Day - 85 the next stage of the journey

      Sitting in the sunlight living room of my home in my mom’s old recliner. It’s a moment out of time when I can just sit and let the undone chores cease their beckoning. Our ancient cat, Winnie, gives herself a bath while basking in the sun. She’s getting pesky in her old age and is likely to bother me each and every early morning for her bowl of milk. She’s fourteen years old and has been our companion through many and varied stages of life.

     Now, not retired, just tired I’m gearing up for this last leg of my journey. I have a while yet before the final downsizing occurs and the pressures to maintain the status-quo of house, car, and myriad bills  keeps tap, tapping on my awareness. But, for this moment of time, I will sit in the sun and reflect on who I am and how I came to be.

     A glance out the dining room window today revealed yet more downed trees in the deep forested ravine. The creek, taking it’s own hiatus from chaos gently flows through the ravine towards the mighty Columbia River. Yesterday, awake in the wee morning hours, I was serenaded by the call of  fog horns from ships making their through the midst of the fog-shrouded river to the ocean, and the wide open sea. 

     Much of my life has involved waiting for the next ‘shoe to drop’. So many times in my life, God has appeared at that last moment and provided a way of escape so that the impending disaster was averted. Sometimes, the feared appeared but with halting steps I made my way through, my spiritual hand tucked tightly in God’s. And now, moment by moment I appropriate strength to tackle whatever’s next. The increase of Social Security taxes hit me hard, another 60 dollars out of an already dwindling pay check. Ever hopeful, I worked on my tax return to discover that instead of a healthy thousand plus refund, it too had dwindled to a mere 150 token check.

      I realize, in every pore, that I am still  and all incredibly wealthy by much of the world’s standard. We are still eating, although on modified fare, and the utilities, shut off notices aside are still on. I try to envision 3^rd world children digging through garbage dumps for scraps of food, but cannot. I know it’s true, but it is so far removed from where I am tucked into a small Oregon town, living on a hillside enjoying the warmth of the sun in a peaceful comfortable chair.

     Missionaries come to visit our church; news programs show of disaster and I try to wrap my mind around the realities facing others gaining perspective on what my own woes might be. The sun is making me sleepy and so much I want to kick back fall to sleep and face things later, but I want to finish my thoughts, to spell out some kind of plan of how to get through this fog of an aging American grandmother caught in the economic crunch.

     This week at work, my group of men, many years of prison and jail between them, rebelled and I, aging grandmother that I am had to play the “heavy” and lay down the rules. It was, and is exhausting to hear the complaints, to experience the anger, the drama, and hold the line steady.  Many of them I’m sure are working through unresolved family of origin issues. Others are quite blunt with the fact they hate authority of any kind, and I am in a role of authority. I pray, seek God’s patience, God’s grace and try to accept them for who they are. To be kind, after they have been unkind. Sometimes, it’s impossible not to wonder if all this trying to change them helps in the long run.  In graduation, I gave a speech that called them to consider their connection with God. To look at the disconnect with their spiritual side as an indicator that unless fixed the journey towards chaos would continue, with jail, prison or death as the final destination.  One man came up to me afterwards and said he liked what I said. Will he try to implement any of the ideas in his own life? Only God knows.

     Somewhat like me and this convoluted working after 60 experience, my rose bushes are confused and are putting out their tender new shoots, unaware much winter is still upon us. They will freeze over in the next storm and try again the next few sunny days. My dogs, laying in the sun on the back deck are enjoying the sun also. They’re not worried I’ll forget to feed them but are in the moment. They are simple and trusting, and not anxious about the future. Do I want to be like them, oblivious to possible realities good and bad and blissfully ignorant? 

  No of course not, but I would like to take a page out of the pages of faith journal and write my name and life across the pages in bold strokes of a confident believer. At this very moment, I confess I’m enjoying the sun but still waiting for the clouds to come. I will continue to pray, read my Bible and moment by moment place my feet on the path as revealed, that moment, that day. Something will happened, good or bad and the tension will cease. That is a promise in the Bible that He never gives us more than we can bear, that sorrow only last for a night, and joy will finally come in the morning.

     Today, now, I am safe and I have food. I have clothes to wear and a place to live. I am rich. I will count my blessings and let go of those things and situations which I cannot control or change. Much like the child who struggled to swim only to discover floating; I am struggling to survive until I finally, thoroughly understand faith.

To each of you struggling with your own mountains and trials, look up; God is still on the throne and prayer changes things. Be blessed.