Day 30 Beauty for ashes...learning to live with less

The wall of windows revealed the river running wide and deep. The azure blue of sky reflected in the ripples and eddys of water as strong currents drew it out to sea. It was a beautiful day, a treasured emerald gem of days kept in the memory to take and view in the quieter, grayer times. I was in my new job, a couselor at the coast in a private treatment center.

I had left another job to take this position because I was offered a lot more money and the opportunity to help start a new program for women. It seemed like a wise move. At first everything seemed wonderful, gourmet food, low patient to staff ratio, field trips, yoga classes, art. On the surface it seemed like I had found an enriched program where I could test my counseling skills in a leadership role. What I learned is something I already knew, things are seldom what they seem.

Several weeks into the job on a warm spring Monday morning I went to speak with my upervisor about one of my client's medications. I knocked on the door, went in and she was crying. She had been fired. I comforted her the best I could as she continued to cry from frustration and anger. Brokenly she tried to tell me about things she had discovered about the agency, mismanagment, unethical conduct. She tried so hard to make me understand, sniffling, crying, angry.   Finally she packed up a few things and left the building. Another co-worked and I met to talk over what had happened. Neither of us really knew what to do. We honestly didn't know what was going on. I began looking for other work and tried to give the clients the best care I could. As issues arose I continued to report them to the manager. It was a wierd time in my life. Working full time, but not have any sense of security. I tried very hard to find ways to create a better life, for myself and the ones I loved. I looked for the good and tried to understand the bad.

One good thing about this job, other than the clients, was the excellent pay. I decided to work with what I had and buy myself something I had wanted for a long time, a new truck. Now with a good salary, A+ credit and wonderful new truck deals advertised daily I decided to shop from my new truck the next weekend Early Saturday morning I called car dealerships asking about their ads. Finally I found a dealership that had two great trucks on a special ad sale. I drove down, spent the better part of the day until I signed on my new truck. The old truck we named, Old Moe. This new Ford F 150 I named, New Moe. I got family to come drive my car home and I drove my truck. Nothing like that new car smell to make you feel good. The truck big, dark silver gray, with automatic transmission, air conditioning, cruise control and soft, comfortable seats was perfect.

All the next week I enjoyed coming home after work and looking at my shiny new truck sitting in the driveway. There it sat, waiting new adventures. I could hardly wait. I drove the truck to work to show it off to my co-workers, "Look," I said with pride, "Here's my new truck." That Friday morning I was called into the staff room, inside my new supervisor sat. "I'm sorry, " she said. "We're not going to be able to go ahead and use you for the project." Hmm... I thought. Part of me was relieved, no more worry about unprofessional client care, the other part of me thought, "Oh no! What am I going to do for money?"

They gave me 4 weeks salary and we hugged goodbye. My first stop was Employment Security where I forced myself to do all the paperwork for unemployment. There wouldn't be a better time. Then I drove home at the wheel of New Moe, still a beautiful truck, but some how not quite as shiny. I drove to the bank to take out some cash for the weekend. The teller looked at me puzzeled. "I'm sorry," she said, "There's no money in your account." What? Impossible, I had plenty of money in there, I know I did. I asked her to check again and then she came back with the news, "I'm sorry, your husband took the money out this morning."

My heart dropped, I'm sure there was a mistake. My husband and I had been separated for over six years and every two weeks, faithfully he had put money in our account for me to use to live in. I stepped outside and called my husband explaining that there had been a mistake at the bank. Gruffly he answered, "There's been no mistake. I talked to a lawyer, I don't have to give you any money." And then he hung up.

I stood out in the parking lot of the bank and looked to the sky, the afternoon sun setting low in the west. "God," I cried. "Help me!" I drove home my chest aching from the strain, first the job, now this? How was I going to pay my bills. I parked the truck, moved my van out of the driveway and parked it across the street. I pulled the truck into the driveway and went in to tell the family what had happened. There's a verse in Proverbs that says, The heart knows it's own bitterness and no stranger shares it's joy. Well that verse described that situation for me. My family really didn't understand my pain. Understandably, I'd always been there, and I'd always provided. Real lack they had never, really known.

I needed to go, to get out of the house, to go for a drive. I needed to think, pray and calm down. I got in the truck, pulled out of the driveway and heard a sickening thud. I had ran into my own car, with my own truck, on the day I lost my job, and my husband took my support money. I didn't cry very much that day, I was in too much shock.

It's been a transition for me, going from having plenty of money, and excellent credit to having barely enough to get by and horrible credit. In the 13 months since that day I had to go through my life and look for ways to downsize. To learn to let go of things and belongings and extras until we are pared down to a barebones existance, with one exception. I've still been hanging on to New Moe the truck, praying and hoping that God will bring into my life a year of Jubliee like those mentioned in the Old Testament. In those days, the people were allowed a year every seven years where all debts were released. Where property if lost, was restored.

It's a concept wonderful to think about that you would be able to have a financial beginning again. So now, I pray, I hope and I plan. Somethings will have to be done, perhaps bankruptcy, maybe walking away from a home mortgage, I don't know. I do know that as I trust God He will help me cope with this part of my journey. I am still truly blessed, compared to millions in the world, I am still truly rich. I will pray for a miracle, I will hope for a Jubilee. I will take what comes claiming the promises of the Bible that no matter what God will be with me to strengthen me and guide me. Perhaps, this year, this time will be my year of Jubilee.

Today if you are struggling financially dare to believe that God will help you go through this pain. Believe that God will help you learn to live with less, and accept a lower standard of living. It may be difficult, but after the pain he will give you beauty for ashes, oil of joy for mourning. Take care and be blessed.Isaiah 61:1-3a

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion– to bestow on them the crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.




Note: about five months from the day I was laid off from that job, the front page of the local newspaper carried the headlines that the two managers of the agency were under investigation for unethical conduct and financial misdealings.They were asked to leave the agency and moved to another state.  I guess it's a good thing I didn't stay there.