Day 77 Loose ends..........

Day 77 – Loose ends…………..

     As the Christmas season winds down and the New Year approaches I find myself waking up with a sense of not having accomplished the goals I set for myself.  I have a “discombobulated” kind of awareness that there are a thousand loose ends I did not get to. In order to survive emotionally, I’ve moved on and I’ve taken grief and loss over recent national events and tucked them away. I turn off the news, tried to regroup and carve out what happiness I can from this season.

        Yesterday, at work we had our annual Christmas party. Lots of food, tables of it. It was fun to be with people I’ve gotten to know over the course of several years. We’ve weathered the ups, downs, and challenges of working in a large inpatient treatment facility. We exchanged small gifts, got our staff Christmas card, and ate platefuls of food. I skipped the cookies and fudge and had fruit, cheese, meat, and a tiny sliver of delicious cheesecake.

        A client talent show rounded out the day. It was kind of a strange little moment, being in the cafeteria, exit blocked by 100 plus clients, watching them perform their show. Fleetingly I realized I had no way out and breathed a sigh of relief that I don’t suffer from claustrophobia. Afterwards, I rushed to tackle month end reports, which incidentally I didn’t get done and will have to drive in Christmas Eve day to finish, (a day which I had scheduled as a holiday a month ago).

        Home again; I see a thousand projects here and there waiting for the moments when I have time and energy to finish them. Photos to put in albums; drawers to organize; bills to sort; clothes to fold; letters to write; pets to bathe; and on and on it goes. Working long days (with the 2.5 hour daily commute thrown in) I’ve fallen into the routine of doing only what’s strictly necessary around the house. My hobbies; music, sewing, painting, writing, I think wistfully about and have the “someday” myth that comforts me as I rush, rush, rush about. I know I’m not alone in this struggle to be the mom, the cook, the housekeeper, worker, and head of household person.

        At age 62, retirement right now is not an option, I’ve done the math, and unless that cardboard box condominium comes via UPS, I simply can’t live on Social Security. My home alone costs more than the monthly stipend.  Yikers!

        And so, on I go. But God is good, and I am still strong and healthy. I realize that could change, but for now that’s where I’m at. I want to take inventory and be thankful for what I have; not the have nots; nor the not quite good enough:

Healthy, Strong, I can: see, hear, walk, hike, swim, ride bikes, think, type, create, read, sing, talk, lecture, counsel. I have: Bible, relationship with God, faith, family, friends,  job, skills for job, office with a window and heater, in a Union, home church, house, heat, lights, water, bed, blankets, refrigerator, stove, TV, computer, food, car, pets, safety, clothes,  dishes, towels, washer and dryer, hot water, view from home, knowledge of how to get help if I lose job; peace, healthy self-esteem, confidence, courage, drive, intelligence, motivation, leadership skills.

 

I will accept, I’m not perfect. I will be thankful for what I have and try with God’s help to do better today. I will accept a “C” in life, and not feel I have to be “A+” to be ‘good enough’.

 

     Self-introspection aside, I continue to find bits and pieces of Christmas tucked away here and there; carols on the radio, getting snowed in, a call from a friend, a well-wishing card, a plate of cookies, a bag of coffee beans, the beauty of lighted houses and trees, delight on a grandchild’s face as they get something fun and new, the glow of our church candlelight service, the inner thankfulness that Jesus did come and will help me now as I place my hand, and undone tasks in His and trust He can help me sort things out.

        This am, I will go to my Weight Watchers meeting and check on the damage done after a week of free goodies everywhere. I will recoup, and begin again. I will sort out the tasks I need to do and try to get them done, as best I can. No, nothing will be done the way I wish I could get it done but I will accept the fact I won’t have the spotless house in this lifetime and not beat myself up about it.  With God’s help I will try to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and have the wisdom to know the difference.

        For those of you reading this, Merry Christmas.  My prayers go out to  each of you as you take your own journey to Bethlehem. May the God of all comfort fill you with joy and peace in believing.