Now, decades past, I don’t dream of flying anymore. I don’t
know why that is, whether some part of my soul has aged to the point where
impossibilities cease to exist or what, I only know at night, I no longer fly.
During my waking hours, realities press in upon me and I
realize crunch time has come. During my years at college, crunch time meant,
term papers were due, or finals were coming. It was time to get serious and
buckle down. In my life, right now, it’s crunch time financially. I literally
do not have enough money coming in to meet the basic bills. I’ve been depleting
my savings until I’m up against the end. Working full time, at 62 I realize
taking on another job is not an option. I do good at the job I have but by the
end of my long day I’m tired, more often than not I fall asleep in the family
room, sitting in my chair, wake up and realize I’d better go to bed so I can
hear the alarm go off to get up for another day.
So I’m left with several options, downsize, and/or find a
second source of income making something. I’m not one of those women who fills
their home with beautiful things they’ve made. I’m musical, I’m smart, but the
“crafty” gene just didn’t come in my genetic make-up. I can’t take in laundry,
(like in old books), I can’t open up a newspaper stand, shoe-shine chair, or
any of the odd things people used to do to supplement their income.
I know there are millions of other people out there just like
me, wondering how they are going to keep the lights and water on, food on the
table, and a roof over their head. It is a sign of the times that even employed
people are feeling the pinch.
So, what am I going to do?
Good question. I took home the medical/dental plan materials from work
yesterday and looked at them longingly. For the last year or so, I haven’t had
any insurance and the hope remains my health keeps on being good. If not, well,
I’m one catastrophic illness away from being destitute. But, the insurance
costs money, money I don’t have.
I’m not alone in this I know, millions of people in American
don’t have medical or dental insurance. We limp along, living with different
things, broken teeth, aches and pains, hoping, praying something will change.
World-wide, the picture gets grimmer, children without medicine, old people
without food.
So where does that leave me? Having a global sense of want,
doesn’t resolve the current problem. Bankruptcy doesn’t pay electric and water
bills, or put food on the table. So, looking at all my expenditures there are
some things I can eliminate. I have two vehicles. One must go, even at a loss.
I’ve never turned a car back to a dealer or bank before and that will be my
last option. Foolish pride? Maybe. So I will face this and get on with it.
Today, I will get help and spiffy up one of them. I will make a sign, visit a
car lot and see if I can move on.
I love television, a show or two now and then is
entertaining. It costs about thirty dollars a month. It’s not a necessity. I
could lose that. I don’t really need a cell phone. I’m paying twenty-five
dollars a month on that. That’s fifty-five dollars there. I don’t qualify for
any help from the government for food or medical so that will pretty much stay
the same. I have pets, and I will try to find homes for them, their food costs
money, and their licenses. I cut my own hair, don’t do my nails so I suppose my
“beauty” costs are pretty nil.
At work, people keep telling me I need new clothes. When I
try to explain I’m on a limited budget, their eyes sort of glaze over and they
move on to something else. I will continue to wash and wear the clothes I have
and at least be clean.
And most importantly I can pray. I need a miracle from God to help me figure
this out. It’s painful yes, but certainly not as painful as many people who
face getting the news they have cancer, or some other fatal disease. It’s only
stuff and it’s foolish that I should hold such attachment to things. It speaks
to the fact my spiritual life still needs to be fine-tuned, to say the least.
In the Bible, I like the story of Peter, impetuous, getting
out of the boat to go to Jesus. Peter hadn’t walked on water before, it wasn’t
in his vocabulary. But, in the moment,
he was so excited to see Jesus walking on the water he lost all sense of
reality, as he knew it, and threw himself into the experience. For me, now, facing this economic crisis, I
will have to set aside personal wants and likes, and throw myself into the
water believing that God will enable me to walk over these waves.
When my faith wavers, I will reach out like Peter and say,
“Lord, save me, I’m drowning!” And God
in His infinite wisdom, kindness and mercy will reach down and lift me up and
set me in safety.
Recently someone said, don’t look at how big your mountain
is, focus on how big your God is. I am
going to try to do that with the present issue. I will let you know how things
work out, in hopes that my struggles will encourage you in your own struggles.
One of the last things I will give up in my Weight Watchers
meetings. I have gained so many helps for healthier living. I’ve lost thirty
pounds, a family member has lost forty, and I’ve gained strength for the
journey.
Being with other people
trying to improve the quality of their health has been a wonderful experience.
I’ve enjoyed the last six months immensely.
Well, I’m off and about my day. Think the beloved mini-van is the vehicle I’m
choosing to sell. Silly of me to be so fond of it, but there have been so many
happy outings with family, it’s like saying goodbye to an old friend.
Best of everything to you for your weekend. May your mountains
be faced with the assurance there is a God who hears and answers prayers, and
may your joy come in the morning.
Do not fear, for you
will not be ashamed, neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame.
For your Maker, is your husband, The Lord of hosts is His name. For a mere
moment I have forsaken you, but with great mercies, I will gather you. And with
everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you.
Excerpts
from Isaiah 54
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