Day 74 The desires of my heart

Day 74- The Desires of my heart

            It is 4 am here, I am up awake. Coffee is brewing, heater is turned up to ward away the morning chill. In the earlier half-waking, half-sleeping moments paperwork to be filed filled my head until the realization broke through it was Saturday and I have a reprieve from the world of work, and files and unending expectations.

            This week was a good week for me. Increasingly my prayers focus on asking God to change the desires of my heart. Myself, the wishing, longing for Disneyworld is something I personally can't change. The fact is, I love that place and have a sense of loss that I'll miss the Christmas season this year. Many of you, will have no problem in seeing that love as perhaps a shallow side of me that in view of world hunger, war, poverty etc. is only pleasure seeking.  But still, I feel so happy there. The music, the flowers, the beautiful buildings, shows and costumes all combine to create a place where I feel safe, happy and free. I love the rides, the exhibits, everything.  I can walk for twelve hours there and still have a sense of excitement to want to see more, and more.

            I had the joy of visiting Disneyworld seven times in the last eight or nine years. I know each street in all the parks.  I have my favorite restaurants, shady corners to sit and relax. But, alas, I can't go this year. I have the time off, I just don't have the money.

            But, and this is huge, I've been trying to count the blessings I do have which are many. I have a large, comfortable home. Family who I love and get to see. A church where I've attended for ten years and people 'know my name'. I am extremely healthy. I have a job I am good at.  The list goes on, and on.

            The awareness of the wishing, wanting Disneyworld has presented me with the fact that it's entirely possible that I might be displeasing God.  That my ungrateful spirit somehow is insulting. The Bible is full of stories of people who grumbled, and complained after enjoying so many blessings. The message is clear that repeatedly those attitudes of heart displeased God. I certainly am not a theologian by any means. I know on a real human plane, being unhappy, ungrateful can cause a whole attitude of life that touches everything and everyone you come in contact with.

            If you lose your joy, the essence of who you are becomes tinged with sadness and disillusionment and the message of your life becomes one of despair. I do not want to be that person. And so, I lift my heart and soul to God and tell Him honestly to change the desires of my heart, to create in me a new heart, a new mind. I continue to read my Bible, to try to allow the verses to sink in and I wait.

            In the meanwhile, I continue to walk, weather permitting. Yesterday, it was a lull in the rain and my friend and I set out on our noontime hike. He wanted to go back up in the wood trail. I told him, honestly I was a little freaked out after having chest pains last week, but he insisted and told me if I hurt we could go back. We hiked up the steep hill to the woods and I didn't feel any twinges of pain what-so-ever. Finally the woods trail appeared and we shuffled through piles of leaves, up, up and around the loop that  covers the crest of the hill. In the valleys we can see, different fields and vista's were tinged with the yellow  kiss of the sun. The woods floor, waking briefly before it's winter nap, was covered with new green growth of grass and tiny plants, making their last hurrah before winter.

            We hiked for about an hour before returning to our building and our afternoon's work. It is a wonderful privilege to be strong enough to be able to enjoy the hills and woods. I am trying to store up the sights, smells, and views for the days when I am unable to visit those hills.

            At work, my group room is being painted with wall murals. It is funny how much joy that is bringing me. To see the dull, lifeless wallpaper leave. To watch as clean white paint goes up to cover and hide the blemishes of years old wear and tear. Then to share in watching the creative processes as my guys choose and decide what they want to put on the walls. I've had eons of opportunity to walk as getting cleaning supplies and paint has become part of my daily routine. We've had fun finding pictures, transferring them to overhead projector sheets, and then watching as the pictures appear magically on the walls.

            Right now one wall is becoming a castle with Robin Hood. My group name, Robin's Hoods, is a play on words groups past picked for our name. They are self-admitted "Hoods" (albeit in the process of reformation). I am Robin. Another wall, has a huge majestic eagle, overlooking a native Tee-pee village. Our treatment center has many different cultures represented and I believe it's important for everyone to feel at home.  I do not know what else they will come up with, but the transformation of color, design and beauty is a wonderful thing to see. It has been one of the better experiences of work.

            The delightful smell of coffee is coming down the hall and I want to go grab a cup. Ah, the first cup of coffee in the morning. The desire of my heart is to love more, to learn to be content with what I have. To allow God to fine-tune my life so I am more of a comfort, than one who contends. One who cares more than one who criticizes. One who commends, not someone who complains.

            So, the day stretches before me. I have my routine, (which I like), read my devotionals and Bible, go to my Weight Watchers meeting; do the weekly grocery shopping. And then......   It is the and then moments that fill me with a sense of excitement. I am so lucky! I can choose to do a whole bunch of different things with my time. I will have over six hours of daylight where I could go to the zoo, the ocean, the river, the mountains, movies. I love Saturdays.

            Christmas is ten days away but this year shopping won't consume me, it can't, the money is just not there. But, I still have enough to drive somewhere and enjoy the beauty of winter before the ice and snow set in. In that sense I am wealthy.

            I'm going to grab more coffee and spend some time in my Bible. I'm hoping to find some verses that capture what I'm trying to say here. I'll share what I find. Back in a few.

            Well, I've read dozens of verses in Isaiah and Proverbs. I believe I like this verse the best this morning, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3: 5-6

            I think that it sums up what I'm trying to say. In my own mind, the things I want Disneyworld, shopping, helping others are in my own 'understanding'. God can infuse, inspire and instruct my mind with His will as I continue to follow Him. I am continuing to become a new creature through virtue of my acceptance of Jesus Christ into my heart and life. I am being transformed by the renewing of my mind.  For me, it's kind of a slow process, but the good news is, I am rediscovering my joy in little things. Coffee, group room murals, hikes, crunchy green apples, so many blessings I have that are beginning to fill my life with a sense of gratefulness that is changing my outlook, and my sense of expectancy.

            Well, my day has begun and I wonder if I will have lost more weight? Soon I will be on the Weight Watchers scale. I hope so since I've eaten a bushels full of vegetables and fruit this week, that's for sure.

(Note: watched the news and the horror and shock of the senseless death of a classroom of children fills the news. Horrible beyond belief, my prayers go out to the families of these young children. I do not have answers, I do not understand I can only pray for God to comfort these families in the midst of unbelievable sorrow.)

            May each of you, faced with life’s challenges find joy and hope in believing. May the God of all comfort fill you with peace.