Day 28 Loving and learning to let go - a mom's journey

When my children were young, our schedules were defined by their sports seasons. Summer, spring, winter fall their interests defined my life. I have always felt so lucky to have children. To me the fact that you get pregnant, carry the baby while it grows is so wonderful. My first child I went through the pregnancy without a father there but I so enjoyed the whole process. I can remember my dear mother driving from Auburn once a week to visit me in Tacoma. We'd go shopping, go out to lunch just have a fun time week after week. One beautiful late fall morning, she came to visit. Having got more and more pregnant she got anxious for the baby to be born. I can remember her visiting and taking me shopping and insisting we walk, walk, walk.
Later that day the labor started and off I went to the hospital. In those days Tacoma General apparently was short staffed. The one on-call doctor would be a while getting there so they gave me something to slow the labor down. My parents drove from Auburn and through the night we waited until finally the small, red crying baby girl was born.

I will forever remember those first moments of getting to hold that small, live bundle of joy.

The next day or so in the hospital I learned how to bathe and feed this small wonder. The morning of my discharge it seemed absolutely incredible to me that they let you take the baby home. I realize that's dumb, but for me it just seemed impossible something as absolutely incredible as getting to keep a baby could happen to me.

Later on in my life, I would be blessed three more times. Each time the wonder of it astounded me. How lucky I have been to be a mother. I have always told my children that no matter what, having them is one thing I will never, ever regret, I feel truly blessed. With the motherhood came the responsibility to see my children didn't miss the opportunity to do as many things as they could. As they grew, I became a Little League mom, a swim team mom, a basketball mom. It seemed as if the practices, games were never-ending. One sesaon, I had three different children in three different Little League teams. A single parent, my life consisted of taking kids to school or daycare, working, rushing back to take kids to practice, pick kids up from practice and fix dinner, check homework and do chores. It was a busy, busy time in my life. The memories are there to treasure as I grow older and my times of being the delivery mom wind down.

I tell my clients at the treatment center where I work, "There are many things in my life that I may regret, but giving my children time has never, and will be never one of them." As the children age, leave home, struggle, succeed and have their own lives they don't always remember all the times of here and there and everywhere they needed to go. That's ok, because now in the late season of my own life is when I remember my own mother taking me to piano practice, picking my up from Girl's Club, or tennis practice, or an afterschool game. It is that heritage of wanting our children to have the chance to experience life and all it has to offer. As adults, we know that in every life the dark times will come; that is the story of life. You are either coming out of a crisis, in the middle of a crisis or about to go into one. A difficult thing for many people in recovery is accepting the fact that even when they are doing all the right things, bad times, suffering will come, it is part of the human condition.

As a mother, I was doubly-blessed. I got to experience Little League, games, football, basketball, soccer, twice. I raised two sets of children, seven total. I did hundred of parent conferences, school welcome nights, school projects. My life in that regard has been very rich. Now before someone decides to get me a plaque for mother of the year, let me be brutully honest. Being a troubled teen, 60's hippy wasn't the best preparation for being a parent. I had more character defects and personality disorders than some psychology textbooks. I lacked wisdom, emotionally stability and insight. There are many things I have done or said that I wish I hadn't. Coming to grips with the reality of my lacks was a journey of learning to forgive; a journey that had to start with me. learning to forgive myself.

The only way I was able to forgive myself was through seeking God. By myself the pain, shame and regret for my mistakes would have overwhelmed me. Without believing that I was forgiven through Jesus, it would have been impossible for me to continue on in life with my huge list of would of, could of, should of, and another big list of shouldn't have. How thankful I am that by that grace of God I'm not who I was, and that by that same grace I won't be the person tomorrow I am today. I like these definitions; mercy is not getting what you deserve, grace is getting what you don't deserve. I got grace and mercy and I work on being honest with my family about my past. Owning your own stuff helps heal wounds of the heart.

Sometimes, as kids struggle with the challenges of finding their own place in the world, it's discouraging to see how little I am a part of their world now. That too is the natural order of things. You will never see a mother bird pulling the wings of a fledgling baby ready to fly away  out of the nest. If anything they are pushing that baby bird out of the nest, forcing them to fly.


For me, releasing my children and grandchildren to their heavenly Father's care is a daily ritual of sorts. On my way to work on the long commute I lift each child, grandchild up to God asking for their protection, that they would be surrounded by His Holy Spirit, and that for those on paths that might just be too dangerous; that God will guide them back into a knowledge of His love, His purpose, anHis comfort. My mother used to say, "No one realizes my ministry of prayer. I lift my family up to God daily. I have a silent ministry." Learning to be a silent partner in my families lives has been a growing experience. For me, learning and accepting that fact I must step back and let my children grow up has been challenging. I have been so used to being there. Trying to help them, fight for them, encourage them, lecture them. Learning the value of surrounding them with prayer will continue to be the next stage in this journey of motherhood. Realizing our faithful Creator loves them more than I ever could, or can allows me to have faith that I can claim the promises in the Bible and that as I pray for these children He will guide them safely home.

Today, may the God of all comfort cheer your heart and your soul. May you release your children, grandchildren and loved ones into the care of the heavenly Father who loves them and you with His everlasting love. And if you have not found your own way into God's family remember, He is always there waiting to show you the way home.

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