...Joy Comes In the Morning: Day 72

It is early morning on Saturday here, still dark, quiet, except the echoes of a lumber yard situated way across the valley. I hug the awareness to me that I have two full days to myself, away from the demands of work. I have still to decorate my home for Christmas and hopes of no rain today dance in my head along with visions of great sales and easy shopping.

Earlier this week I had a strange experience, sort of a wake up call for me. A clear sunny day beckoned and my walking buddy came with the request,"Let's go, it'll be dry enough for the wood hike." Hungry I woofed down an apple in large bites. One large piece seemed to get stuck going down to my stomach. It seemed to lodge directly beneath my heart. It hurt, a lot. We started out our walk, a fairly steep incline and the pain continued. At 62, chest pain, isn't a good thing that's for sure. I asked him to slow down, but he used to me being a hiking warrior, pressed on. The sun was shining brightly and it was unseasonably warm.

We hiked up the hills to where the woods start, and there is a loop through the trees the goes up the crest of the hill and you can see valleys stretching for miles on all sides. It truly is breath-taking. For me, the pain, now sharp continued and finally I told him I needed to go back. I called a family member to advise them that I was experiencing chest pain. My friend, worried, said he'd hike back to work, get his car, and come back and get me. I sat on a cement pier, alone in the woods, looking out over the valley, wondering exactly what I was facing.

Earlier that day, I had prayed to God about my lack of love in my life for some people. The fact I have lost my camera with tons of vacation photos has bothered me for days. Missing my camera it suddenly became apparaent to me that in some ways I cared more about that camera then I did for some of the people I know. Looking at that reality, it struck home that really, I needed a renewal of the heart of God that had a bigger love, a bigger compassion than I obviously had.

The co-incidence of the chest pain, on the day I had seriously asked God to give me a 'new heart' of love for others didn't escape me as I sat alone in the sunny woods, wondering if it was the woofed down apples, or an impending heart attack. After ten minutes or so, the pain cleared and I walked down the hills, admiring the valley views and covering the blocks, with the steps back to work and my world.

My friend, finally showed up with his car and I got in, reassuring him I was ok. He was, and is now more than a little worried about my health. I've had every kind of possible test for heart problems, and I'm ok. I truly believe it was some sort of really bad indigestion from eating too fast, and not chewing my food.

All that aside, the days following I have been more aware of the lives around me in the throes of pain of their own; health, job, family, career, stress, issues that have created their own 'heart pains.' I have a new consciousness of my attitude and actions as being a source of comfort or brushing them off. Often in my job, since I listen to people and their problems and complaints all day long, I avoid friendships with staff. It's as if I only have so much to give and the clients already have used that up. Now, with kind of an awareness of the fleeting nature of my own life, I'm trying to press beyond that preconception that I need to keep up those boundaries; to be more available emotionally to others.

For Christmas, because of financial limitations I feel much like I did when I was a child, limited in income. As a child I used to write up little coupons for free job services. Or I would make something. My parents usually gave me money to spend, but it always fell short of what I wanted to give. I was creative, or so I thought. I honestly cannot remember anyone ever redeeming those coupons, but it made me feel good to give them, wrapping them up with care.

Now, perhaps I am in that 'coupon giving' frame of mind. Maybe no one notices my attempts to listen more, pay attention more, and just be there if I'm needed. That's ok, my desire springs not so much from wanting to be appreciated as a dual wanting to reflect God's love, and wanting to not be so reserved that somebody experiences pain alone because I don't reach out.

For those of you who consistantly reach out beyond the comfort zone of your life you probably wonder at my struggle to be more to others. Let me compare it to this, say you're a professional baker, and all day long you make bread, cookies, cakes. You breathe baking, you smell baking, you see baking. When you finally get to go home, the last thing you want to do is bake something. In a professional people 'caring' job, when you spend all your time trying to help people, listen to people, re-direct people, and just be there for people, when you're not on the job, you sort of want a break from that. Relaxation, the outdoors, fun, all of these other kinds of activities balance out the drain that professionally caring creates. What happens I've observed is that since the need of clients is inexhaustible, they will use up more and more of my love energy bank if I allow them to, leaving me emotionally unavailable to others. One person described this profession like this, "It's a soul-sucking, thankless job." At it's worst, it can be that. But most of the time, it's not that bad, just challenging.

Anyway, I'm facing my day today with the awareness that having decreased my hiking after the faux chest pain experience I will have probably gained weight. Yikers! I will go to Weight Watchers anyway and weigh in. I didn't die, I feel fine, I will regroup and move onward. (note after last week's huge weight loss of 3.6, I lost another .4 pounds this week.)

And so, the dark still blankets the earth where I'm at. The sounds of a few cars begin to fill the early morning air. I read my devotionals, a few Psalms, and I like this passage from Psalms 51,

"Create in me a new heart, oh God. And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from your prescence, and do not take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me by your generous Spirit." Psalms 51: 10-12

That same afternoon of the hiking experience, I watched a DVD called, Indescribable. It was a message that in included photos and facts about the universe. There were pictures of various aspects of our universe as seen by the Hubble telescope. The speaker, included facts about how large, how incredibly complex and infinite our universe really is. All of this helped me renew my understanding that it is not really about how big my problems are, but how big my God really is. At church that same night, a missionary to Africa's children had a visual where a child was asked to hold a problem shaped like the world. It seemed too big for her to hold. The missionary removed the problem world, had a larger image of the hand of God, and when placed in that large hand the world problem, didn't seem too big.

When all is said and done, our perspective on life, others and problems will be forever changed when once we truly get an awareness of just how big God is, and how big his mercy, compassion and forgiveness is through Jesus Christ. May I keep this knowledge before my face as I move out into the holiday season.