Day 81 - Snowing on a New Year's eve

Hello to all,
    Yesterday after Sunday morning church I drove to the Oregon coast. The day was sunny, blue clear skies. The closer we got to the ocean the warmer it got. We decided to hike around Coffenbury Lake at Fort Stevens State park.  The parking lot, almost empty looked out on the sun-lit, shining lake. An occasional fish jumped, a bird or two swam lazily around, trailing swirls in the water.
     We set out, hiking around flooded spots on the trail. The deep woods shadowed the trail, cushioned with layers of pine needles so we strode noiselessly through the forest.  Surprisingly many trees were down across the trail, testimony to a recent windstorms havoc. About a 1/2 mile down the trail I could see sun on the tops of the trees on the side of the lake we were on.  Looking up through the forest to the hill I had a sudden thought, "Maybe I can see the ocean from the top of that hill!" 
   Off I went climbing the hill through the thigh-high undergrowth. I pressed through, ignoring the steep climb and going up and up reaching for the top. Finally I made it and looked out across the hill. "Nuts!" It was still too far away to see the waves. We continued on, soft footsteps in a world of winter beauty. The lake, still shimmering, silver ripples of nature's beauty quietly sitting in the sun a companion to the hike. 
    We kept on, quickening the pace after the climb up a long hill and the gradual descent. A couple with their dogs walked past us with the warning, "You can't get around, it's too flooded."  We kept on, thinking perhaps their attachment to their expensive shoes might have tempered their enthusiasm to brave the water. Finally we rounded the end of the lake and discovered the flood, where two lakes joined they had become one, the trail burried beneath.
   "We'll have to go back," I told my grandson, it's too deep. We decided to take a side trail that wound through the deep woods to an access trail. Here, no sounds entered except the chirp of a bird or two.  We were alone in the sun, the forest, and the trail. Headed away from the Lake we hiked for a long while, sure that around the next bend we would see the road to Iredale.  A trail, small, almost like a deer trail wound off to the left. We looked at each other, "Let's go!" For about a mile we hiked, often flooded out, we've brave through the brush picking our footsteps on drier ground. Hoof prints of horses joined our own footprints and we wound deeper into the uncharted woods. Ahead, I could hear the surf, pounding softly. The sky, still blue with golden sun called to us, "Over here."
    Intent, we continued until up ahead we saw dunes, excitedly we climbed and saw the ocean, beautiful, serene, a windless unseasonably warm day to treasure. We beach-combed for a while, enjoying the freshness of the salt-sea air, the relaxing sound of the waves and the beauty of nature untarnished.
   The sun began setting with the red-hued tones and I cautioned my young companion that we'd better try to hike back to the lake. We set out on the bike trail hiking a good pace. Up and down a few gentle hills, so dear to us with many days of memories past made over years times.
   The Lake, finally reached still waited with the darker shades of night upon his mirrored surface. We munched, crisp, sun-kissed golden delicious apples and tried to start a fire in an old rock fireplace.  Finally, worn from the 5 plus mile hike we decided to call it a day and head home.  It had been truly the end of a wonderful afternoon.                
     Today, New Year's Eve afternoon, I look out on a white winter snowstorm. It's been snowing for several hours and it shows no signs of stopping. I'm at a daughter's home, tucked into a warm couch, computer on my lap. I live up a hill or two and part of me whispers, "You know you'll be walking up the hill to your house today...."  But the part of me that wants to be with family remains.  
    And so, New Year's Eve plans have changed, the blanket of white creating a schedule born on doing whats safe.
    At home, there is another room I'm anxious to deep-clean.  All the kitchen cupboards scrubbed and re-organized I'm on to the next project. But it can wait. I will set a spell and enjoy my day off and wait for the year 2012 to wind slowly down. 

   To all of you saying goodbye to your year, best regards. May the new year hold blessings for you all.

Day 80 - Once upon a New Year's Eve.......

Coffee near, fragrant brew of freshly ground beans. What a luxury! Still dark, the world in my neighborhood is still asleep or nursing their own coffee cups before facing the Saturday before New Years.

 Been reading through the Epistles in my Bible. My Bible, underlined, notes in the margins bears testimony to my efforts to understand what I’m reading. Now, years later I ask God to renew my spirit and understanding to connect with the essence of the spiritual truths.  It’s challenging because so much of me is in the world now. My world by in large is the treatment center and my client’s. Some sixty plus hours a week my energies, emotions, thoughts, are connected with my job. My job, through it’s very nature is in many ways light years away from reading the Bible.

In some ways, it’s as if I have a job making wooden boxes. All day long, I make boxes. I use the tools, I get the wood from the outside piles, I clean the mess. I inspect the boxes, I count the boxes.  I am supposed to make so many boxes a day. I have to rush all day long because the number of boxes I have to make require I work at a fever pitch to get them done. I don’t have much time to visit with other employees; I am committed to my task. Yes, I want to make the best boxes I can, but the sheer number required means I have to just make them as fast as I can and try not to grimace over the lack of quality.

That’s what my job is like in many ways. I have my intellect, my experience, my training, my spiritual side, my creativity, but I also have specific tasks; groups, lectures, audits, reports, discharge summaries, rule violations, emails to correction’s officers, 1x1’s and the list goes on. I have a lot of to do’s  and only so much time to get them done. I am rushing, rushing, rushing most of the time. Making the transition to have a holistic spiritual approach that incorporates the wisdom I gain from prayer and Bible reading is an ideal but implemented that with the task at hand is a whole ‘nother kettle of fish.

Today, reading through I Thessalonians, I tried to glean wisdom and knowledge for now. In my mind, the thought arose, “Just keep reading, some of it will stick.” So I continue to read, pray, attend church and hope that the good work that Jesus began in my life will continue. Why do I hope that? Because the awareness is ever before me that the need of others and myself is greater than my own competencies.  I am someone who senses the real need to connect with God just be a person who can be someone who makes a difference.

If you’re like me, you’re thinking about what your New Year’s resolutions are going to be.

 For me, I have specifics;

1.   Continue on my quest to become fit. Don’t quit, never give up.
2.   Bump up my efforts a couple notches on exercise and healthy eating.
3.   Make concrete goals with incremental steps linked to achievable goals and rewards for success.
4.   Somehow find the way to visit Disney World again in 2013.
5.   I want to make a greater effort to reach out to family, those near and far.
6.   To attempt that each day I would go above and beyond in helping the individuals whose lives I touch.
7.   To connect with God in a deeper, richer way where I become more in tune with His purpose, His love, and His compassion.
8.   To downsize my home and get really, truly organized.
9.   To fulfill my promises and commitments
10.  To try and become more attractive, well-groomed as a Senior citizen.  Age gracefully.

        In many ways I love New Year’s.  As a child, we attended “Watch Night” services at the church. We had food, music, games, a message. It was fun. We also had mega treats at home, a celebration where we stayed up late and welcomed the New Year in. With my own children, we had lots of food, a movie or two for home, and together we’d watch the New Year in and shout out to the neighborhood our welcome.

        This year, scaled down to healthier food choices, I’ll miss the treats, but realize it’s all part of a greater good.

 I may or may not stay up until 12, certainly I’ll try to buy a movie for family to watch, and provide treats for them.

      New Year, new beginnings, it can and will be a fun and exciting time of putting the past behind. Of savoring the good memories, gingerly putting the painful ones to rest. When I was little I loved to hear George Beverly Shea sing. He was part of the Billy Graham Crusade team. My parents bought one of his records for our first stereo system. One of the songs he often sang in the crusades included a refrain; “many things about tomorrow I can’t seem to understand, but I know who holds my future, and I know who holds my hand.” I can hear him singing that right now in my memories and I believe that sums up my world view for the coming year.

      I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I do know God has seen me through some really tough times this year. When I feared all was lost financially we somehow made it through. When I feared my strength was gone, he renewed it. When my joy departed, it returned in a quieter, more solemn way. He has been faithful when I’ve been filled with doubt. He has been loving when I’ve experienced hatred. In my lack, He supplied my need.

May your New Year be filled with the awareness of His presence. A sense of care that through it all as you keep turning over the cares of your life to a loving Savior He will supply your every need with His riches in glory.

Have a wonderful New Year’s celebrations and see you in 2013!  I have enjoyed sharing with you over this last year, be loved and be blessed. Happy New Year!

Day 78 – Christmas Eve – a time to reflect

 

 

Yesterday, I talked about accepting the fact my house will not be spotless in this lifetime.  Today, I woke up at 3 am and started cleaning a fact I can only attribute to someone, somewhere praying that God would infuse me with new life and energy for housecleaning. Awake, pitch dark, I see the shadow of the people across the street, also awake walking through their home. Another neighbor, celebrating Christmas early has stay over guests parked in front of my house.  Sometimes this is a good thing if the celebrations involve drinking, one less drinking driver on the highways.

And so now, day ahead the memories of Christmas past hover on the horizon of my mind. I was so fortunate to have a family who celebrated Christmas.  Decorations, special food, lots of presents, I was rich with family and holiday spirit.  I realize, my own holiday spirit is less than normal, I accept that money might play a part and I try to recoup the wonder and mystery I felt as a child watching the story of the birth of Jesus unfold in Christmas pageants’, films, and Scripture readings.

The story of Baby Jesus, the shepherds and wise men is rich with imagery that evokes a spirit of hope and belief that God sent His Son to live with us and understand what we experience.  It is less easy to consider the cross, crucifixion, death and burial of that same Jesus.  Somehow the Christmas story is usually told apart from that same message of redemption where Jesus arises from the death, speaks to His disciples, rises to heaven with the promise to return.

Christmas Eve, a time of expectation for many.  For others, a blue time of facing the harder things of life, death, disease, poverty, divorce, abuse. I am, this year, a spectator of sorts; doing what I can to connect with family yet really not reaching out to others. I believe in my heart of hearts, that soon, a door will open and I will step through that door into full time service helping people in another country.  It is a persistent belief, born from the small child’s heart that heard missionary stories and went forward to the altar of the small Baptist Church to say, “Here and I, send me.”

I may discover, it is only a wish and dream but for now it feels like everything I am doing in my job is preparation for a bigger mission field. My mother lived to 91 and had good health up until the last year of her life. At 62 I am blessed with extremely good health and strength so only God knows.  I do know the awareness grows of the disparity of quality of life and a sense of wishing I could do something pervades my thoughts.

And back to now. I did not finish my work, so I have to drive 63 miles to my job, finish the reports, race to the stores and buy last minute gifts and food for Christmas dinner. I know and am aware how fortunate I am to be able to have a job in this time of high unemployment. I am truly blessed.  As the reports come in at my small church of cancer, and disease, I realize how fortunate I am to celebrate health now. As someone grateful for the birth of a Savior who lives to give us new life, I am forever celebrating Christmas.  Thank you Jesus.

Today if you are reading this my hopes are that you know the love of Jesus in your own life.  Without Jesus, the trials and disappointments of life can threaten to overwhelm and discourage. Without Jesus the future can look bleak and filled with despair. With Jesus, the darkest night can miraculously turn into dawn, the weeping of night can someday turn into joy in the morning. Have a blessed Christmas Eve.

 

 

Day 77 Loose ends..........

Day 77 – Loose ends…………..

     As the Christmas season winds down and the New Year approaches I find myself waking up with a sense of not having accomplished the goals I set for myself.  I have a “discombobulated” kind of awareness that there are a thousand loose ends I did not get to. In order to survive emotionally, I’ve moved on and I’ve taken grief and loss over recent national events and tucked them away. I turn off the news, tried to regroup and carve out what happiness I can from this season.

        Yesterday, at work we had our annual Christmas party. Lots of food, tables of it. It was fun to be with people I’ve gotten to know over the course of several years. We’ve weathered the ups, downs, and challenges of working in a large inpatient treatment facility. We exchanged small gifts, got our staff Christmas card, and ate platefuls of food. I skipped the cookies and fudge and had fruit, cheese, meat, and a tiny sliver of delicious cheesecake.

        A client talent show rounded out the day. It was kind of a strange little moment, being in the cafeteria, exit blocked by 100 plus clients, watching them perform their show. Fleetingly I realized I had no way out and breathed a sigh of relief that I don’t suffer from claustrophobia. Afterwards, I rushed to tackle month end reports, which incidentally I didn’t get done and will have to drive in Christmas Eve day to finish, (a day which I had scheduled as a holiday a month ago).

        Home again; I see a thousand projects here and there waiting for the moments when I have time and energy to finish them. Photos to put in albums; drawers to organize; bills to sort; clothes to fold; letters to write; pets to bathe; and on and on it goes. Working long days (with the 2.5 hour daily commute thrown in) I’ve fallen into the routine of doing only what’s strictly necessary around the house. My hobbies; music, sewing, painting, writing, I think wistfully about and have the “someday” myth that comforts me as I rush, rush, rush about. I know I’m not alone in this struggle to be the mom, the cook, the housekeeper, worker, and head of household person.

        At age 62, retirement right now is not an option, I’ve done the math, and unless that cardboard box condominium comes via UPS, I simply can’t live on Social Security. My home alone costs more than the monthly stipend.  Yikers!

        And so, on I go. But God is good, and I am still strong and healthy. I realize that could change, but for now that’s where I’m at. I want to take inventory and be thankful for what I have; not the have nots; nor the not quite good enough:

Healthy, Strong, I can: see, hear, walk, hike, swim, ride bikes, think, type, create, read, sing, talk, lecture, counsel. I have: Bible, relationship with God, faith, family, friends,  job, skills for job, office with a window and heater, in a Union, home church, house, heat, lights, water, bed, blankets, refrigerator, stove, TV, computer, food, car, pets, safety, clothes,  dishes, towels, washer and dryer, hot water, view from home, knowledge of how to get help if I lose job; peace, healthy self-esteem, confidence, courage, drive, intelligence, motivation, leadership skills.

 

I will accept, I’m not perfect. I will be thankful for what I have and try with God’s help to do better today. I will accept a “C” in life, and not feel I have to be “A+” to be ‘good enough’.

 

     Self-introspection aside, I continue to find bits and pieces of Christmas tucked away here and there; carols on the radio, getting snowed in, a call from a friend, a well-wishing card, a plate of cookies, a bag of coffee beans, the beauty of lighted houses and trees, delight on a grandchild’s face as they get something fun and new, the glow of our church candlelight service, the inner thankfulness that Jesus did come and will help me now as I place my hand, and undone tasks in His and trust He can help me sort things out.

        This am, I will go to my Weight Watchers meeting and check on the damage done after a week of free goodies everywhere. I will recoup, and begin again. I will sort out the tasks I need to do and try to get them done, as best I can. No, nothing will be done the way I wish I could get it done but I will accept the fact I won’t have the spotless house in this lifetime and not beat myself up about it.  With God’s help I will try to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and have the wisdom to know the difference.

        For those of you reading this, Merry Christmas.  My prayers go out to  each of you as you take your own journey to Bethlehem. May the God of all comfort fill you with joy and peace in believing.

 

       

Blogy 76 - Blizzard and then

 

Hello to all. After waking up before 5 am, getting ready for work, I drove for 30 minutes in a white out, can't see anything blizzard. The snow was piling up on the highway and I thought nuts; the biggest hills are yet to come. So, 20 miles an hour, tops, I pulled into our church parking lot and drove the ten miles home. Once there, the school district called with an update, that school was closed.  I settled in and realized, I wasn't going anywhere today.

 

Later, I called my Supervisor, who wasn't all that excited to hear the news. "There's no snow here," he added somewhat miffed. It's funny how 65 miles, and several hundred feet of elevation can make such a big difference in the snow.

 

After, cleaning, washing clothes, dishes, looking around for projects I discovered at 3 pm I was bored to death. I'm on Weight Watchers and baking is NOT an option right now. I'm not in the mood for sewing and everything on TV seemed so stupid. So here I am at the little city library typing away.

 

Most of this last few days I keep sending up prayers when I think of the families suffering from the recent horrible tragedies. I'm trying to be nice to family, pleasant, say the right holiday things, but really, given other people's sorrow I feel so fake, so insensitive to talk about trivial things. I'm on the email address from the United States web site for NIDA.  They sent me an email that they are offering free counseling for people impacted by the tragedies.  I realize it would be presumption on my part to even think, my grief for families I don't know in any way shape or form merits counseling.

 

I continue to pray, read my Bible and do mundane things. Life goes on. It will be tinged with sadness for all of us who wish we could in some way offer our comfort to the hearts of people mourning their loved ones.

 

I sit next to books, long my comforting friends of youth long ago and think, maybe I'll check out a book and try to read. But, the use of my eyes for computer work is already taxed so I just give them a longing, brief look.

 

Soon, I'll pack up and drive back to my home before the gray snow clouds begin their soft blanketing snow and make my hill an impossible drive, finding me slip-sliding my way up, down, and up again trying to get home.

 

To those of you around the world facing Christmas with your own load of sorrows my prayers are with you. Weeping may endure for a night, or a season, but joy will finally come in the morning. 

Blog 75 Sometimes words fail in the night of weeping

There are have been times in my own life when the sorrow of my heart was so great I could only cry out in grief, anger and despair. At those times, no words could reach my aching heart. I have yelled at God, demanding to know why He could allow such pain and then cry into the darkness.

Today I know there are many families dealing with their inconsolable grief and loss. I do not know them personally but I can pray. Millions of us are praying for these families who were victims of senseless violence.  Recently, I was gifted with a wrist bracelet with two words on it, Only God. I do not have answers for, “Why?”  I do not have answers for, “How could a loving God allow this to happen?” All I know is that through the dark valleys of my own life, through the grief and despair only God has been able to help me through.

I don’t discount human kindness and compassion, but when all is said and done, there are wounds of the soul that only a supernatural act of God can reach. There is a trite saying, “Time heals all wounds.” Personally I think that’s bunk. Time does not heal all wounds. I only have to listen to the stories of my clients to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that time doesn’t heal any deep, gaping sorrow. Only God can heal the broken-hearted. I wrote and sang a song once, a mournful cry of a soul recounting the only comfort for a broken heart.

He is the God of the broken-hearted

He is the God makes the blind eyes see

He is the God who heals my sorrow,

He is the God who healeth Thee.

He is Jehovah, Lord God Almighty,

Everlasting king is He.

And He will answer when you call Him

And your help and comfort be.

 

It is a weird kind of Christmas. People are unsure of what to do, how to celebrate now in the midst of the awareness of these tragedies. Life can’t just ‘return to normal’. We as a nation have been changed, our sense of wholeness and safety torn as the realization comes, once again, life is fragile, and easily taken by a whim of a tortured soul.    

For me, daily facing the horrors of life can be, as clients share their tortured childhoods, violent pasts, troubled hearts and minds, it is again a challenge to seek God to find hope in the middle of the horror; to find peace in the midst of the storm. Answering the question, “How can I be happy in the middle of these realities? How can I celebrate in the middle of knowing people are suffering horribly?” I can only say I will pray and seek God. I will mourn in spirit for the death of these children and adults. Through that mourning I will try to value the moments I have with my own loved ones, however fleeting. To continue to try to share the love of Christ with the people I work with at the treatment center, knowing that no matter how much I give, it is only as people turn to Jesus that they will discover for themselves the strength to live in the midst of an uncertain, at times frightening world.

To each of you trying to rediscover the joy of the season may God grant you a renewed revelation of Himself, His love and His healing and His peace.

Psalms 23: 1- 4

The Lord is my shepherd, I have everything I need. He lets me rest in green meadows, He leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.

Only God…………….

 

 

Day 74 The desires of my heart

Day 74- The Desires of my heart

            It is 4 am here, I am up awake. Coffee is brewing, heater is turned up to ward away the morning chill. In the earlier half-waking, half-sleeping moments paperwork to be filed filled my head until the realization broke through it was Saturday and I have a reprieve from the world of work, and files and unending expectations.

            This week was a good week for me. Increasingly my prayers focus on asking God to change the desires of my heart. Myself, the wishing, longing for Disneyworld is something I personally can't change. The fact is, I love that place and have a sense of loss that I'll miss the Christmas season this year. Many of you, will have no problem in seeing that love as perhaps a shallow side of me that in view of world hunger, war, poverty etc. is only pleasure seeking.  But still, I feel so happy there. The music, the flowers, the beautiful buildings, shows and costumes all combine to create a place where I feel safe, happy and free. I love the rides, the exhibits, everything.  I can walk for twelve hours there and still have a sense of excitement to want to see more, and more.

            I had the joy of visiting Disneyworld seven times in the last eight or nine years. I know each street in all the parks.  I have my favorite restaurants, shady corners to sit and relax. But, alas, I can't go this year. I have the time off, I just don't have the money.

            But, and this is huge, I've been trying to count the blessings I do have which are many. I have a large, comfortable home. Family who I love and get to see. A church where I've attended for ten years and people 'know my name'. I am extremely healthy. I have a job I am good at.  The list goes on, and on.

            The awareness of the wishing, wanting Disneyworld has presented me with the fact that it's entirely possible that I might be displeasing God.  That my ungrateful spirit somehow is insulting. The Bible is full of stories of people who grumbled, and complained after enjoying so many blessings. The message is clear that repeatedly those attitudes of heart displeased God. I certainly am not a theologian by any means. I know on a real human plane, being unhappy, ungrateful can cause a whole attitude of life that touches everything and everyone you come in contact with.

            If you lose your joy, the essence of who you are becomes tinged with sadness and disillusionment and the message of your life becomes one of despair. I do not want to be that person. And so, I lift my heart and soul to God and tell Him honestly to change the desires of my heart, to create in me a new heart, a new mind. I continue to read my Bible, to try to allow the verses to sink in and I wait.

            In the meanwhile, I continue to walk, weather permitting. Yesterday, it was a lull in the rain and my friend and I set out on our noontime hike. He wanted to go back up in the wood trail. I told him, honestly I was a little freaked out after having chest pains last week, but he insisted and told me if I hurt we could go back. We hiked up the steep hill to the woods and I didn't feel any twinges of pain what-so-ever. Finally the woods trail appeared and we shuffled through piles of leaves, up, up and around the loop that  covers the crest of the hill. In the valleys we can see, different fields and vista's were tinged with the yellow  kiss of the sun. The woods floor, waking briefly before it's winter nap, was covered with new green growth of grass and tiny plants, making their last hurrah before winter.

            We hiked for about an hour before returning to our building and our afternoon's work. It is a wonderful privilege to be strong enough to be able to enjoy the hills and woods. I am trying to store up the sights, smells, and views for the days when I am unable to visit those hills.

            At work, my group room is being painted with wall murals. It is funny how much joy that is bringing me. To see the dull, lifeless wallpaper leave. To watch as clean white paint goes up to cover and hide the blemishes of years old wear and tear. Then to share in watching the creative processes as my guys choose and decide what they want to put on the walls. I've had eons of opportunity to walk as getting cleaning supplies and paint has become part of my daily routine. We've had fun finding pictures, transferring them to overhead projector sheets, and then watching as the pictures appear magically on the walls.

            Right now one wall is becoming a castle with Robin Hood. My group name, Robin's Hoods, is a play on words groups past picked for our name. They are self-admitted "Hoods" (albeit in the process of reformation). I am Robin. Another wall, has a huge majestic eagle, overlooking a native Tee-pee village. Our treatment center has many different cultures represented and I believe it's important for everyone to feel at home.  I do not know what else they will come up with, but the transformation of color, design and beauty is a wonderful thing to see. It has been one of the better experiences of work.

            The delightful smell of coffee is coming down the hall and I want to go grab a cup. Ah, the first cup of coffee in the morning. The desire of my heart is to love more, to learn to be content with what I have. To allow God to fine-tune my life so I am more of a comfort, than one who contends. One who cares more than one who criticizes. One who commends, not someone who complains.

            So, the day stretches before me. I have my routine, (which I like), read my devotionals and Bible, go to my Weight Watchers meeting; do the weekly grocery shopping. And then......   It is the and then moments that fill me with a sense of excitement. I am so lucky! I can choose to do a whole bunch of different things with my time. I will have over six hours of daylight where I could go to the zoo, the ocean, the river, the mountains, movies. I love Saturdays.

            Christmas is ten days away but this year shopping won't consume me, it can't, the money is just not there. But, I still have enough to drive somewhere and enjoy the beauty of winter before the ice and snow set in. In that sense I am wealthy.

            I'm going to grab more coffee and spend some time in my Bible. I'm hoping to find some verses that capture what I'm trying to say here. I'll share what I find. Back in a few.

            Well, I've read dozens of verses in Isaiah and Proverbs. I believe I like this verse the best this morning, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3: 5-6

            I think that it sums up what I'm trying to say. In my own mind, the things I want Disneyworld, shopping, helping others are in my own 'understanding'. God can infuse, inspire and instruct my mind with His will as I continue to follow Him. I am continuing to become a new creature through virtue of my acceptance of Jesus Christ into my heart and life. I am being transformed by the renewing of my mind.  For me, it's kind of a slow process, but the good news is, I am rediscovering my joy in little things. Coffee, group room murals, hikes, crunchy green apples, so many blessings I have that are beginning to fill my life with a sense of gratefulness that is changing my outlook, and my sense of expectancy.

            Well, my day has begun and I wonder if I will have lost more weight? Soon I will be on the Weight Watchers scale. I hope so since I've eaten a bushels full of vegetables and fruit this week, that's for sure.

(Note: watched the news and the horror and shock of the senseless death of a classroom of children fills the news. Horrible beyond belief, my prayers go out to the families of these young children. I do not have answers, I do not understand I can only pray for God to comfort these families in the midst of unbelievable sorrow.)

            May each of you, faced with life’s challenges find joy and hope in believing. May the God of all comfort fill you with peace.

 

 

 

Day 73 The Every-day-ness of things

 

     Woke up at 3 am today. Wide awake, projects needing to be done beckoning me. I thought over the cost the change to my schedule might bring and decided against getting up to tackle any chores. I sang hymns in my mind until I fell back asleep. Then at 5 am, the alarm, still forgottenly set for work, woke me up again. So here I am, Sunday stretching before me.

This morning, I can't help but wonder what I'm supposed to do. The every-day-ness of my life sometimes seems to be so far away from a grand plan. There used to be an expression when I was young, "They are so heavenly minded they are no earthly good." I guess in some ways, I am that person. Looking for the divine plan to be revealed for a greater good, a broader scope, a bigger outlook, and all the while somewhat disdaining the mundane such as laundry, dishes, paying bills, washing pets, and the like. Where does this illusion come from? Why is it that many of us are forever planning our tomorrows and ceasing to live to the fullest in the now?

I'm not sure, this I do know. Each moment is a mixture of all; thinking about the past, living in the present and planning for the future. The Bible is full of this anomaly. We build on the past, it's triumphs, failures and lessons. We give, live, and interact in the now. We plan, prepare and look forward to the future.

So, with that being said, how do I learn to be happy in the moment, accepting what I have, who I am, and having the awareness that God supersedes, superintends, orchestrates and watches over every step I take? For me, it is a journey of faith, as if I am walking on a suspended bridge over a deep ravine. Occasionally that bridge starts to swing and I lose my footings. I have to reach up, grab God's hand to steady me. The bridge is enormously long, and the end of it gets hidden from view by the mountain clouds filling the deep ravine. I call out, I pray, losing hope that the end will ever come. Sometimes, there are missing places in the bridge and I have to move carefully, placing each foot in front of me with care. I hang on tightly to the edges of the rope supporting the bridge, making my way along.

  Analogy aside, the song, "Each step I take, the Savior walks besides me, and with his hands he gently leads the way" runs through my mind. All of the devotionals I read written my anyone who has had a substantial time of walking with Jesus agree on one thing, this walk is a journey. In that journey there are mountains to climb, valleys to go through. Through all of these obstacles, God will help us through as we turn to Him, seek His face and will, and trust and obey. He will never forsake us. We may suffer, we may go through the fire, but we will make it through the to the other side, whether in this world or the next.

And so, what is the practical application for how to be grounded in this world while preparing for the next? Well, I believe it's finding the right balance. My understanding of what God wants for my life, can't be your understanding. It's a very personal walk where each individual finds the path God has chosen for them. Yes, there are some givens, some mutually accepted premises that it's the wiser course to follow. That's where religion, law, culture come in. They define a code of behavior that is mutually agreed upon. In Christianity, it often happens that the standard norm of the culture contradicts what we believe, and it is there that the challenges begin.

So back to the every-day-ness of life, the basics. We need food, we need shelter, we need water, we need clothes, we need money to get those things, we need a job or resource to get money. Those elements prescribe that certain things need to be done. In this country, most of us have the luxury of being able to achieve those things with time left over. It's not that way everywhere. Many places people have to work all their waking hours just to achieve those things. The fact that thousands, maybe millions aren't achieving even the basics is a sobering thought that challenges each of us to look at how we might help.

For this short moment, I am in a work routine where I work five days a week, support my family, and have time left mostly on the two weekend days to pursue brief moments to myself and my family. Often I feel rushed to try to get things done, and accept that some things never get done the way I wish they could get done.

Working towards the greater good, I have to accept that as I do my job, the hope is that as I show care and understanding to my clients, perhaps they will change and "pay it forward" so to speak by stopping their criminal activities, and addictive use. Perhaps I can be light in a dark place at work?

My family, pushed to the side often by my work schedule, I can pray for. Often I'm too tired, or too busy to spend time with them, and the nagging awareness of this lack comes knocking on my mind. Moms and grandmothers who work miss out on so much. But then, if I broaden my horizon to a global outlook, there are mom's and grandmothers in other places who suffer because they don't have the food to feed their children, the medical care to help their sick children, the strength because of their own illnesses to care for their children.

I guess, it's important to use the Bible as a resource to gauge my life by, "Having food and clothes, be content." There was another song sung in the church I grew up in, "Brighten the corner, where you are. Brighten the corner where you are. Someone far from harbor you may guide across the bar, brighten the corner where you are."

An Oregonian, who loves the Columbia River, this song is especially significant. Near Astoria, where the mouth of the mighty Columbia River meets the ocean, the sand collects in vast, underwater bars. These bars have sunk many ships over hundreds of years. Now we have "bar pilots" who are required to be on the huge ships to pilot them safely across to deep water.

Jesus is the God of the now, the every-day, and the future. Celebrating his birthday, Christmas, I will try to be in tune with Him and the season, learning to celebrate in the now and the every-day-ness of my life.

Today, in your every-day life, take hope in the knowledge that God loves you. He will guide you across the troubled seas to a safe harbor as you continue to place your hand in His. Have a blessed day and I'll talk at you soon.

(P.S. getting ready for church just now, the thought came to me to look in a certain place for my camera. (After looking for several weeks without finding it). I looked and it was there! Hurray! I will transfer the photos today. Thank you God!)

Day 72 - Weekend Reprieve

     It is early morning on Saturday here, still dark, quiet, except the echoes of a lumber yard situated way across the valley. I hug the awareness to me that I have two full days to myself, away from the demands of work. I have still to decorate my home for Christmas and hopes of no rain today dance in my head along with visions of great sales and easy shopping.

     Earlier this week I had a strange experience, sort of a wake up call for me. A clear sunny day beckoned and my walking buddy came with the request,"Let's go, it'll be dry enough for the wood hike." Hungry I woofed down an apple in large bites. One large piece seemed to get stuck going down to my stomach. It seemed to lodge directly beneath my heart. It hurt, a lot. We started out our walk, a fairly steep incline and the pain continued. At 62, chest pain, isn't a good thing that's for sure. I asked him to slow down, but he used to me being a hiking warrior, pressed on. The sun was shining brightly and it was unseasonably warm.

      We hiked up the hills to where the woods start, and there is a loop through the trees the goes up the crest of the hill and you can see valleys stretching for miles on all sides. It truly is breath-taking. For me, the pain, now sharp continued and finally I told him I needed to go back. I called a family member to advise them that I was experiencing chest pain. My friend, worried, said he'd hike back to work, get his car, and come back and get me. I sat on a cement pier, alone in the woods, looking out over the valley, wondering exactly what I was facing.

     Earlier that day, I had prayed to God about my lack of love in my life for some people. The fact I have lost my camera with tons of vacation photos has bothered me for days. Missing my camera it suddenly became apparaent to me that in some ways I cared more about that camera then I did for some of the people I know. Looking at that reality, it struck home that really, I needed a renewal of the heart of God that had a bigger love, a bigger compassion than I obviously had.

     The co-incidence of the chest pain, on the day I had seriously asked God to give me a 'new heart' of love for others didn't escape me as I sat alone in the sunny woods, wondering if it was the woofed down apples, or an impending heart attack. After ten minutes or so, the pain cleared and I walked down the hills, admiring the valley views and covering the blocks, with the steps back to work and my world.

      My friend, finally showed up with his car and I got in, reassuring him I was ok. He was, and is now more than a little worried about my health. I've had every kind of possible test for heart problems, and I'm ok. I truly believe it was some sort of really bad indigestion from eating too fast, and not chewing my food.

     All that aside, the days following I have been more aware of the lives around me in the throes of pain of their own; health, job, family, career, stress, issues that have created their own 'heart pains.' I have a new consciousness of my attitude and actions as being a source of comfort or brushing them off. Often in my job, since I listen to people and their problems and complaints all day long, I avoid friendships with staff. It's as if I only have so much to give and the clients already have used that up. Now, with kind of an awareness of the fleeting nature of my own life, I'm trying to press beyond that preconception that I need to keep up those boundaries; to be more available emotionally to others.

     For Christmas, because of financial limitations I feel much like I did when I was a child, limited in income. As a child I used to write up little coupons for free job services. Or I would make something. My parents usually gave me money to spend, but it always fell short of what I wanted to give. I was creative, or so I thought. I honestly cannot remember anyone ever redeeming those coupons, but it made me feel good to give them, wrapping them up with care.

     Now, perhaps I am in that 'coupon giving' frame of mind. Maybe no one notices my attempts to listen more, pay attention more, and just be there if I'm needed. That's ok, my desire springs not so much from wanting to be appreciated as a dual wanting to reflect God's love, and wanting to not be so reserved that somebody experiences pain alone because I don't reach out.

     For those of you who consistantly reach out beyond the comfort zone of your life you probably wonder at my struggle to be more to others. Let me compare it to this, say you're a professional baker, and all day long you make bread, cookies, cakes. You breathe baking, you smell baking, you see baking. When you finally get to go home, the last thing you want to do is bake something. In a professional people 'caring' job, when you spend all your time trying to help people, listen to people, re-direct people, and just be there for people, when you're not on the job, you sort of want a break from that. Relaxation, the outdoors, fun, all of these other kinds of activities balance out the drain that professionally caring creates. What happens I've observed is that since the need of clients is inexhaustible, they will use up more and more of my love energy bank if I allow them to, leaving me emotionally unavailable to others. One person described this profession like this, "It's a soul-sucking, thankless job." At it's worst, it can be that. But most of the time, it's not that bad, just challenging.

     Anyway, I'm facing my day today with the awareness that having decreased my hiking after the faux chest pain experience I will have probably gained weight. Yikers! I will go to Weight Watchers anyway and weigh in. I didn't die, I feel fine, I will regroup and move onward. (note after last week's huge weight loss of 3.6, I lost another .4 pounds this week.)

     And so, the dark still blankets the earth where I'm at. The sounds of a few cars begin to fill the early morning air. I read my devotionals, a few Psalms, and I like this passage from Psalms 51,

     "Create in me a new heart, oh God. And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from your prescence, and do not take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me by your generous Spirit." Psalms 51: 10-12

     That same afternoon of the hiking experience, I watched a DVD called, Indescribable. It was a message that in included photos and facts about the universe. There were pictures of various aspects of our universe as seen by the Hubble telescope. The speaker, included facts about how large, how incredibly complex and infinite our universe really is. All of this helped me renew my understanding that it is not really about how big my problems are, but how big my God really is. At church that same night, a missionary to Africa's children had a visual where a child was asked to hold a problem shaped like the world. It seemed too big for her to hold. The missionary removed the problem world, had a larger image of the hand of God, and when placed in that large hand the world problem, didn't seem too big.

     When all is said and done, our perspective on life, others and problems will be forever changed when once we truly get an awareness of just how big God is, and how big his mercy, compassion and forgiveness is through Jesus Christ. May I keep this knowledge before my face as I move out into the holiday season.

Today, in your own life. Be blessed as you seek to touch the face of God. May your burdens be lifted at calvary. Be blessed and find peace.