Day 77 – Loose
ends…………..
As the Christmas season
winds down and the New Year approaches I find myself waking up with a sense of
not having accomplished the goals I set for myself. I have a “discombobulated” kind of awareness
that there are a thousand loose ends I did not get to. In order to survive
emotionally, I’ve moved on and I’ve taken grief and loss over recent national
events and tucked them away. I turn off the news, tried to regroup and carve
out what happiness I can from this season.
Yesterday, at work we had our annual Christmas party. Lots of
food, tables of it. It was fun to be with people I’ve gotten to know over the
course of several years. We’ve weathered the ups, downs, and challenges of
working in a large inpatient treatment facility. We exchanged small gifts, got
our staff Christmas card, and ate platefuls of food. I skipped the cookies and
fudge and had fruit, cheese, meat, and a tiny sliver of delicious cheesecake.
A client talent show rounded out the day. It was kind of a
strange little moment, being in the cafeteria, exit blocked by 100 plus
clients, watching them perform their show. Fleetingly I realized I had no way
out and breathed a sigh of relief that I don’t suffer from claustrophobia. Afterwards,
I rushed to tackle month end reports, which incidentally I didn’t get done and
will have to drive in Christmas Eve day to finish, (a day which I had scheduled
as a holiday a month ago).
Home again; I see a thousand projects here and there waiting
for the moments when I have time and energy to finish them. Photos to put in albums;
drawers to organize; bills to sort; clothes to fold; letters to write; pets to
bathe; and on and on it goes. Working long days (with the 2.5 hour daily
commute thrown in) I’ve fallen into the routine of doing only what’s strictly
necessary around the house. My hobbies; music, sewing, painting, writing, I
think wistfully about and have the “someday” myth that comforts me as I rush,
rush, rush about. I know I’m not alone in this struggle to be the mom, the
cook, the housekeeper, worker, and head of household person.
At age 62, retirement right now is not an option, I’ve done
the math, and unless that cardboard box condominium comes via UPS, I simply
can’t live on Social Security. My home alone costs more than the monthly
stipend. Yikers!
And so, on I go. But God is good, and I am still strong and
healthy. I realize that could change, but for now that’s where I’m at. I want
to take inventory and be thankful for what I have; not the have nots; nor the
not quite good enough:
Healthy,
Strong, I can: see, hear, walk, hike, swim, ride bikes, think, type, create,
read, sing, talk, lecture, counsel. I have: Bible, relationship with God,
faith, family, friends, job, skills for
job, office with a window and heater, in a Union, home church, house, heat,
lights, water, bed, blankets, refrigerator, stove, TV, computer, food, car,
pets, safety, clothes, dishes, towels,
washer and dryer, hot water, view from home, knowledge of how to get help if I
lose job; peace, healthy self-esteem, confidence, courage, drive, intelligence,
motivation, leadership skills.
I
will accept, I’m not perfect. I will be thankful for what I have and try with
God’s help to do better today. I will accept a “C” in life, and not feel I have
to be “A+” to be ‘good enough’.
Self-introspection aside, I continue to find bits
and pieces of Christmas tucked away here and there; carols on the radio, getting
snowed in, a call from a friend, a well-wishing card, a plate of cookies, a bag
of coffee beans, the beauty of lighted houses and trees, delight on a grandchild’s
face as they get something fun and new, the glow of our church candlelight
service, the inner thankfulness that Jesus did come and will help me now as I
place my hand, and undone tasks in His and trust He can help me sort things
out.
This am, I will go to my Weight Watchers meeting and check on
the damage done after a week of free goodies everywhere. I will recoup, and
begin again. I will sort out the tasks I need to do and try to get them done,
as best I can. No, nothing will be done the way I wish I could get it done but
I will accept the fact I won’t have the spotless house in this lifetime and not
beat myself up about it. With God’s help
I will try to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and
have the wisdom to know the difference.
For those of you reading this, Merry Christmas. My prayers go out to each of you as you take your own journey to
Bethlehem. May the God of all comfort fill you with joy and peace in believing.
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