inexhaustible supply of God to pick us, dust us off and get us going again. Just like "Old Moe" and the side-tracked camping trip.

Today is a new morning, a new beginning. Today will be another new beginning for me. I will attend my support group and learn more about how to maintain healthier habits; habits that will contribute to my overall well-being and will help me be the person I want to be and the person that God wants me to become.

"May your today be filled with new beginnings. May each new beginning be the start of happier endings and forever finding 'joy in the morning.' "

Day 6: Continuing to discover...

      Fort Stevens near Astoria, Oregon is a favorite place of mine. We discovered the real joys of Fort Stevens by chance. Over twenty years ago, we went to a weekend sponsored by my church and tented in a group setting. We liked the campground, enjoyed the lake, campfires and songs. What we didn't know was there were miles of paved bike trails winding through the woods, to the ocean, Coffenbury Lake and Columbia River. It was a whole new, wonderful exciting world for us. For years now, we have come back to this campground, again and again, bikes, helmets, tarps, all the gear you need for camping at the Coast. So many happy memories discovering special places to watch birds, spotting blue herons, or rare eagles. Places where we could stow our bikes and explore. I would not trade a moment of those trips, they are memories about family, nature and discovery.

Coffenbury Lake

     I am still that person, taking off, finding new places to explore. I'm apt to load up my truck or van and head to the coast or mountains and hike or bike until I wear out. I wear out easier these days but as long as I am able I want to experience nature, nothing else bathes my soul in so much joy.

     Much of life is a trade off, we put certain things on our to-do list and take others off. Winding down the first week of my journey to recapture my life, I've discovered I need to add some things into my list to support my journey. Motivation and momentum are things that require constant renewal and sometimes, in the cold, clear light of reality the realization occurs that each of us needs help in this area. For me, understanding that I so often drift from purpose, I realize I must incorporate more support into my life. It is not enough to decide to do, I need to surround myself with others, intent on making that same journey. I have reached the decision to return to a support group to help me in my personal challenge to pursue healthier choices.

The shipwreck of  Peter Iredale at Ft. Stevens

     I will begin my group tomorrow morning, stealing a few moments out of a busy schedule to help insure that I can continue to enjoy nature in all it's splendor. That I can maintain my excellent health, and build a leaness into my soul that better equips me for this part of the journey. My bike is in my shed gathering dust, the treadmill sits idly by, a monument of sorts. It's time to dust these things off, to set goals, to create incentives. By the grace of God, with support of friends I will challenge myself to remain that person forever seeking trails to hike, or beaches to explore.

Barracks from WW2 at Historic Site

Never let pride keep you from joining with others to support you in your journey. Reaching out, reaching up, allows us to keep reaching others with a message of hope and renewal.

Day 5: Sunrise on the Mountain

The Hills I view each morning

     This morning while ironing I looked out the living room window, I saw hills, sky and the pink kiss of the day's first smile bathing the hills with it's glow. How I treasure seeing the hills. It is with a continual sense of joy that I devour the sight of trees and hills. I do not know if I shall ever live in a climate with brown, treeless hills, but for now, I have the richness of all this green.

   

Mt. Rainier

      Growing up, I lived on a hill in a rural area outside Auburn, Washington. Our home had large picture windows in every room that looked out to the vast acres of dairy farms. On the horizon the majestic Mt. Rainier framed every vista. I knew that mountain each morning as the sunrise colored it peaks, pink and gold. Mom always cooked breakfast for the family and we would start our day around the kitchen table, day's first birds making their way across the lawn the mountain in our view.

Eagle Creek

     I grew up enjoying woods, trees and views of field. I was truly blessed. The love of nature was bound into my soul and always I found my deepest joys in going to the hills. Early on I shared this love of the mountains with my children. I remember their small faces as I took them on the first mountain trail. The deep forest canopy awed them, the sharp drops of the trail somewhat frightened them. I held fast to the youngest ones hands and up we went, single mom with her four children in tow. 

     Once my son who was about four at the time grew very fearful on a hiking trip and suddenly made a break for it. He turned and ran down the trail as fast as his little legs could take him. I called his name in vain as on he went running fleeing for safety. I continued to call, and herded the other three children back down the winding trail, carrying the smallest in my arms. Finally at the bottom I caught up with my small son, winded by his break-neck run down the trail. In vain I tried to talk him into going back up the trail. He shook his head firmly, "No!" He was deadset against trying it again, the trail was too foreign and frightening to him.

   

View while hiking Eagle Creek

      There were other days and other trips and the children became accustomed to hiking. Eagle Creek in the Columbia Gorge became one of our favorite spots. Once, we hiked almost ten miles up the trail, early morning's sun creating shadowed patterns on the hills. I carried, (yes carried a watermelon) and our lunch. We found a spot off the trail and our feet dangling in the ice cold creek, small fish tickling our toes, we ate our lunch. For dessert I broke the watermelon on a rock and we sat eating the sweet, red fruit enjoying the clear mountain stream. My children had lost their fear of the hills.

    In my life, there have been many times, I've feared the mountains ahead. Things have seemed too difficult, or frightening. Again and again, I've placed my hand in God's hand and timidly stepped out onto unknown trails. Sometimes like my small son, I've run back down the trail away from the challenges, scared of the unknown. Later, bolstered by prayer, reading my Bible the encouragement of loved ones I've tried again. How glad I am that God is the author of second chances. How I've needed them in my own journey.

Punch Bowl Falls at Eagle Creek

     Yesterday, facing the challenges of working at the treatment center, I decided to start leaving the building for lunch. I stayed on track with my eating with apples, cheese and yogurt. I enjoyed some fresh air, sun and sights of spring, growth green. Coming back into the treatment center, I heard my name being called, "Robin where were you?" I could not answer them, "I was feeding my soul," but truly I was. The times I get away, to refresh, regroup and refire are the times I build up the love bank in my soul. God is good, I have so many moments in my day to rekindle my purpose, to renew my commitment. It is essential in all of our lives to take those moments, to create those memories and find our own mountain top experiences.

Today may your journey include moments to enjoy the fingerprints of God in the beauty of nature.

Day 4: Friends on the Journey

      Last night, my dogs woke me up with their barking, the racoons were back. I live on property that is mostly forest. The house sits on a small cleared portion of land and then drops steeply with very large trees blanketing a cliff that leads to a creek. In the winter this creek is a roaring river. Almost July, the creek is a peaceful, gurgling flow of waters.

  
     The racoons that live near me are quite bold. I can be sitting in my family room and look up and one or more can be staring back at me. They wait for the moment we forget and leave dog food out. Sometimes families of 3 or 4 will walk up the back deck stairs and check to see if dinner is on the table.

     Once we tried to catch them to transfer them and a small baby was caught in the non-kill trap. A family member protested that we couldn't take the baby from it's mother and it was set free. So we continue to co-exist. We're not friends but we've certainly met.

     I also share my space with other woodland creatures. One day I was looking out my dining room window. (These windows are right on the edge of the cliff. Large cedar trees branch out to touch the house and shade the deck.) Suddenly I realized a small, alert squirrel was staring at me from a branch. That tree was his home. Occasionally I throw bread over the deck. Sitting out there on another day I watched that same small squirrel drag an entire piece of bread to its home.

      Deer graze in my tiny backyard and occasionally will be seen taking leaves from my roses. I wonder, "What do rose petals taste like to them?"

     All in all, most of time it's pretty quiet where I live and I enjoy the peace. Peace is of such value. There have been many times in my own life where the absence of peace has created emotional pain. At those times I run to my Bible for comfort. I am not ashamed to admit that I pray a lot to God. I have to because there are so many situations that are out of my control and finding peace in the midst of those storms requires more than me "thinking it though."

     At work I have a friend to whom I go when things get 'out of control.' I trust this person because we have talked through our values, our faith and because they don't over-react. I value their judgement. Finding friends to support us in life is crucial to maintaining peace. My mother used to say, "You only find a few friends in life with whom you can really share your soul."I believe this is true. I also think that putting yourself in situations where you can find friends is essential to making that happen. I am careful where I go at this stage of life.

      Yesterday, coming home from work I realized I was emotionally taxed. Talking with clients, sending out reports, having a two and a half hour group where people processed some very deep experiences had taken a toll on my energy bank. I turned on the radio to a station that broadcasts encouraging music, K-Love. The songs fed my soul on the commute home.

     Self-care is important to keep my spirit refreshed and ready to meet the needs of those I love and care for. Nourishing my soul with inspirational reading, music and friendships gives me renewal. Connecting with God as my source gives me the strength for journey. Having friends to whom I can go, helps me weather the storms of my life and stay calm.

      As I focus on nourishing my body with healthier choices, it seems I am becoming aware of more ways to nourish my soul. It is as if the lens on my camera is coming into focus. May my focus become clearer and clearer as self-control recaptures that portion of my soul I have too often given over to reckless abandon.

May your today be a window to a world where you find peace for your journey, a friend to comfort you  and a pathway to joy.............

Day 3: More from along the trail

     Awake before five, song in my head. I love mornings.  It's like getting a package of new socks. When my children were little, they always loved getting ready to go back to school. We'd make lists, we'd plan and then we'd shop. When we'd shop each child would have their own special extravagance; a pair of name brand shoes or jeans; a special outfit.  Teaching them about money involved letting them understand one expensive item would cost several less expensive shirts or pants.

     They were so precious planning their outfits, mixing and matching colors and styles.  Very early they learned about budgets. We'd bring all the new clothes home and the rules were, you couldn't wear your new clothes until the first day of school. How they so longed to wear their new things. They would barter and beg looking for me to give in. One especially tempting package for them was always the packages of new socks. Sometimes they would give in to temptation and I would find them running out to play their bright white socks loudly proclaiming their weakness.

      Morning is like those packages of new socks for me, I can hardly wait to open them. There is something fresh and new in  morning air, the whole beginning again new is a gift. How fortunate I am that I am not burdened down with regrets and pain from past mistakes.

       At work yesterday it struck me how much sadness was in my client’s faces. As I looked around my group I realized not really any of them looked happy, instead the weight of their pasts were mirrored in their faces. I almost felt guilty for being so happy, as if somehow the blessings of my own life mocked theirs. But one thing I know, my freedom from guilt and shame came only through God's healing power.    

      There was a time when all my  mistakes, (many) haunted me and not being able to forgive myself and others made my life very unhappy. I learned that through prayer, mine and others, I could find the peace of forgiveness I longed for.  It was and is a journey of learning.

      It is as if you see a high mountain in the hills, you drive to find where it starts. You discover the trail that leads to its peak and decide to get out and climb. The pack on your back is heavy, the straps hurt but you persist. Climbing, climbing, climbing until finally after several days you reach the summit and enjoy the breath-taking vista of eons of valleys, hills and rivers painting the distance with their colors of greens and blues.

      On this journey of my life I've made the decision I need to pack a little more wisely.* to acquire some new healthier ways of living. It is a new adventure and I want to move forward. It is Day Three and yesterday apples, bananas and salads were choices that made that day a healthy one. Sharing with people, listening to people and caring made it a happy one.

* P.S. I will pack new socks.

Day 2: "Weeping may endure the night but joy comes in the morning."

     Waking up to familiar sounds is comforting. Birds, the beginning of traffic, coffee brewing. We surround ourselves with routines and in that routine find comfort. It is Day Two of my journey and the work week stretches again. My life right now is parceled out in lectures, groups, individuals and paperwork. It to is a routine...not as comforting. There is always the potential for hope that cuts through the tedious and creates an atmosphere where the maybe's, the might be's, the could be's infuse my life with the excitement of possibilities.

     People can and do change, for better and for worse. Marriage is not always for better or worse, sometimes it's for the ending. Life is like that also. Last night at church we had missionaries from Alaska. They shared stories of a land where suicide is epidemic. Where so many people, so many youth have no hope and make a final, tragic choice of ending their life. Why talk about death in a blog about rediscovering life? Because without the awareness that all choices contribute to one or the other misses one of the essential truths about life; it is only for a moment.

      Making my moments count is important to me. Helping others make their moments count is woven into the fabric of my life, and routine. Finding comfort for this, odd, quirky journey of mine involves being open to connecting with circumstances and people and learning how to love at a deeper level.

      Yesterday I wrote a song during church, it was about not doubting when God gives you a vision, a purpose and a plan. To reach out and believe that in the middle of the suffering you can discover creative ways to become part of the healing process. I would share it here but I gave my only copy to a friend at church to whom I sensed the song was for. Her vision is for youth.

      Yesterday, rich with family, worship, and music eating food was an "eat to live" kind of thing rather than a "live to eat" . Fleetingly a bag of Doritos called my name but micro-wave popcorn was a better choice. This week is ahead, yesterday I think I smiled and laughed all day. My song, my joy is returning.

Day 1: The Journey Begins...

Journey to recapture Me

Yesterday, I thought would be Day One of my journey to recapture me.  A day later and I realize, "I" was pretty elusive but the whole reveal of digging out of years of habits did surface with rather annoying clarity.

My goal, to become fit at sixty-something and enjoy these "golden" years. I've sort of nudged into become a sedentary kind of person dragged down by the 8-5 daily grind and a long commute. At least that's my story, for today.

Yesterday, I wrote up a whole bunch of ideas about the how, the why and the wherefore of change. I entitled it, Discovery Discover Me.  I was going to blog my way to getting fit. I created a punch list of the 1-4 with all the right words in the right places. I had a to-do list designed to help move me and others through the continuum of change. From the point of per-contemplation all the way to being ready to take action. I had a personal discovery treatment plan for how to hone in on your inner motivations, to clarify your values and discover the hidden potential of goals being primary motivators.


Yes, that was my plan.  All empirically based only to discover that much of who I've become is based in translating my life into terms of work, food, and weekends.  The weekends filled with errands, church, cleaning, and trying to fit in  "fun" escapes only to realize my ole hiking haunts find me taking multiple breaks along the path. These breaks being punctuated by well-meaning, fit, "yupsters" asking, " Are you o.k?" And so it goes.

After spending a fun hour shopping at the local food store, list in hand only to find that my counter checks from my local bank would not be accepted.  This with me standing there, smiling, realizing I teach about acceptance all the time and yet I'm inwardly thinking, "Nuts, now what." Another store, closer to home, another hour and I have my now over-priced groceries in tow and all I want to do is go home, watch TV and cuddle with a bag of Cheetos. Which is what I did. So Day One of my journey was me facing the fact I am a "comfort food" eater. Today in Sunday School, (yes at 60-something I go to Sunday School) the verses highlighted self-control as been one of the essential components of getting fit spiritually. Self-control sounds kind of like thinking maybe it's possible. That maybe somewhere, somehow losing the habits and besetting sins that cause so much grief and pain in my life "relief" might be on the horizon. Yes, I believe it's true, people can change.

So comfort.........translated into so many things for so many people. Today, I will find comfort; elusive perhaps but still worth the seeking. Today I will not overeat.